X-mas I

No, I did not do good.

x-mas eve was utterly boring, and I had a fight with the BF right before we went to his parents´ house, which made it worse. There was lots of food, but i did not have much, because I had a severe migrane and could not swallow rightly... But I felt so weird. Why do I not like things other persons are looking for? I hate sitting in a circle staring at the stupid tree, singing old songs and making the children wait for the time to open their presents. I don´t like people reading out loud x-mas stories and poems. Maybe I am disordered in many ways, but i don´t like that. It annoys me and bores me and makes me feel lonely inside. I wanted to hide the presents for the BF and had an idea of the two of us exchanging presents later that night, all alone, no family, no kids, no one to ask: how can you spend so much money on a x-mas gift? Why do you do this? And so on.... I just wanted to have some time with him alone, but he did not.
So we were opening our presents with the rest of the family, and everybody asked me: What´s that thing doing you bought for him? Why did you spend so much money? Why do you get a children´s game? What do you do with that?
It was bad....

Later on, home alone, we had some fun, but the feeling of being lonely persisted the whole night. In the morning, I saw some numbers on THE SCALE I have not seen in a few weeks, and it made me totally mad, although I knew it before I stepped on it....

Today, we drove to my parents place....that´s awfully stressing for me. There is something between my parents and me that cannot be fixed. I simply waited for the time to pass by.....
When we came home, the BF made pizza, and I could not control myself. Now, the pain is back, and my body feels like shit.... It´s my own fault, just because I cannot have the x-mas I would like to have does not mean I can eat like a pig and feel better.

Tomorrow the family of my BF will come over to our place to get some coffee and cake, and I will spend the morning cleaning up the house. Nice x-mas. On sunday, there will be another 24h shift. And I am so afraid to step on THE SCALE tomorrow, and I already know it will be super-bad.

I am wondering:
Am I a dissocial person?
Is it bad to wish for a x-mas totally alone, with books and tea and some sports now and then?
Does it make me a bad person not to like family meetings? Does this make me disordered, or do I not like those meetings because I am kinda disordered?
Why can I not be like a normal person?
Why do I need so much time on my own?
Why do people pressure me in wanting something else?
Why do I not have the right to like other things?

Why is there no place in the world that I can truely belong?
Why do I feel like myself when there is no one around?

Right now, I got the feeling that I am betraying myself. I am playing a game I never wanted to play, and I get blamed for not playing it good enough. I am alone with my wishes and my needs. I am strange and a stranger.

To sum it up:
I am unhappy and lonely, I ate like a pig, I am gaining big-time, and I spent all my time doing things I did not want to do while I get yelled at for not having a super-good mood.
Period.

Merry x-mas.