I know that I haven´t been around a few days, but the truth is:
Nothing has changed, especially the weight, in fact I am getting havier again, 135.4 this morning.
At first, I was shocked and despondent and hurt myself very badly (still some blue marks all over the belly, but who cares?), but after some time I realized:
I AM FOOLING MYSELF BIGTIME!!!
I have low cal meals, I am drinking my coffee with skimmed milk, I am having one meal per day, everything seems super, having the right pace and direction, but there are these secret things I didn´t even notice:
A piece of cheese here
a piece of chocolate there
(you don´t have to count that, it is tiny, forget about it..)
some nuts from the kitchen
(they will be bad in a few days...)
some sweets (so tiny...)
Come on!!!!! Like I would be new to this!!!!
I hate myself.
I really do.
I would laugh about myself if it would not be so sad...
Anyway, today:
1 latte in the morning
3 more coffee with little milk
1 piece of cheese
I don´t have dinner plans yet, we will see what vegetables will be in the store today... maybe the last asparagus of the year? I love it, low cal and eliminating water...
This is making me so mad....
6/25/2013
6/09/2013
Trigger
This immense trigger from friday night worked fine.
133.6 this morning, not great, but OK,
and very little intake today.
No dinner.
But life does not like me right now. No one does. My friend doesn´t like me. My body doesn´t like me, and since today, my hubby doesn´t like me, too.
Told me that I am a danger to my little boy, because I am too selfish to take care of him the right way.
He drank water out of the cat dish, and I really got upset, and since I was on the phone and preparing dinner the same time, I yelled to him, sitting NEXT TO THE DAMN CATDISH, to put the little man in the bathtub. he got angry, there was something stupid on the TV, so I had to do it myself. When I came back from the bathroom, I put the baby on the floor to talk to hubby about not helping me out, and the little one got hold of a cable and some stuff fell down from a table, without hurting him. And this made my hubby think and say that I am the worst mother, I never take good care of the baby, and I should stop tell other people what to do with him, the only time in his life he is in real danger is when he is with me.
There are so many things I could add to this now, I could find so many ways to explain why I am stressed and tired and sometimes doing too many things the same time, and there are so many things hubby could do to help me out, but in the end, it does not matter. He has so many things he does not like about me, and now, the only thing I thought he could not take down, he took down today. Now, there is nothing left.
I simply suck at everything, in his eyes.
And when he yelles at me, he tells me that I am so annoying that there is no other way to talk to me.
I feel so bad right now, there has to be found a new word for that. My little boy is the only thing connected to me that is perfect. And from now on, I will always ask myself if I am a danger to him.
Thank you world for taking the last belief in myself from me.
133.6 this morning, not great, but OK,
and very little intake today.
No dinner.
But life does not like me right now. No one does. My friend doesn´t like me. My body doesn´t like me, and since today, my hubby doesn´t like me, too.
Told me that I am a danger to my little boy, because I am too selfish to take care of him the right way.
He drank water out of the cat dish, and I really got upset, and since I was on the phone and preparing dinner the same time, I yelled to him, sitting NEXT TO THE DAMN CATDISH, to put the little man in the bathtub. he got angry, there was something stupid on the TV, so I had to do it myself. When I came back from the bathroom, I put the baby on the floor to talk to hubby about not helping me out, and the little one got hold of a cable and some stuff fell down from a table, without hurting him. And this made my hubby think and say that I am the worst mother, I never take good care of the baby, and I should stop tell other people what to do with him, the only time in his life he is in real danger is when he is with me.
There are so many things I could add to this now, I could find so many ways to explain why I am stressed and tired and sometimes doing too many things the same time, and there are so many things hubby could do to help me out, but in the end, it does not matter. He has so many things he does not like about me, and now, the only thing I thought he could not take down, he took down today. Now, there is nothing left.
I simply suck at everything, in his eyes.
And when he yelles at me, he tells me that I am so annoying that there is no other way to talk to me.
I feel so bad right now, there has to be found a new word for that. My little boy is the only thing connected to me that is perfect. And from now on, I will always ask myself if I am a danger to him.
Thank you world for taking the last belief in myself from me.
6/08/2013
Skinny Chick
I had a nice day yesterday, up to a certain point.
THE SCALE loved me for once, I had a nice and easy 132.4, and I suddenly felt so skinny and light and whatever.
I had planned a girls night out with an old friend of mine, and I knew that we would have dinner together, and I was like: Well, whatever, right now, I am on such a good way, it will be fine.
The evening was nice, warm weather, dinner outside, hubby taking care of the baby, good food and no bad feelings while I was eating, that was completely new to me.
So nice.
And then she dropped it:
"You have changed for the better since you are a mom."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you are not so skinny anymore, you always looked like a skinny chick. You are much better now."
...
...
I smiled.
I thought: Well, I already know that I am fat, so what´s the surprise anyway.
But I woke up with this sentence in my head.
And THE SCALE showed me a 135,4.
I am sure you can imagine how I am feeling today.
The most important fact in this story is: She knows about my food issues. She is the only person in the world who knows about it. Why did she do this to me? She is one of my best friends, and she does not like me enough to be polite and not to trigger me?
What does she want from me, see me fading away and telling everybody: I know what her problem is, but I tried everything, I cannot help her???
So here I am, old and fat and a bad mother, and no one likes me enough not to hurt me.
I wish I would be a better person, more intersting, more caring, with more things to love, and with less fat hanging on my bones. Wrinkles are bad enough.
I will show her.
I will show everybody.
Her, my mother in law, my mother, my husband, my colleagues.
Right now, I hate them all.
THE SCALE loved me for once, I had a nice and easy 132.4, and I suddenly felt so skinny and light and whatever.
I had planned a girls night out with an old friend of mine, and I knew that we would have dinner together, and I was like: Well, whatever, right now, I am on such a good way, it will be fine.
The evening was nice, warm weather, dinner outside, hubby taking care of the baby, good food and no bad feelings while I was eating, that was completely new to me.
So nice.
And then she dropped it:
"You have changed for the better since you are a mom."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you are not so skinny anymore, you always looked like a skinny chick. You are much better now."
...
...
I smiled.
I thought: Well, I already know that I am fat, so what´s the surprise anyway.
But I woke up with this sentence in my head.
And THE SCALE showed me a 135,4.
I am sure you can imagine how I am feeling today.
The most important fact in this story is: She knows about my food issues. She is the only person in the world who knows about it. Why did she do this to me? She is one of my best friends, and she does not like me enough to be polite and not to trigger me?
What does she want from me, see me fading away and telling everybody: I know what her problem is, but I tried everything, I cannot help her???
So here I am, old and fat and a bad mother, and no one likes me enough not to hurt me.
I wish I would be a better person, more intersting, more caring, with more things to love, and with less fat hanging on my bones. Wrinkles are bad enough.
I will show her.
I will show everybody.
Her, my mother in law, my mother, my husband, my colleagues.
Right now, I hate them all.
6/03/2013
24-2 (Thoughts of a tired one)
Not much to tell about the second shift.
Food-wise, I did relatively good. I had no solid food at all, but the offices were full of sweets and I think I took some too much. But my belly feels Ok this morning, I will step on THE SCALE tomorrow morning and tell you.
I kinda lost my heart last night when someone told me the story of one of my clients. It was so sad and brutal and unfair, I thought about it the rest of the night and first thing in the morning:
A couple doing drugs together, having a child together, betraying the world and the trust of their littel boy together, and one night, in a drug rush and nightmare, the man left his little boy burning in the flames of a barbecue and simply went away. Later, the police found the little dead body. Now both are in a mental hospital and hopefully stay there forever.
I called home immediately to check if everything was OK there.
And ever since, I ask myself, why I cannot be more grateful for what I have instead of wining because of my ruined body. One day, I will die anyway. Why is it so important to me how I look on the outside? Why do I not feel good just because there are higher numbers on THE SCALE? I am an intelligent woman, why can´t I find another source of self-worth than the size of my clothes?
But still I cannot change.
And I get worse. In the last few weeks and months, I realized how much older I am looking now. There are wrinkles around my eyes, I know that they are related to smiling, but who gives a ..... about that? I don´t want them. And I am looking so tired, even exhausted. Well, having a little baby and working 60 to 80 hours a week plus 24h shifts does not help. And I guess there is no make-up in the world which can cover that.
And most of the time, I think:
Well, if you look this old and fainted and sick, you should at least be skinny enough. And you can never be skinny enough.
And sometimes I am so scared, because I am kinda happy right now, family-wise and life-wise, and it can only get worse, right? My food, my weight, my looks, they are things that truly and deeply depend on my ability to control myself. My ability to check numbers and movements and to fight the hunger. And what is hunger, anyway? A little pain in the belly compared to the feeling of inner strength and control? Why am I wining about that? A bad day, a high number, maybe a littel self-hatred, why do I constantly pity myself?
I guess I am just weak right now, and I have to get my strength back. And if I am strong again, I just walk on, I restrict, I lose, I fight, and in the end I can feel good again, as a mother, and as a woman, and as a person with some issues...
I will get up now, I will take my own challenge, I will keep busy and will not eat until hubby gets home from work. And I will prepare a low cal dinner for both of us, so that there is no way for him to get fast food again.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
And I will do everything as close to perfect as I can, ending up in being thin, strong and powerful again. I will be me again.
Food-wise, I did relatively good. I had no solid food at all, but the offices were full of sweets and I think I took some too much. But my belly feels Ok this morning, I will step on THE SCALE tomorrow morning and tell you.
I kinda lost my heart last night when someone told me the story of one of my clients. It was so sad and brutal and unfair, I thought about it the rest of the night and first thing in the morning:
A couple doing drugs together, having a child together, betraying the world and the trust of their littel boy together, and one night, in a drug rush and nightmare, the man left his little boy burning in the flames of a barbecue and simply went away. Later, the police found the little dead body. Now both are in a mental hospital and hopefully stay there forever.
I called home immediately to check if everything was OK there.
And ever since, I ask myself, why I cannot be more grateful for what I have instead of wining because of my ruined body. One day, I will die anyway. Why is it so important to me how I look on the outside? Why do I not feel good just because there are higher numbers on THE SCALE? I am an intelligent woman, why can´t I find another source of self-worth than the size of my clothes?
But still I cannot change.
And I get worse. In the last few weeks and months, I realized how much older I am looking now. There are wrinkles around my eyes, I know that they are related to smiling, but who gives a ..... about that? I don´t want them. And I am looking so tired, even exhausted. Well, having a little baby and working 60 to 80 hours a week plus 24h shifts does not help. And I guess there is no make-up in the world which can cover that.
And most of the time, I think:
Well, if you look this old and fainted and sick, you should at least be skinny enough. And you can never be skinny enough.
And sometimes I am so scared, because I am kinda happy right now, family-wise and life-wise, and it can only get worse, right? My food, my weight, my looks, they are things that truly and deeply depend on my ability to control myself. My ability to check numbers and movements and to fight the hunger. And what is hunger, anyway? A little pain in the belly compared to the feeling of inner strength and control? Why am I wining about that? A bad day, a high number, maybe a littel self-hatred, why do I constantly pity myself?
I guess I am just weak right now, and I have to get my strength back. And if I am strong again, I just walk on, I restrict, I lose, I fight, and in the end I can feel good again, as a mother, and as a woman, and as a person with some issues...
I will get up now, I will take my own challenge, I will keep busy and will not eat until hubby gets home from work. And I will prepare a low cal dinner for both of us, so that there is no way for him to get fast food again.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
And I will do everything as close to perfect as I can, ending up in being thin, strong and powerful again. I will be me again.
Abonnieren
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