at least in the area of the brownies. I did something wrong with the oven, and after tripple the time they usually take to get eatable, they were perfect.
The in-laws likes them, can you believe that, and his mother is the perfect cook...
No success in the area of eating, of course, although I did not have a brownie, I tasted one, that was it. But dinner.....not low cal....not low carb, unless you say fries are no carbs but plain fat...
But the BF had a very good day and he is in the perfect mood right now, that´s totally worth the next weight check.
I think I will not post it, but I will be a good girl tomorrow...
2/24/2010
Knew it before
I knew it before, I cannot be on a low weight (at least for me) and behave.
Yesterday I ate like a normal person, and this surely is not good enough. I don´t even want to be a normal person. I could have done so much better, but I did not. And I could not step on the scale today...
Right now, I am making brownies for my BFs birthday party later on. I should be happy. but it is really hard to make brownies without eating of them, and it is hard to make them the first time in your life after a 24h shift. The kitchen is a mess already and they don´t really look as if someone could actually eat them... Maybe there is something wrong with the oven, but there is nothing happening in there.... and the whole family is coming over to have coffee and.....yeah....brownies....
Shit.
My life really sucks right now, every day I am thinking about this, but I don´t know what to do about it, so I am just realizing this again and again and again...
I am even tired of making plans for the day to come, whatever, I don´t stick to them anyway, and I am getting fatter again. I remember the feeling of being skinny, a few days ago, it was heaven.
Yeah, here we go: You desperately want to have something, and you are too lazy and weak to fight for it. And in the end, you are bathing in self-pitty because you do not get what you really want.
Screw this.
And finally the damn things in the oven look like brownies...
Yesterday I ate like a normal person, and this surely is not good enough. I don´t even want to be a normal person. I could have done so much better, but I did not. And I could not step on the scale today...
Right now, I am making brownies for my BFs birthday party later on. I should be happy. but it is really hard to make brownies without eating of them, and it is hard to make them the first time in your life after a 24h shift. The kitchen is a mess already and they don´t really look as if someone could actually eat them... Maybe there is something wrong with the oven, but there is nothing happening in there.... and the whole family is coming over to have coffee and.....yeah....brownies....
Shit.
My life really sucks right now, every day I am thinking about this, but I don´t know what to do about it, so I am just realizing this again and again and again...
I am even tired of making plans for the day to come, whatever, I don´t stick to them anyway, and I am getting fatter again. I remember the feeling of being skinny, a few days ago, it was heaven.
Yeah, here we go: You desperately want to have something, and you are too lazy and weak to fight for it. And in the end, you are bathing in self-pitty because you do not get what you really want.
Screw this.
And finally the damn things in the oven look like brownies...
2/22/2010
Scared
I am actually scared.
I am doing so good right now, weight-wise.
This morning, THE SCALE said 119.2
This is fabulous, amazing, breath-taking, at least for me.
But I know:
- This is due to the bug I got.
- This will go up any minute now, because the bug is gone.
- I will never again reach this.
- My body and my mind are yearning for food, for pleasure, for joy, after feeling sick and suffering for 5 days. And this other little voice inside me keeps whispering: You had such a hard time, have some fresh bread, some cake, cookies, a decent meal. You can do it….
- I will not kick my own lazy butt enough to start working out just now.
- I will gain.
- I will gain.
- I will gain.
This is how I did:
Morning latte 100
Cookie 40
Broth and coffee 40
Zucchini 70
Sweet corn 70
Some Cheese 120
I feel bad. I know I should not, but I do.
I will gain, and right now, although I know I am not, I feel so skinny….so fragile….
I will gain….
2/21/2010
Waiting for
a good nights sleep.
Until today, every night was spoiled by some very nasty visits to the bathroom, and I am still not well.
I guess this is a mean bug I caught there...
Weight-wise, I am doing superb, of course, everything I eat is lost a few hours later, and I do not gain. But this does not make me happy, because I have no idea how my fluid and electrolyte balance is doing, meaning I will gain a lot as soon as this thing is over. Tomorrow, I have to go back to work after a week off, which gave me no pleasure since I was inhabiting couch and bathroom.
So here is the paln for the week to come:
Every morning I step on THE SCALE not being well will work as a mood lifter, but will not end up in my little weight schedule.
The first morning after a night without special interruptions will be my new starting weight, and I will try to maintain this.
As soon as possible I will start to work out again.
There will be my BFs birthday this week, and I will make some brownies for him as cake and there will be a family function, meaning this is going to be my day off.
At the weekend, we will get some visitors and there will be my birthday, and another family and friends thing. Also a day off.
Right now, my stomach has the size of a potatoe, and I will try to keep it that way.
Today, there was a muffin and some cauliflower and red pepper. Lots of tea. I guess I am in the good range, and maybe it will stay in, who knows.
Until today, every night was spoiled by some very nasty visits to the bathroom, and I am still not well.
I guess this is a mean bug I caught there...
Weight-wise, I am doing superb, of course, everything I eat is lost a few hours later, and I do not gain. But this does not make me happy, because I have no idea how my fluid and electrolyte balance is doing, meaning I will gain a lot as soon as this thing is over. Tomorrow, I have to go back to work after a week off, which gave me no pleasure since I was inhabiting couch and bathroom.
So here is the paln for the week to come:
Every morning I step on THE SCALE not being well will work as a mood lifter, but will not end up in my little weight schedule.
The first morning after a night without special interruptions will be my new starting weight, and I will try to maintain this.
As soon as possible I will start to work out again.
There will be my BFs birthday this week, and I will make some brownies for him as cake and there will be a family function, meaning this is going to be my day off.
At the weekend, we will get some visitors and there will be my birthday, and another family and friends thing. Also a day off.
Right now, my stomach has the size of a potatoe, and I will try to keep it that way.
Today, there was a muffin and some cauliflower and red pepper. Lots of tea. I guess I am in the good range, and maybe it will stay in, who knows.
2/19/2010
Sick again
Since wednesday, I am totally sick.
Started with a fever, ended up with a gastrointestinal thing....
I feel like an old woman, I can´t even get up all the stairs in our house without breathing heavily and thinking about a rest half-way...
The good thing is, I am way below my first goal weight. And I have no intention to eat. I simply cannot eat.
The days before the sickness went well, acutally. I could manage to stay around my first goal weight for like 5 days, which is awesome, and I managed to eat tiny little portions when I had to eat. Remember, this is very hard for me. Now, it is just amazing. I know that most of the weight loss I got right now is water and general body contents, but it is great. I am losing my workout clothes, all the bones stick out and I am staring at my hands all of the time because you can see the muscles move at the back of the hand between the tendons...
And I am sick most of the time, meaning I got nor appetite and the second I start eating I feel like throwing up and have to stop.
Yes, I am hoping to get better, it´s stressful and painful and I would like to get up one day without seeing tiny stars and have to get back to bed. Yes, I want to get better.
But all I can think about is:
How can I manage to keep my stomach in the size he has right now?
How can I keep the appetite low?
How can I keep my weight?
How can I reduce my weight and not getting severely ill?
Yes, sometimes I try to be realistic:
Not walking up 2 set of stairs in one do and breathing heavily at the end at my age is not good.
Not being able to drink something is not good.
Not getting hungry at all is not a sign of health.
But another part of me wants this to stay like this forever...
Started with a fever, ended up with a gastrointestinal thing....
I feel like an old woman, I can´t even get up all the stairs in our house without breathing heavily and thinking about a rest half-way...
The good thing is, I am way below my first goal weight. And I have no intention to eat. I simply cannot eat.
The days before the sickness went well, acutally. I could manage to stay around my first goal weight for like 5 days, which is awesome, and I managed to eat tiny little portions when I had to eat. Remember, this is very hard for me. Now, it is just amazing. I know that most of the weight loss I got right now is water and general body contents, but it is great. I am losing my workout clothes, all the bones stick out and I am staring at my hands all of the time because you can see the muscles move at the back of the hand between the tendons...
And I am sick most of the time, meaning I got nor appetite and the second I start eating I feel like throwing up and have to stop.
Yes, I am hoping to get better, it´s stressful and painful and I would like to get up one day without seeing tiny stars and have to get back to bed. Yes, I want to get better.
But all I can think about is:
How can I manage to keep my stomach in the size he has right now?
How can I keep the appetite low?
How can I keep my weight?
How can I reduce my weight and not getting severely ill?
Yes, sometimes I try to be realistic:
Not walking up 2 set of stairs in one do and breathing heavily at the end at my age is not good.
Not being able to drink something is not good.
Not getting hungry at all is not a sign of health.
But another part of me wants this to stay like this forever...
2/11/2010
Pig
Ate like a pig today.
I don´t even know why...
Stepping on THE SCALE will be interesting in the morning...
I wish I had not done this,but it is too late.
Like always, remorse after it, but no strength to prevent it.
I feel like never getting lower than I am right now. This is sad...
I don´t even know why...
Stepping on THE SCALE will be interesting in the morning...
I wish I had not done this,but it is too late.
Like always, remorse after it, but no strength to prevent it.
I feel like never getting lower than I am right now. This is sad...
2/10/2010
Parallel universe
Still sitting at work, at 10pm, still no sight of sleep or even lying down... And I am restless, wandering around the building, avoiding people, thinking too much...
Last night, it came to me:
We are reducing everything: Food, weight, cal intake, social life, point of view, and in the end, we are reducing ourselves. Our self esteem.
Look at this:
We got doctors and office leaders, people working in education, in art, mothers, housewives, writers and painters.
And all we talk and think about is food, cals, weight, reduction, reduction, reduction.
In a parallel universe, we would be heroins.
Imagine we could give all the food we don´t eat to people in need. Imagine we could start a project for the third world. It would be perfect:
We had doctors to take care of others, artists and writers to make commercials and campaigns, office workers to arrange transports and money issues. And we could say: Yes, we are thin and beautiful, and that´s why we can give it all to those in need.
I could give about 1000 cals a day to a hungry person. I could give 30000 cals a month.
And we would appear on the news and in talkshows, and we would not have to hide in our kitchens and bathrooms, we would not have to roam the grocery stores in late hours, because we would have a commitment.
And we could be proud of ourselves.
There would be no reduction in self esteem.
In a parallel universe...
You see, working 24h makes me sad and lonely and thinking too much.
By the way, I did good today. I had lots of coffee and water and soup, no solid food, around 400 cals today.
Next week will be off from work, having time to hang lose and spend some time with the BF. I am really looking forward to this, but food-wise, it will be bad, I know it. He always makes me eat...There will be a dinner at the place we want to have the wedding at, as a test, there are lots of invitations to parties and brunches and so on....It will be fun, but it will not be fun at the same time.
See? We are reducing ourselves....
Last night, it came to me:
We are reducing everything: Food, weight, cal intake, social life, point of view, and in the end, we are reducing ourselves. Our self esteem.
Look at this:
We got doctors and office leaders, people working in education, in art, mothers, housewives, writers and painters.
And all we talk and think about is food, cals, weight, reduction, reduction, reduction.
In a parallel universe, we would be heroins.
Imagine we could give all the food we don´t eat to people in need. Imagine we could start a project for the third world. It would be perfect:
We had doctors to take care of others, artists and writers to make commercials and campaigns, office workers to arrange transports and money issues. And we could say: Yes, we are thin and beautiful, and that´s why we can give it all to those in need.
I could give about 1000 cals a day to a hungry person. I could give 30000 cals a month.
And we would appear on the news and in talkshows, and we would not have to hide in our kitchens and bathrooms, we would not have to roam the grocery stores in late hours, because we would have a commitment.
And we could be proud of ourselves.
There would be no reduction in self esteem.
In a parallel universe...
You see, working 24h makes me sad and lonely and thinking too much.
By the way, I did good today. I had lots of coffee and water and soup, no solid food, around 400 cals today.
Next week will be off from work, having time to hang lose and spend some time with the BF. I am really looking forward to this, but food-wise, it will be bad, I know it. He always makes me eat...There will be a dinner at the place we want to have the wedding at, as a test, there are lots of invitations to parties and brunches and so on....It will be fun, but it will not be fun at the same time.
See? We are reducing ourselves....
2/09/2010
Finally
I got to my first goal weight.
But if felt exactly how I was suspecting it.
I felt nothing.
Nope.
No can do.
I was looking at the numbers, stepped of and got dressed.
And that was it.
No happiness, no joy, no fun-run, nothing.
Very strange.
Maybe this is due to the fact that I felt like dying yesterday, there was a numb feeling in my chest, and I felt sick. I thought about getting a decent meal and forget everything I ever knew about thinness, beauty and perfection.
But I could not.
And now I am at my first goal weight.
Very, very strange.
But now, a few hours later, I feel in control, powerfull and even a little beautiful. Maybe this just takes some time to sink in, who knows...
More later....
Hope you are all doing fine.
But if felt exactly how I was suspecting it.
I felt nothing.
Nope.
No can do.
I was looking at the numbers, stepped of and got dressed.
And that was it.
No happiness, no joy, no fun-run, nothing.
Very strange.
Maybe this is due to the fact that I felt like dying yesterday, there was a numb feeling in my chest, and I felt sick. I thought about getting a decent meal and forget everything I ever knew about thinness, beauty and perfection.
But I could not.
And now I am at my first goal weight.
Very, very strange.
But now, a few hours later, I feel in control, powerfull and even a little beautiful. Maybe this just takes some time to sink in, who knows...
More later....
Hope you are all doing fine.
2/07/2010
Still tired
I am still tired, but not physically but mentally.
There are so many things I would like to change right now, and obviously I don´t find the time or strenght or wisdom or solution.
I am still thinking about this awful working day on saturday, my over the edge bad mood and my bad behaviour. Maybe it is understandable that you get a bad mood if the pressure is just too high.But this does not fit into the things I demand from myself. Today, I have been totally nice and friendly, the sun in shining and everybody around me is in a bad mood and I am not. Maybe there is one day a month a person can be awful, but I don´t wish for that.
THE SCALE showed me some bad numbers this morning, and I know, that yesterday was BF-day, he chose dinner and breakfast and cake. And regarding the fact of the real binge day yesterday, the numbers were not that high, but I would wish for some progress. I am working really hard the last few days, and I am doing relatively good, and there are no results at all. Like in the field of personal change and success, no results.
This really makes me tired, it takes away my drive and my motivation.
But I will not give in.
If there is one thing I can do all the time, it is carrying on. I never give up, and I never will.
There are so many things I would like to change right now, and obviously I don´t find the time or strenght or wisdom or solution.
I am still thinking about this awful working day on saturday, my over the edge bad mood and my bad behaviour. Maybe it is understandable that you get a bad mood if the pressure is just too high.But this does not fit into the things I demand from myself. Today, I have been totally nice and friendly, the sun in shining and everybody around me is in a bad mood and I am not. Maybe there is one day a month a person can be awful, but I don´t wish for that.
THE SCALE showed me some bad numbers this morning, and I know, that yesterday was BF-day, he chose dinner and breakfast and cake. And regarding the fact of the real binge day yesterday, the numbers were not that high, but I would wish for some progress. I am working really hard the last few days, and I am doing relatively good, and there are no results at all. Like in the field of personal change and success, no results.
This really makes me tired, it takes away my drive and my motivation.
But I will not give in.
If there is one thing I can do all the time, it is carrying on. I never give up, and I never will.
Tired
The last 24h shift was really, really loaded with work... bad...
And in the middle of the day, I lost it.
I am working on myself very hard, because if things get really tough, I am getting unfriendly, harsh, sometimes even rude. And in these situations, I cannot get a hold of myself, I cannot keep control.
I never wanted to be a rude person.
I always wanted other persons to regard me as friendly, as nice, as empathic...but I am not, I am a bitch if getting stressed out.
Someone called me a "tough cookie" yesterday...
This really makes me sad. It makes me hate myself even more. I have to work on that. I want to be a different person, but you cannot make other people think that you are nice if you simply are not nice. They do not miss you if you yell and swear and close your heart to the outside world just to prevent yourself from getting hurt. and in the end, it hurts even more.
Food wise, I did OK. Some fruit, a piece of bread in the morning, and soup. 820 cals during the day, with working continuous under pressure. I guess this is really good, I did not give in.
In the evening, there was this voice inside me, telling me:
You are stressed out, get pizza, do somethig for yourself, for your soul..
I did not give in.
Tomorrow, THE SCALE will tell me.
And tomorrow, I will try to find a way to meditate my way out of being stressed and getting indignant.
I will.
This is not supposed to be me.
I am so tired today that I could fall asleep typing right now.
And in the middle of the day, I lost it.
I am working on myself very hard, because if things get really tough, I am getting unfriendly, harsh, sometimes even rude. And in these situations, I cannot get a hold of myself, I cannot keep control.
I never wanted to be a rude person.
I always wanted other persons to regard me as friendly, as nice, as empathic...but I am not, I am a bitch if getting stressed out.
Someone called me a "tough cookie" yesterday...
This really makes me sad. It makes me hate myself even more. I have to work on that. I want to be a different person, but you cannot make other people think that you are nice if you simply are not nice. They do not miss you if you yell and swear and close your heart to the outside world just to prevent yourself from getting hurt. and in the end, it hurts even more.
Food wise, I did OK. Some fruit, a piece of bread in the morning, and soup. 820 cals during the day, with working continuous under pressure. I guess this is really good, I did not give in.
In the evening, there was this voice inside me, telling me:
You are stressed out, get pizza, do somethig for yourself, for your soul..
I did not give in.
Tomorrow, THE SCALE will tell me.
And tomorrow, I will try to find a way to meditate my way out of being stressed and getting indignant.
I will.
This is not supposed to be me.
I am so tired today that I could fall asleep typing right now.
2/05/2010
Cheese
OK so far.
No food during work, low cal dinner, and some pieces of cheese.
Here we go again, the arch enemy list.
Cheese on top.
but I guess I am still Ok for today, not good, not great, not bad, just OK. I will see in the morning.
I don´t like cauliflower anymore. I don´t like corn anymore. I don´t like Kohlrabi anymore. But I am sure it´s not possible to live of red pepper and broth. I would like it, though, no cals left there, but I don´t think that I could carry on working...
Maybe I just try it...
Tomorrow another 24h shift, I hope I can be strong meaning no pizza, no bread, no cake, just soup and pomegranate I peeled a few minutes ago.
I love peeling that stuff, even more than eating it, but it is not really low cal...but healthy...
Yeah, whatever, I am not really on track right now, I wish I were.
No food during work, low cal dinner, and some pieces of cheese.
Here we go again, the arch enemy list.
Cheese on top.
but I guess I am still Ok for today, not good, not great, not bad, just OK. I will see in the morning.
I don´t like cauliflower anymore. I don´t like corn anymore. I don´t like Kohlrabi anymore. But I am sure it´s not possible to live of red pepper and broth. I would like it, though, no cals left there, but I don´t think that I could carry on working...
Maybe I just try it...
Tomorrow another 24h shift, I hope I can be strong meaning no pizza, no bread, no cake, just soup and pomegranate I peeled a few minutes ago.
I love peeling that stuff, even more than eating it, but it is not really low cal...but healthy...
Yeah, whatever, I am not really on track right now, I wish I were.
2/04/2010
Good morning
THE SCALE rewarded me for not eating yesterday, makes me want more (or less) of that.
I went to the grocery store this morning to get breakfast for some very nice ladies.
A few days ago, I accidentally left my favourite bracelets in my working clothes and gave them away for washing. They are worth like nothing, but to me they mean the world. After I realized the loss of them, it was as if a part of my childhood just died inside me. I had them for many, many years. I called the laundry service, they told me that there would be no chance for them getting found.
I had to live without them for 8 hours, but a very nice lady in the laundry service found them by chance, and sinde my name is printed on my working clothes, she could send them back to me.
Strange thing, how those tiny little silver bands can fill your heart with pleasure and childlike joy.
So I brought them breakfast today, to share some of the happiness. I am still looking at my right arm once in a while, smiling, and remembering the loss I almost had. Happiness is a fragile precious thing, at least for me.
Getting to the grocery store in the morning is a different issue. The smell in there of warm and fresh bread, cake, biscuits and so on... They had tiny pizzas there, vegetarian ones, with loads of cheese.... You know this internal struggle, when one part of your soul tells you that it would be OK to eat something in the morning, the day will be long and strenious...and the other part, reminding you of THE SCALE, the digits never getting low enough...and the smell, sticking to your clothes. You just know how good these things would taste. And you know the cals in every little thing by heart.
I did not get breakfast, but the laundry lady did.
I will not eat until the BF is making dinner.
Coffee, broth, chewing gum...
This is getting boring, but boredom does not allow extra thoughts, extra whishes and the following struggle.
Boredom is the new satisfaction.
I went to the grocery store this morning to get breakfast for some very nice ladies.
A few days ago, I accidentally left my favourite bracelets in my working clothes and gave them away for washing. They are worth like nothing, but to me they mean the world. After I realized the loss of them, it was as if a part of my childhood just died inside me. I had them for many, many years. I called the laundry service, they told me that there would be no chance for them getting found.
I had to live without them for 8 hours, but a very nice lady in the laundry service found them by chance, and sinde my name is printed on my working clothes, she could send them back to me.
Strange thing, how those tiny little silver bands can fill your heart with pleasure and childlike joy.
So I brought them breakfast today, to share some of the happiness. I am still looking at my right arm once in a while, smiling, and remembering the loss I almost had. Happiness is a fragile precious thing, at least for me.
Getting to the grocery store in the morning is a different issue. The smell in there of warm and fresh bread, cake, biscuits and so on... They had tiny pizzas there, vegetarian ones, with loads of cheese.... You know this internal struggle, when one part of your soul tells you that it would be OK to eat something in the morning, the day will be long and strenious...and the other part, reminding you of THE SCALE, the digits never getting low enough...and the smell, sticking to your clothes. You just know how good these things would taste. And you know the cals in every little thing by heart.
I did not get breakfast, but the laundry lady did.
I will not eat until the BF is making dinner.
Coffee, broth, chewing gum...
This is getting boring, but boredom does not allow extra thoughts, extra whishes and the following struggle.
Boredom is the new satisfaction.
At least...
... this day went well.
I had no food during work, a tiny piece of bread during the coffee thing with my friend, and some cheese a few minutes ago.
That´s it.
I know, I am lame, but I am proud. I will go to bed soon so no more room for eating crap and being sad about it tomorrow.
This friend of mine, A., is really sick. She has a strange bone condition, causing her to have pain during every movement she is doing, sometimes she can´t even open a bottle of water. She went to lots of doctors, they made all the tests, and all came back without result. That´s the point you would wish for a test to show a bad result, just to see some facts. And there are little knots in the palm of her hands, you can feel them, they are there, so there must be something going on, but what is it?
I feel bad for her, I wish I could help her. She is sitting at home all day long, has no job, because she could not make it through a working day. She is getting more and more desperate, next week she will drive a very long way to meet a specialist, hoping he can tell her what´s going on.
And there I am, staring at her salad, thinking about how it might taste, how much cals could be in there and if I could get the remains of it when she is finished. I wrote about this before:
I am so deranged right now, people are having real troubles and I am thinking about losing some digits all of the time. Are there any real problems in my life? What does make a problem a real one?
Yeah, I know, if I am thinking about taking a piece of cake, taking it with me to the bathroom and chewing it to spit it out just to get the taste and not really digest it, I got a problem.
But is it a real one?
Could I stop?
Could I just say: I am done with that?
No.
I dont want to.
I had no food during work, a tiny piece of bread during the coffee thing with my friend, and some cheese a few minutes ago.
That´s it.
I know, I am lame, but I am proud. I will go to bed soon so no more room for eating crap and being sad about it tomorrow.
This friend of mine, A., is really sick. She has a strange bone condition, causing her to have pain during every movement she is doing, sometimes she can´t even open a bottle of water. She went to lots of doctors, they made all the tests, and all came back without result. That´s the point you would wish for a test to show a bad result, just to see some facts. And there are little knots in the palm of her hands, you can feel them, they are there, so there must be something going on, but what is it?
I feel bad for her, I wish I could help her. She is sitting at home all day long, has no job, because she could not make it through a working day. She is getting more and more desperate, next week she will drive a very long way to meet a specialist, hoping he can tell her what´s going on.
And there I am, staring at her salad, thinking about how it might taste, how much cals could be in there and if I could get the remains of it when she is finished. I wrote about this before:
I am so deranged right now, people are having real troubles and I am thinking about losing some digits all of the time. Are there any real problems in my life? What does make a problem a real one?
Yeah, I know, if I am thinking about taking a piece of cake, taking it with me to the bathroom and chewing it to spit it out just to get the taste and not really digest it, I got a problem.
But is it a real one?
Could I stop?
Could I just say: I am done with that?
No.
I dont want to.
XX
I am sabotaging myself big-time.
I nearly reached my first goal weight two days ago, and since then I am in a manic haze of eating, drinking, making excuses and eating again.
I am not working out, I am having cake, I am having booze, I am chewing all of the time, even chocolate.
I hate myself.
And I have no idea why I am doing this to myself. What am I trying to tell myself?
I felt so good, near to that weight. I felt light and clean and almost pretty.
Today the BF will have to work extra hours, and I will meet a friend for coffee.
Here´s the plan:
No food during the day.
Coffee as much as I like.
No food during the meeting with the friend.
Maybe some vegetables tonight at home, but liquids only if possible.
More later.
2/01/2010
Working in peace
The 24h shift was really very good to handle, not much work to do, no catastrophes, and I got enough sleep, I guess.
Due to all the bad stuff I have to think about I woke up several times during the night, feeling homeless and lonely, but I managed to fall asleep fast and easy.
Today, the BF has to work longer hours than usuall leaving the house completely to ME!!!
I can do whatever I want to.
I can not eat.
I can work out.
I can read blogs and post and have coffee while doing this.
I turned the heater on full capacity (outside, snow is falling and there is a harsh wind, blowing the new snow all over the streets; it would be perfect if there would be some sun...).
I turned on some nice music from this country. I can listen to it as loud as I want. I don´t have to watch TV.
I don´t have to fight.
I don´t have to react in ways regarded as right.
When I came home, I tidied most of the place.
I did and am still doing the laundry. I emptied the trash cans.
I ran up and down the stairs, regarding this as additional workout.
I am a good girl.
Today, I feel skinny. I did not have any solid food yesterday, and not much food on saturday because of the BF fight.
Deep down inside, I am hoping that I reached my first goal weight sometime last night. But I could not weigh myself today.....
I had no food until now today, and I am not getting my morning latte when not getting up at home. I am hoping for the BF coming home late, allowing me not to eat and to work out. And since I worked around the house, there is no reason for him to get mad at me again.
He tells me, I never grew up, I am still a little girl with many stupid dreams, always disappointed if they do not come true.
Maybe this is right.
I should not get disappointed so much, and I should try to get my dreams fulfilled by myself, not waiting for him to read my mind.
Yeah, this is right. It´s very not romantic, but right.
But you know what?
I don´t want to grow up. All the people I see growing up get more sad by the day. They work, function, never laugh. The illusions of a happy and perfect life vanish between bills, long working hours and responsibility.
Do you see anything good in growing up?
Does taking responsibility for your life and the life of others mean, that the joy disappears?
If I have the choice, I don´t want to grow up.
I have this super-sincere job, with loads of responsibility for things some people can´t even imagine. I am solving problems for my clients other people would not even know they even exist.
I don´t want that in every part of my life.
I want to have fun, I want to laugh, I want to leave a mess where ever I go.
I want to be kinda crazy.
No, I don´t want to grow up.
Due to all the bad stuff I have to think about I woke up several times during the night, feeling homeless and lonely, but I managed to fall asleep fast and easy.
Today, the BF has to work longer hours than usuall leaving the house completely to ME!!!
I can do whatever I want to.
I can not eat.
I can work out.
I can read blogs and post and have coffee while doing this.
I turned the heater on full capacity (outside, snow is falling and there is a harsh wind, blowing the new snow all over the streets; it would be perfect if there would be some sun...).
I turned on some nice music from this country. I can listen to it as loud as I want. I don´t have to watch TV.
I don´t have to fight.
I don´t have to react in ways regarded as right.
When I came home, I tidied most of the place.
I did and am still doing the laundry. I emptied the trash cans.
I ran up and down the stairs, regarding this as additional workout.
I am a good girl.
Today, I feel skinny. I did not have any solid food yesterday, and not much food on saturday because of the BF fight.
Deep down inside, I am hoping that I reached my first goal weight sometime last night. But I could not weigh myself today.....
I had no food until now today, and I am not getting my morning latte when not getting up at home. I am hoping for the BF coming home late, allowing me not to eat and to work out. And since I worked around the house, there is no reason for him to get mad at me again.
He tells me, I never grew up, I am still a little girl with many stupid dreams, always disappointed if they do not come true.
Maybe this is right.
I should not get disappointed so much, and I should try to get my dreams fulfilled by myself, not waiting for him to read my mind.
Yeah, this is right. It´s very not romantic, but right.
But you know what?
I don´t want to grow up. All the people I see growing up get more sad by the day. They work, function, never laugh. The illusions of a happy and perfect life vanish between bills, long working hours and responsibility.
Do you see anything good in growing up?
Does taking responsibility for your life and the life of others mean, that the joy disappears?
If I have the choice, I don´t want to grow up.
I have this super-sincere job, with loads of responsibility for things some people can´t even imagine. I am solving problems for my clients other people would not even know they even exist.
I don´t want that in every part of my life.
I want to have fun, I want to laugh, I want to leave a mess where ever I go.
I want to be kinda crazy.
No, I don´t want to grow up.
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