The 24h shift was really very good to handle, not much work to do, no catastrophes, and I got enough sleep, I guess.
Due to all the bad stuff I have to think about I woke up several times during the night, feeling homeless and lonely, but I managed to fall asleep fast and easy.
Today, the BF has to work longer hours than usuall leaving the house completely to ME!!!
I can do whatever I want to.
I can not eat.
I can work out.
I can read blogs and post and have coffee while doing this.
I turned the heater on full capacity (outside, snow is falling and there is a harsh wind, blowing the new snow all over the streets; it would be perfect if there would be some sun...).
I turned on some nice music from this country. I can listen to it as loud as I want. I don´t have to watch TV.
I don´t have to fight.
I don´t have to react in ways regarded as right.
When I came home, I tidied most of the place.
I did and am still doing the laundry. I emptied the trash cans.
I ran up and down the stairs, regarding this as additional workout.
I am a good girl.
Today, I feel skinny. I did not have any solid food yesterday, and not much food on saturday because of the BF fight.
Deep down inside, I am hoping that I reached my first goal weight sometime last night. But I could not weigh myself today.....
I had no food until now today, and I am not getting my morning latte when not getting up at home. I am hoping for the BF coming home late, allowing me not to eat and to work out. And since I worked around the house, there is no reason for him to get mad at me again.
He tells me, I never grew up, I am still a little girl with many stupid dreams, always disappointed if they do not come true.
Maybe this is right.
I should not get disappointed so much, and I should try to get my dreams fulfilled by myself, not waiting for him to read my mind.
Yeah, this is right. It´s very not romantic, but right.
But you know what?
I don´t want to grow up. All the people I see growing up get more sad by the day. They work, function, never laugh. The illusions of a happy and perfect life vanish between bills, long working hours and responsibility.
Do you see anything good in growing up?
Does taking responsibility for your life and the life of others mean, that the joy disappears?
If I have the choice, I don´t want to grow up.
I have this super-sincere job, with loads of responsibility for things some people can´t even imagine. I am solving problems for my clients other people would not even know they even exist.
I don´t want that in every part of my life.
I want to have fun, I want to laugh, I want to leave a mess where ever I go.
I want to be kinda crazy.
No, I don´t want to grow up.
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I know the fight you are talking about. It fits neatly into the categories of "regular" fights I have with R. He's really, really bad at figuring out what I want. Even when I hint, he tends to misinterpret and mess it up.
AntwortenLöschenHe's more timid than your BF, I tend to be the angry one, or maybe he just hides it better. What do you do though when you want things to be little nice surprises and the very act of telling him what you want would make it less nice?
...
no answer for ya... but I definitely empathize...
xoxo Ginger
I have weighed myself.. and oddly enough.. to my utter astonishment, I lost 2.2 lbs since yesterday when I weighed myself at the same time. I too, must weigh myself daily.. This is exciting... the thought of losing 2 pounds a day.. holy hell! That's a lot :)
AntwortenLöschenThis is nice to hear about your lovely day. Getting work done around the house is always a positive! And you're a little girl if you never give up on your dreams, silly! You should never give up on them! You have a long life ahead of you and you never know what is going to happen, but if you give up on your dreams, you close so many doors and that is just sad. I am going to be 29 in a couple of months and even though I don't know how to play a guitar, I still fantasize about becoming a rockstar. I totally am going to be a rockstar, by the way ;D
And no, you don't have to grow up. Being responsible doesn't equal growing up, either. You can be a responsible kid.. actually, growing up doesn't mean giving up your dreams and no longer having fun.. growing up is just about learning how to love and laugh and live life to the fullest (which is some people's idea of never growing up, right?) I don't want to grow up 'cause if I did, I wouldn't be a Toys R Us kid. I don't know if you know that song or not heh heh :) Forever young, baby, forever young!
edit: you're NOT a little girl if you never give up on your dreams (sorry!)
AntwortenLöschenSorry you are having issues with the BF. Hopefully they will sort themselves out. Did you find a wedding location? Good job on running away from pizza. AMAZING!! Also, hope your mom is doing better. Growing up does kinda suck. There is so much happiness in childhood. Ignorance is bliss.
AntwortenLöschenI am sorry to hear about your Mom. Growing up is overrated as far as I'm concerned. Secretly I sometimes wish that my life had ended before 20. Terrible to say I know but I feel that way sometimes.
AntwortenLöschenBe strong and stay lovely.
what is fun about growing up? you should have dreams, even if they do disappoint you sometimes... who says that growing up is anything more than accepting defeat in the face of those dreams?!
AntwortenLöschenby the way, that was good advice you gave me last night so thank you. xx