Today a collegue brought breakfast for the whole department....
I had to eat some of it....it was staring at me.... and there were the numbers on THE SCALE:
122,4
:-)
Well, I simply had breakfast, and it was good.
My calculation program gave it approx. 400cals, and I simply could not bring myself to eat dinner with the BF. I just had the vegetables (corn and kohlrabi) for about 50 cals....with the morning latte and some more coffee I am ending up like 600 cals for today, and I can relax again. But I have to admit: Dinner is half an hour ago and I am actually hungry again.... my stomach is aching....but I returned to my desk to read and learn, no more food for me today. I just want to see the 122 tomorrow again, one lb away from my first goal weight...
But the non-dinner-attitude brought up some questions:
What are you planning to do?
How low do you want to go?
When does this stop?
What is up with you?
I simply did not give an answer, I told him that he liked me being thinner anyway, and he could not deny it. His own fault, he told me once.... But I think this is not over yet. He also said to me once:
I don´t want to be with a woman who becomes eating disordered.
I smiled inside and thought: Well, you already are for about 2 years, but I kept my mouth shut.
I feel kinda light right now, and I love it....My super-tight trousers are becoming lose at the waist and between my thighs (YES!!!), I am tired, but this is due to the fact that I cannot fall asleep right now and repeat things for the exam in my head over and over again.. I am nervous...
I want to reach my goal weight next tuesday... I have to...
There will be no breakfast tomorrow, and no dinner, BF will be out.... Maybe I can have some cauliflower without a sauce.... under 600 definetively.... Saturday a 24h shift again, with non-food-ordering collegues.... There´s a slim chance I will succeed....
I am restricition, restriction is......
And I hope the guy will love me no matter what.... but I am too stressed right now to wonder about this....
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I know what you mean about not being able to eat a dinner if you eat lunch. I am NOT a lunch eater but if co workers or other things force it then dinner is out of the question. Those are tough questions fromt he BF. I have been asked them all before and ultimately it did not turn out well. The only thing I can say is do your best to keep a pretense of normality. Talk about how good certain foods are etc. You "love food." Get in a decent meal with him every now and then and eat what he eats but just way less so there is not separate dinner for you because of your "restrictions." Try not to let food and weight be too much a "thing." Start pretending you don't really care. If you get too skinny and people get worried then I guess you will have to deal with that as it comes.
AntwortenLöschenI can so relate to your blog!
AntwortenLöschenI too am not a teen, and I still carry this eating disorder with me.. I am married to my BF now, and he has known and dealt with my issues.. You questions are interesting, as I was confronted with those exact ones when my hubby began noticing I was restricting again... When does this stop? What is up with you? Yeh.. that's what's been running around my house like a huge elephant in the room... it's uncomfortable and Sometimes I grow tired of feeling pathetic!
Best wishes to you!