Knew it before

I knew it before, I cannot be on a low weight (at least for me) and behave.

Yesterday I ate like a normal person, and this surely is not good enough. I don´t even want to be a normal person. I could have done so much better, but I did not. And I could not step on the scale today...

Right now, I am making brownies for my BFs birthday party later on. I should be happy. but it is really hard to make brownies without eating of them, and it is hard to make them the first time in your life after a 24h shift. The kitchen is a mess already and they don´t really look as if someone could actually eat them... Maybe there is something wrong with the oven, but there is nothing happening in there.... and the whole family is coming over to have coffee and.....yeah....brownies....

Shit.

My life really sucks right now, every day I am thinking about this, but I don´t know what to do about it, so I am just realizing this again and again and again...

I am even tired of making plans for the day to come, whatever, I don´t stick to them anyway, and I am getting fatter again. I remember the feeling of being skinny, a few days ago, it was heaven.

Yeah, here we go: You desperately want to have something, and you are too lazy and weak to fight for it. And in the end, you are bathing in self-pitty because you do not get what you really want.

Screw this.

And finally the damn things in the oven look like brownies...