I know that I haven´t been around a few days, but the truth is:
Nothing has changed, especially the weight, in fact I am getting havier again, 135.4 this morning.
At first, I was shocked and despondent and hurt myself very badly (still some blue marks all over the belly, but who cares?), but after some time I realized:
I AM FOOLING MYSELF BIGTIME!!!
I have low cal meals, I am drinking my coffee with skimmed milk, I am having one meal per day, everything seems super, having the right pace and direction, but there are these secret things I didn´t even notice:
A piece of cheese here
a piece of chocolate there
(you don´t have to count that, it is tiny, forget about it..)
some nuts from the kitchen
(they will be bad in a few days...)
some sweets (so tiny...)
Come on!!!!! Like I would be new to this!!!!
I hate myself.
I really do.
I would laugh about myself if it would not be so sad...
Anyway, today:
1 latte in the morning
3 more coffee with little milk
1 piece of cheese
I don´t have dinner plans yet, we will see what vegetables will be in the store today... maybe the last asparagus of the year? I love it, low cal and eliminating water...
This is making me so mad....
6/25/2013
6/09/2013
Trigger
This immense trigger from friday night worked fine.
133.6 this morning, not great, but OK,
and very little intake today.
No dinner.
But life does not like me right now. No one does. My friend doesn´t like me. My body doesn´t like me, and since today, my hubby doesn´t like me, too.
Told me that I am a danger to my little boy, because I am too selfish to take care of him the right way.
He drank water out of the cat dish, and I really got upset, and since I was on the phone and preparing dinner the same time, I yelled to him, sitting NEXT TO THE DAMN CATDISH, to put the little man in the bathtub. he got angry, there was something stupid on the TV, so I had to do it myself. When I came back from the bathroom, I put the baby on the floor to talk to hubby about not helping me out, and the little one got hold of a cable and some stuff fell down from a table, without hurting him. And this made my hubby think and say that I am the worst mother, I never take good care of the baby, and I should stop tell other people what to do with him, the only time in his life he is in real danger is when he is with me.
There are so many things I could add to this now, I could find so many ways to explain why I am stressed and tired and sometimes doing too many things the same time, and there are so many things hubby could do to help me out, but in the end, it does not matter. He has so many things he does not like about me, and now, the only thing I thought he could not take down, he took down today. Now, there is nothing left.
I simply suck at everything, in his eyes.
And when he yelles at me, he tells me that I am so annoying that there is no other way to talk to me.
I feel so bad right now, there has to be found a new word for that. My little boy is the only thing connected to me that is perfect. And from now on, I will always ask myself if I am a danger to him.
Thank you world for taking the last belief in myself from me.
133.6 this morning, not great, but OK,
and very little intake today.
No dinner.
But life does not like me right now. No one does. My friend doesn´t like me. My body doesn´t like me, and since today, my hubby doesn´t like me, too.
Told me that I am a danger to my little boy, because I am too selfish to take care of him the right way.
He drank water out of the cat dish, and I really got upset, and since I was on the phone and preparing dinner the same time, I yelled to him, sitting NEXT TO THE DAMN CATDISH, to put the little man in the bathtub. he got angry, there was something stupid on the TV, so I had to do it myself. When I came back from the bathroom, I put the baby on the floor to talk to hubby about not helping me out, and the little one got hold of a cable and some stuff fell down from a table, without hurting him. And this made my hubby think and say that I am the worst mother, I never take good care of the baby, and I should stop tell other people what to do with him, the only time in his life he is in real danger is when he is with me.
There are so many things I could add to this now, I could find so many ways to explain why I am stressed and tired and sometimes doing too many things the same time, and there are so many things hubby could do to help me out, but in the end, it does not matter. He has so many things he does not like about me, and now, the only thing I thought he could not take down, he took down today. Now, there is nothing left.
I simply suck at everything, in his eyes.
And when he yelles at me, he tells me that I am so annoying that there is no other way to talk to me.
I feel so bad right now, there has to be found a new word for that. My little boy is the only thing connected to me that is perfect. And from now on, I will always ask myself if I am a danger to him.
Thank you world for taking the last belief in myself from me.
6/08/2013
Skinny Chick
I had a nice day yesterday, up to a certain point.
THE SCALE loved me for once, I had a nice and easy 132.4, and I suddenly felt so skinny and light and whatever.
I had planned a girls night out with an old friend of mine, and I knew that we would have dinner together, and I was like: Well, whatever, right now, I am on such a good way, it will be fine.
The evening was nice, warm weather, dinner outside, hubby taking care of the baby, good food and no bad feelings while I was eating, that was completely new to me.
So nice.
And then she dropped it:
"You have changed for the better since you are a mom."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you are not so skinny anymore, you always looked like a skinny chick. You are much better now."
...
...
I smiled.
I thought: Well, I already know that I am fat, so what´s the surprise anyway.
But I woke up with this sentence in my head.
And THE SCALE showed me a 135,4.
I am sure you can imagine how I am feeling today.
The most important fact in this story is: She knows about my food issues. She is the only person in the world who knows about it. Why did she do this to me? She is one of my best friends, and she does not like me enough to be polite and not to trigger me?
What does she want from me, see me fading away and telling everybody: I know what her problem is, but I tried everything, I cannot help her???
So here I am, old and fat and a bad mother, and no one likes me enough not to hurt me.
I wish I would be a better person, more intersting, more caring, with more things to love, and with less fat hanging on my bones. Wrinkles are bad enough.
I will show her.
I will show everybody.
Her, my mother in law, my mother, my husband, my colleagues.
Right now, I hate them all.
THE SCALE loved me for once, I had a nice and easy 132.4, and I suddenly felt so skinny and light and whatever.
I had planned a girls night out with an old friend of mine, and I knew that we would have dinner together, and I was like: Well, whatever, right now, I am on such a good way, it will be fine.
The evening was nice, warm weather, dinner outside, hubby taking care of the baby, good food and no bad feelings while I was eating, that was completely new to me.
So nice.
And then she dropped it:
"You have changed for the better since you are a mom."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you are not so skinny anymore, you always looked like a skinny chick. You are much better now."
...
...
I smiled.
I thought: Well, I already know that I am fat, so what´s the surprise anyway.
But I woke up with this sentence in my head.
And THE SCALE showed me a 135,4.
I am sure you can imagine how I am feeling today.
The most important fact in this story is: She knows about my food issues. She is the only person in the world who knows about it. Why did she do this to me? She is one of my best friends, and she does not like me enough to be polite and not to trigger me?
What does she want from me, see me fading away and telling everybody: I know what her problem is, but I tried everything, I cannot help her???
So here I am, old and fat and a bad mother, and no one likes me enough not to hurt me.
I wish I would be a better person, more intersting, more caring, with more things to love, and with less fat hanging on my bones. Wrinkles are bad enough.
I will show her.
I will show everybody.
Her, my mother in law, my mother, my husband, my colleagues.
Right now, I hate them all.
6/03/2013
24-2 (Thoughts of a tired one)
Not much to tell about the second shift.
Food-wise, I did relatively good. I had no solid food at all, but the offices were full of sweets and I think I took some too much. But my belly feels Ok this morning, I will step on THE SCALE tomorrow morning and tell you.
I kinda lost my heart last night when someone told me the story of one of my clients. It was so sad and brutal and unfair, I thought about it the rest of the night and first thing in the morning:
A couple doing drugs together, having a child together, betraying the world and the trust of their littel boy together, and one night, in a drug rush and nightmare, the man left his little boy burning in the flames of a barbecue and simply went away. Later, the police found the little dead body. Now both are in a mental hospital and hopefully stay there forever.
I called home immediately to check if everything was OK there.
And ever since, I ask myself, why I cannot be more grateful for what I have instead of wining because of my ruined body. One day, I will die anyway. Why is it so important to me how I look on the outside? Why do I not feel good just because there are higher numbers on THE SCALE? I am an intelligent woman, why can´t I find another source of self-worth than the size of my clothes?
But still I cannot change.
And I get worse. In the last few weeks and months, I realized how much older I am looking now. There are wrinkles around my eyes, I know that they are related to smiling, but who gives a ..... about that? I don´t want them. And I am looking so tired, even exhausted. Well, having a little baby and working 60 to 80 hours a week plus 24h shifts does not help. And I guess there is no make-up in the world which can cover that.
And most of the time, I think:
Well, if you look this old and fainted and sick, you should at least be skinny enough. And you can never be skinny enough.
And sometimes I am so scared, because I am kinda happy right now, family-wise and life-wise, and it can only get worse, right? My food, my weight, my looks, they are things that truly and deeply depend on my ability to control myself. My ability to check numbers and movements and to fight the hunger. And what is hunger, anyway? A little pain in the belly compared to the feeling of inner strength and control? Why am I wining about that? A bad day, a high number, maybe a littel self-hatred, why do I constantly pity myself?
I guess I am just weak right now, and I have to get my strength back. And if I am strong again, I just walk on, I restrict, I lose, I fight, and in the end I can feel good again, as a mother, and as a woman, and as a person with some issues...
I will get up now, I will take my own challenge, I will keep busy and will not eat until hubby gets home from work. And I will prepare a low cal dinner for both of us, so that there is no way for him to get fast food again.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
And I will do everything as close to perfect as I can, ending up in being thin, strong and powerful again. I will be me again.
Food-wise, I did relatively good. I had no solid food at all, but the offices were full of sweets and I think I took some too much. But my belly feels Ok this morning, I will step on THE SCALE tomorrow morning and tell you.
I kinda lost my heart last night when someone told me the story of one of my clients. It was so sad and brutal and unfair, I thought about it the rest of the night and first thing in the morning:
A couple doing drugs together, having a child together, betraying the world and the trust of their littel boy together, and one night, in a drug rush and nightmare, the man left his little boy burning in the flames of a barbecue and simply went away. Later, the police found the little dead body. Now both are in a mental hospital and hopefully stay there forever.
I called home immediately to check if everything was OK there.
And ever since, I ask myself, why I cannot be more grateful for what I have instead of wining because of my ruined body. One day, I will die anyway. Why is it so important to me how I look on the outside? Why do I not feel good just because there are higher numbers on THE SCALE? I am an intelligent woman, why can´t I find another source of self-worth than the size of my clothes?
But still I cannot change.
And I get worse. In the last few weeks and months, I realized how much older I am looking now. There are wrinkles around my eyes, I know that they are related to smiling, but who gives a ..... about that? I don´t want them. And I am looking so tired, even exhausted. Well, having a little baby and working 60 to 80 hours a week plus 24h shifts does not help. And I guess there is no make-up in the world which can cover that.
And most of the time, I think:
Well, if you look this old and fainted and sick, you should at least be skinny enough. And you can never be skinny enough.
And sometimes I am so scared, because I am kinda happy right now, family-wise and life-wise, and it can only get worse, right? My food, my weight, my looks, they are things that truly and deeply depend on my ability to control myself. My ability to check numbers and movements and to fight the hunger. And what is hunger, anyway? A little pain in the belly compared to the feeling of inner strength and control? Why am I wining about that? A bad day, a high number, maybe a littel self-hatred, why do I constantly pity myself?
I guess I am just weak right now, and I have to get my strength back. And if I am strong again, I just walk on, I restrict, I lose, I fight, and in the end I can feel good again, as a mother, and as a woman, and as a person with some issues...
I will get up now, I will take my own challenge, I will keep busy and will not eat until hubby gets home from work. And I will prepare a low cal dinner for both of us, so that there is no way for him to get fast food again.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
And I will do everything as close to perfect as I can, ending up in being thin, strong and powerful again. I will be me again.
5/31/2013
24-1
Today was actually a nice working day.
Right now, I think I can go to bed and get some hours of sleep getting paid all the time.
Usually, I am running around the whole night, so I am not emberassed by getting paid for sleeping.
Food wise, I screwed up a little, but not too much.
I had the soy milk and no breakfast and no oat bran (forgot it at home), lots of coffee with skimmed mild, but in the evening I had a sandwich, which is really bad.
I think I am not getting the 4DD, but still a remarkable deficit, and no weight gain besides the water retention which comes with the long hours.
I am still at 134 today, and this plateau feels fine for me, since I had such a hard time getting to the 134 in the first place. I think next week I will lose a little again, but not much earlier.
Tomorrow, it will be in-between 24h shifts, and I will not prepare dinner for myself and the hubby, too lazy, and he will bring something on the way home, meaning fast food, empty cals and bad fat.
I will try to level it down with the fat blockers and carb blockers, but I am not sure they even do anything. I am only taking them afer "bad meals", not all the time, and I can not notice the slightest change. Maybe they are just money spent on the wrong thing, but it makes me feel better after eating a "normal" meal, and maybe that´s worth the money.
Anyway, this will be the plan:
No breakfast
2 or 3 lattes (150)
oat bran with some milk (100)
dinner with the hubby with lots of blocker capsules
I will decide which food I want tomorrow evening, this can be something like a Marilyn Meal ( I used to have Marilyn Days, but right now I am in no condition to have a whole day), maybe some bread with cheese and a few french fries and some salad? I don´t know yet, maybe I will ask THE SCALE in the morning and decide afterwards. But no frustration-choice! No can do!
Sitting here, in my office, in the middle of the night, thinking about food and cals and dinner plans and fat hanging on my body, I feel like I did a long time ago, when my little boy was just a dream, and my hubby and me were all I thought about and felt for. I miss myself sometimes. I am losing my old self. but I have to admit, the new MC is much "lighter" in spirit, and unfortunately, much "havier" physically.
Right now, I think I can go to bed and get some hours of sleep getting paid all the time.
Usually, I am running around the whole night, so I am not emberassed by getting paid for sleeping.
Food wise, I screwed up a little, but not too much.
I had the soy milk and no breakfast and no oat bran (forgot it at home), lots of coffee with skimmed mild, but in the evening I had a sandwich, which is really bad.
I think I am not getting the 4DD, but still a remarkable deficit, and no weight gain besides the water retention which comes with the long hours.
I am still at 134 today, and this plateau feels fine for me, since I had such a hard time getting to the 134 in the first place. I think next week I will lose a little again, but not much earlier.
Tomorrow, it will be in-between 24h shifts, and I will not prepare dinner for myself and the hubby, too lazy, and he will bring something on the way home, meaning fast food, empty cals and bad fat.
I will try to level it down with the fat blockers and carb blockers, but I am not sure they even do anything. I am only taking them afer "bad meals", not all the time, and I can not notice the slightest change. Maybe they are just money spent on the wrong thing, but it makes me feel better after eating a "normal" meal, and maybe that´s worth the money.
Anyway, this will be the plan:
No breakfast
2 or 3 lattes (150)
oat bran with some milk (100)
dinner with the hubby with lots of blocker capsules
I will decide which food I want tomorrow evening, this can be something like a Marilyn Meal ( I used to have Marilyn Days, but right now I am in no condition to have a whole day), maybe some bread with cheese and a few french fries and some salad? I don´t know yet, maybe I will ask THE SCALE in the morning and decide afterwards. But no frustration-choice! No can do!
Sitting here, in my office, in the middle of the night, thinking about food and cals and dinner plans and fat hanging on my body, I feel like I did a long time ago, when my little boy was just a dream, and my hubby and me were all I thought about and felt for. I miss myself sometimes. I am losing my old self. but I have to admit, the new MC is much "lighter" in spirit, and unfortunately, much "havier" physically.
5/30/2013
Working madness
Tomorrow will start the working madness:
6 days, 3x 24h shifts.
It will be extremely hard, but there is nothing I can do about it, and it is a real chance for me:
Being at work = liquid days = weight loss!
Hopefully.
My hubby asked me today if it is really a good idea to work so hard and not eat solid food (he simply guessed, but he was right), I did not answer. After a few minutes he said: Well, with me at home, it is really hard for you to lose weight...
:-)
Yes, he is right. He always buys the bad food, and feeds it to me, and after a few suggestions every night, I simply give in. Mostly it´s ice cream and potatoe crisps, and both are really bad: Tasty, but without any nutritional value and really, really hard to get rid of.
Anyway, I did good today,
no breakfast
some oat bran for the BM
some latte over the day
asparagus and potatoes for dinner (I know, the potatoes are bad, but in addition to the asparagus, it is still a low cal dinner)
over all, there´s the 4 digit deficit I want to acchieve...
By the way, 2 weeks from now, I will return to the maternity leave, and of course it will be hard with the money not earned by me and the new house and everything, but it will give me the chance to spend much time with my little angle and:
I will be able to do sports!!!!
I bought a treadmill and a crosstrainer some time ago, and there is the yoga I miss so badly.
I will make a sports plan for myself, I am not sure how much time I will take for myself, but it will be great, I am really looking forward to it.
I never thought that I would ever miss sports....
:-)
Wish me luck on my bad working hours, I need some time to unwind and think life through, this sounds really grave, it is a good thing, not a bad thing.
6 days, 3x 24h shifts.
It will be extremely hard, but there is nothing I can do about it, and it is a real chance for me:
Being at work = liquid days = weight loss!
Hopefully.
My hubby asked me today if it is really a good idea to work so hard and not eat solid food (he simply guessed, but he was right), I did not answer. After a few minutes he said: Well, with me at home, it is really hard for you to lose weight...
:-)
Yes, he is right. He always buys the bad food, and feeds it to me, and after a few suggestions every night, I simply give in. Mostly it´s ice cream and potatoe crisps, and both are really bad: Tasty, but without any nutritional value and really, really hard to get rid of.
Anyway, I did good today,
no breakfast
some oat bran for the BM
some latte over the day
asparagus and potatoes for dinner (I know, the potatoes are bad, but in addition to the asparagus, it is still a low cal dinner)
over all, there´s the 4 digit deficit I want to acchieve...
By the way, 2 weeks from now, I will return to the maternity leave, and of course it will be hard with the money not earned by me and the new house and everything, but it will give me the chance to spend much time with my little angle and:
I will be able to do sports!!!!
I bought a treadmill and a crosstrainer some time ago, and there is the yoga I miss so badly.
I will make a sports plan for myself, I am not sure how much time I will take for myself, but it will be great, I am really looking forward to it.
I never thought that I would ever miss sports....
:-)
Wish me luck on my bad working hours, I need some time to unwind and think life through, this sounds really grave, it is a good thing, not a bad thing.
5/29/2013
Lost again
Got some pretty wild days, no time to blog, no time to relax, unwind.
Huge fight with the husband, the usual tasks, housework, taking care of the child, going to work, who does more, who does less, who is the lazy ass (me, of course).
Lots of work to do, running, around, making decisions in the blink of an eye and wonder for hours if there could have been another way.
And the f*** SCALE, sticking to the same numbers as the day before, and the day before, and so on. I needed more than three weeks for 2 pounds. What the hell?
But you know, I am used to fighting, to being strong even though there is no strength left deep inside. And I still stick to my challenge, I will lose it,somehow.
So today, I had 2 latte (100)
somel broth (10)
a piece of toast (70)
fish (150)
vegetables (150)
some joghurt for dessert (100)
I should be good today... no alcohol, sad but true, and no chocolate, although I would kill for it.
Tomorrow I will try not to have cake at my in-laws, and try to have some vegetables for dinner and nothing more. No breakfast, but some lattes, I really need them for my balance.
This morning, THE SCALE said 134.0, and since I saw a 133.x 2 days in a row before, I think I can make a check mark on the 134. This could be a good thing, but I really find it pathetic to celebrate such a high number after once celebrating 13lbs less.
Huge fight with the husband, the usual tasks, housework, taking care of the child, going to work, who does more, who does less, who is the lazy ass (me, of course).
Lots of work to do, running, around, making decisions in the blink of an eye and wonder for hours if there could have been another way.
And the f*** SCALE, sticking to the same numbers as the day before, and the day before, and so on. I needed more than three weeks for 2 pounds. What the hell?
But you know, I am used to fighting, to being strong even though there is no strength left deep inside. And I still stick to my challenge, I will lose it,somehow.
So today, I had 2 latte (100)
somel broth (10)
a piece of toast (70)
fish (150)
vegetables (150)
some joghurt for dessert (100)
I should be good today... no alcohol, sad but true, and no chocolate, although I would kill for it.
Tomorrow I will try not to have cake at my in-laws, and try to have some vegetables for dinner and nothing more. No breakfast, but some lattes, I really need them for my balance.
This morning, THE SCALE said 134.0, and since I saw a 133.x 2 days in a row before, I think I can make a check mark on the 134. This could be a good thing, but I really find it pathetic to celebrate such a high number after once celebrating 13lbs less.
5/19/2013
24h
Another 24h shift.
THE SCALE said 134.8 this morning.
Well, whatever.
It´s bad and I know it.
but right now, I am not despondent anymore, just.... well....don´t know...nothing.
today, I did good, anyway.
Soy milk during the day,
tomatoe soup 2x (150 cals each)
and, well, a piece of bread, not so good,
but overall, I should be OK.
Many lattes, very stressful day at work, so, well, there is SOMETHING to keep your mind off everything else, mine was latte today.
but I still think I should be good.
No SKALE tomorrow morning... maybe I´ll give it a try in the evening, right now, this is sometimes really nice, you know, the fluid problems.
I am still a little shaken by yesterdays... well.....encounter. Still feeling a little weak and alone, but it is getting better and tomorrow, when this working day is over, it will be fine, I guess. I always get up again, I know that. And the belly is not blue, right now, good luck.
Tomorrow will be a uncertain day.
No breakfast, of course, just latte.
No lunch, hubby will be eating out lunch.
Invitation to a wedding, but not the whole show, just church and little meeting afterwards, I hope for a glass of sparkling wine, and I hope for myself not to eat those tiny little things carried around, you know those. And they always hold them straight under your nose:
Would you like another?
And I am always like: No, thank you, not one, not another, thank you and get lost!!!!
If I can spare them, I should survive the day on 260 cals before getting dinner, which hubby will not really care for since he we will have had the lunch with the family and the wedding thingies.
Meaning: I should be able to have a flawless day!
This would mean a lot to me....
I will try it.
Mantra...mantra....
I am restriction. Restriction is a part of me...
THE SCALE said 134.8 this morning.
Well, whatever.
It´s bad and I know it.
but right now, I am not despondent anymore, just.... well....don´t know...nothing.
today, I did good, anyway.
Soy milk during the day,
tomatoe soup 2x (150 cals each)
and, well, a piece of bread, not so good,
but overall, I should be OK.
Many lattes, very stressful day at work, so, well, there is SOMETHING to keep your mind off everything else, mine was latte today.
but I still think I should be good.
No SKALE tomorrow morning... maybe I´ll give it a try in the evening, right now, this is sometimes really nice, you know, the fluid problems.
I am still a little shaken by yesterdays... well.....encounter. Still feeling a little weak and alone, but it is getting better and tomorrow, when this working day is over, it will be fine, I guess. I always get up again, I know that. And the belly is not blue, right now, good luck.
Tomorrow will be a uncertain day.
No breakfast, of course, just latte.
No lunch, hubby will be eating out lunch.
Invitation to a wedding, but not the whole show, just church and little meeting afterwards, I hope for a glass of sparkling wine, and I hope for myself not to eat those tiny little things carried around, you know those. And they always hold them straight under your nose:
Would you like another?
And I am always like: No, thank you, not one, not another, thank you and get lost!!!!
If I can spare them, I should survive the day on 260 cals before getting dinner, which hubby will not really care for since he we will have had the lunch with the family and the wedding thingies.
Meaning: I should be able to have a flawless day!
This would mean a lot to me....
I will try it.
Mantra...mantra....
I am restriction. Restriction is a part of me...
5/18/2013
One day, eventually, you will lose.
I am not on a lucky streak right now.
Yesterday was awful. The whole day I was so hungry, like I would be this tiny and empty thin person, but still being ultra-fat. And I was so cold and shaky and still fat. And I did relatively good during the day at work, which was an extra hard day with lots of work and running and fighting and well, forget it.
When I came home, I was so tired and weak and sad, and it got worse. Hubby spent the whole day organizing stuff and taking the baby with him, dragging him through the world, and when I arrived, baby got really stressed and cried and needed some attention, and then hubby went away, thank you very much.
And he didn´t go grocery shopping, and since I had to take care of the crying baby and was ultra-tired, he said:
Well, if you do not get shopping, I will bring fast food.
The support I get right now is really overwhelming...
I took a handful of blocker tablets, but they did not work, and THE SCALE went up this morning.
135.4
Yeah, thank you.
And in the second I saw this number, it became clear to me:
The disorder is back.
I left the bathroom where my baby was on the floor, went into the bedroom, and I punched myself into my stomach and belly really hard.
Several times.
And I wished I could have cried, but I couldn´t.
Now, my belly still hurts, and it is getting red all over, hopefully not blue tomorrow, I all I can think of is: The pain will remind me not to eat, it is worse than hunger.
To pass the 134 will be like climbing the Mount Everest, I think. It will take me a long time and will return several times. How pathetic is this number, anyway???? This used to happen at 123!!!!
There is a kind of despondence inside me, a raging one, and I really have to remind myself that not everything in the world is bad, not to be harsh to my baby, which realizes that something is wrong and is crying and spitting all over me the whole morning.
My head is hurting, my belly is hurting, and my heart is crying, but I am not.
Hubby is gone, like all the time, but it would not help if he was here, he would give me a bad feeling anyway. Not good enought, not strong enought, not doing enough around the house, although I am the one working and he is the one staying at home with the baby.
A miunute ago, I started crying, hopefully it gets better now.
Yesterday was awful. The whole day I was so hungry, like I would be this tiny and empty thin person, but still being ultra-fat. And I was so cold and shaky and still fat. And I did relatively good during the day at work, which was an extra hard day with lots of work and running and fighting and well, forget it.
When I came home, I was so tired and weak and sad, and it got worse. Hubby spent the whole day organizing stuff and taking the baby with him, dragging him through the world, and when I arrived, baby got really stressed and cried and needed some attention, and then hubby went away, thank you very much.
And he didn´t go grocery shopping, and since I had to take care of the crying baby and was ultra-tired, he said:
Well, if you do not get shopping, I will bring fast food.
The support I get right now is really overwhelming...
I took a handful of blocker tablets, but they did not work, and THE SCALE went up this morning.
135.4
Yeah, thank you.
And in the second I saw this number, it became clear to me:
The disorder is back.
I left the bathroom where my baby was on the floor, went into the bedroom, and I punched myself into my stomach and belly really hard.
Several times.
And I wished I could have cried, but I couldn´t.
Now, my belly still hurts, and it is getting red all over, hopefully not blue tomorrow, I all I can think of is: The pain will remind me not to eat, it is worse than hunger.
To pass the 134 will be like climbing the Mount Everest, I think. It will take me a long time and will return several times. How pathetic is this number, anyway???? This used to happen at 123!!!!
There is a kind of despondence inside me, a raging one, and I really have to remind myself that not everything in the world is bad, not to be harsh to my baby, which realizes that something is wrong and is crying and spitting all over me the whole morning.
My head is hurting, my belly is hurting, and my heart is crying, but I am not.
Hubby is gone, like all the time, but it would not help if he was here, he would give me a bad feeling anyway. Not good enought, not strong enought, not doing enough around the house, although I am the one working and he is the one staying at home with the baby.
A miunute ago, I started crying, hopefully it gets better now.
5/16/2013
Prediction
As I anticipated yesterday:
+1,2 lbs.
135,6
There is always this ONE step you cannot take for a long time, and suddenly it is gone (hopefully): Mine is 134 right now. I am around and slightly over it for 2 weeks now. Imagine all the frustration and borement that comes with this. But I am sure you all know that.
I need to sleep, today I was so tired I could have cried...
I had chocolate today, so the whole plan went down...
Whatever....
I guess tomorrow will be the same weight as today.
Eating plan:
morning latte
oat bran
dinner with cauliflower and soy thingy.
should be around 600, if I should stick to this I will have some wine in the evening and still the 4DD.
My determination is sinking right now, but I am a stubborn person....
Mantra, mantra....
I am so tired, I feel completely empty, not even sad or frustrated. All that is left is the baby beside me.
I will keep you posted tomorrow...
+1,2 lbs.
135,6
There is always this ONE step you cannot take for a long time, and suddenly it is gone (hopefully): Mine is 134 right now. I am around and slightly over it for 2 weeks now. Imagine all the frustration and borement that comes with this. But I am sure you all know that.
I need to sleep, today I was so tired I could have cried...
I had chocolate today, so the whole plan went down...
Whatever....
I guess tomorrow will be the same weight as today.
Eating plan:
morning latte
oat bran
dinner with cauliflower and soy thingy.
should be around 600, if I should stick to this I will have some wine in the evening and still the 4DD.
My determination is sinking right now, but I am a stubborn person....
Mantra, mantra....
I am so tired, I feel completely empty, not even sad or frustrated. All that is left is the baby beside me.
I will keep you posted tomorrow...
5/15/2013
Fluid Management
There is a new and strange thing going on:
Usually, I weigh myself first thing in the morning. A few days ago, I did so, and about 2 hours later I realized that I had to go to the bathroom all the time, and I had nothing to drink. So I stepped back on THE SCALE, and it showed me 2 lbs. less.
?
This has happende three days in a row now, and this was my last result:
134.4
I really like that, by now.
Anyway, there has to be a problem in the fluid management, I guess. Of course I like the fact of going down during the first few hours of the day, but it makes it harder for me to keep track, since I am not staying at home next to THE SCALE waiting for the next chance to jump on it.
But the fluids-only-24h-shift worked fine for me, this time, and this is really a relief. There has to be somthing that makes me lose weight. Being pregnant once in you life cannot mean that your metabolism is scewed forever, this is simply not possible.
But today, to ruin it all, was bad.
There was a company breakfast, which was really important for my department, and I had to be there and talk to people I do not like and talk about things I do not care about and I HATED IT. And pretending does not belong to the things I can do best.
In the end, I just had some food to get it over with, and I did not bring the blocker tablets since I did not want to eat and I was just too weak.
Dinner with hubby was alright, the usual asparagus, potatoes and some sauce, but he brought me icecream when he got something to eat for watching TV, that´s just his way of doing this. And I could not say no, that would have been too unkind, so I ate the icecream too, but I took a fat blocker afterwards, so I should be good with that one.
I guess the wonderful 134.xx will be gone, and the 135 or worse will meet me tomorrow morning. And then, there will be my willpower neede to stick to the plan I am making right now:
morning latte
some oat bran (need it badly!)
no food during the day, but a low fat yoghurt at hand if I should need a treat (70 cals, OK...)
low cal dinner, I will get something on the way home, then I can decide what to bring and I can get some meat for hubby, if he gets this, he does not care what lies on his plate additionally.
This should make a 4 digit deficit possible.
I remember being bored by this:
Making dinner plans, the same food nearly every day, and constant fluctuation on THE SCALE, but right now, I like it, it excites me, and I am looking forward to every new day. Imagine my determination, if I should ever start losing again, it could be HUGE
Could be....
I cannot believe that once there was a 121 on THE SCALE, right now, this seems really impossible.
And there are all these clothes, waiting in my cupboard, waiting for the day I dare to try them on.... I did twice until now, and it really depressed me... and I still need the one-sice-fits-all-company-clothes.... How bad is that....
I will get off work in June, then I will be able to workout again.... I will run, I hope, there are still some medical conditions left from the birth of my son, and I am always hoping that one day I will be allowed to run again, I saw in my own blog that I used to do this nearly every day some time.... I wish...
Here is my new "wishbook":
- I wish for my clothes to fit me again
- I wish for feeling skinny again
- I wish for THE SCALE to change the secon digit.
- I wish for being able to run
- I wish for me not sabotaging myself constantly
- I wish for strength and determination
- I wish for all beautiful girls and women out there to find a place where they can like themselves for what they are, and not for what they look like. And I wish for me finding that place too.
Usually, I weigh myself first thing in the morning. A few days ago, I did so, and about 2 hours later I realized that I had to go to the bathroom all the time, and I had nothing to drink. So I stepped back on THE SCALE, and it showed me 2 lbs. less.
?
This has happende three days in a row now, and this was my last result:
134.4
I really like that, by now.
Anyway, there has to be a problem in the fluid management, I guess. Of course I like the fact of going down during the first few hours of the day, but it makes it harder for me to keep track, since I am not staying at home next to THE SCALE waiting for the next chance to jump on it.
But the fluids-only-24h-shift worked fine for me, this time, and this is really a relief. There has to be somthing that makes me lose weight. Being pregnant once in you life cannot mean that your metabolism is scewed forever, this is simply not possible.
But today, to ruin it all, was bad.
There was a company breakfast, which was really important for my department, and I had to be there and talk to people I do not like and talk about things I do not care about and I HATED IT. And pretending does not belong to the things I can do best.
In the end, I just had some food to get it over with, and I did not bring the blocker tablets since I did not want to eat and I was just too weak.
Dinner with hubby was alright, the usual asparagus, potatoes and some sauce, but he brought me icecream when he got something to eat for watching TV, that´s just his way of doing this. And I could not say no, that would have been too unkind, so I ate the icecream too, but I took a fat blocker afterwards, so I should be good with that one.
I guess the wonderful 134.xx will be gone, and the 135 or worse will meet me tomorrow morning. And then, there will be my willpower neede to stick to the plan I am making right now:
morning latte
some oat bran (need it badly!)
no food during the day, but a low fat yoghurt at hand if I should need a treat (70 cals, OK...)
low cal dinner, I will get something on the way home, then I can decide what to bring and I can get some meat for hubby, if he gets this, he does not care what lies on his plate additionally.
This should make a 4 digit deficit possible.
I remember being bored by this:
Making dinner plans, the same food nearly every day, and constant fluctuation on THE SCALE, but right now, I like it, it excites me, and I am looking forward to every new day. Imagine my determination, if I should ever start losing again, it could be HUGE
Could be....
I cannot believe that once there was a 121 on THE SCALE, right now, this seems really impossible.
And there are all these clothes, waiting in my cupboard, waiting for the day I dare to try them on.... I did twice until now, and it really depressed me... and I still need the one-sice-fits-all-company-clothes.... How bad is that....
I will get off work in June, then I will be able to workout again.... I will run, I hope, there are still some medical conditions left from the birth of my son, and I am always hoping that one day I will be allowed to run again, I saw in my own blog that I used to do this nearly every day some time.... I wish...
Here is my new "wishbook":
- I wish for my clothes to fit me again
- I wish for feeling skinny again
- I wish for THE SCALE to change the secon digit.
- I wish for being able to run
- I wish for me not sabotaging myself constantly
- I wish for strength and determination
- I wish for all beautiful girls and women out there to find a place where they can like themselves for what they are, and not for what they look like. And I wish for me finding that place too.
5/13/2013
Until now....
... I made it flawlessly!!!
Soy milk, 1 l of it, 290 cals
Weight Watchers Soup 195 cals
morning latte 50 cals
Some coffee during the day with a little milk only, maybe another 50
Let´s say 600 cals...
and right now, I was on the search, roaming aroung like a tiger, and no food to be found. My dear collegues ate everything around.
Perfect.
Right now, I will try to get some sleep, maybe I will get a few hours, we will see.
The ultimate emergency plan if I have to get up again in 1 hour:
Cappuccino from the vending machine.
But even this is better than solid food-
This morning THE SCALE said 135.8, still rising, even if I did OK yesterday, but I got the feeling of water retention and fluid management problems, so I do not get disappointed and stick to it.
Tomorrow morning, I will not be able to weigh myself first thing in the morning, but when I come home, I will give it a try when I got the feeling that most of the water is gone...
I am excited!!!
I wish to see a 134.xx sooo much.
But right now, even if this will not happen tomorrow, I will stick to it.
I need to do this.
I have to do this.
I remember my old mantra:
I am restriction, restriction is a part of me.
I am restriction, restriction is a part of me.
I am restriction, restriction is a part of me...
Soy milk, 1 l of it, 290 cals
Weight Watchers Soup 195 cals
morning latte 50 cals
Some coffee during the day with a little milk only, maybe another 50
Let´s say 600 cals...
and right now, I was on the search, roaming aroung like a tiger, and no food to be found. My dear collegues ate everything around.
Perfect.
Right now, I will try to get some sleep, maybe I will get a few hours, we will see.
The ultimate emergency plan if I have to get up again in 1 hour:
Cappuccino from the vending machine.
But even this is better than solid food-
This morning THE SCALE said 135.8, still rising, even if I did OK yesterday, but I got the feeling of water retention and fluid management problems, so I do not get disappointed and stick to it.
Tomorrow morning, I will not be able to weigh myself first thing in the morning, but when I come home, I will give it a try when I got the feeling that most of the water is gone...
I am excited!!!
I wish to see a 134.xx sooo much.
But right now, even if this will not happen tomorrow, I will stick to it.
I need to do this.
I have to do this.
I remember my old mantra:
I am restriction, restriction is a part of me.
I am restriction, restriction is a part of me.
I am restriction, restriction is a part of me...
5/12/2013
Mothersday
My first one...
After 135,6 this morning, there was no reason not to feel good.
Foodwise, I did really good:
3 latte over the day, no additional food 150
asparagus, potatoes and some sauce 350
some wine, don't know....
Seems to be OK.
I will tell you tomorrow.
Right now, I am lying in bed with my beloved baby next to me. I am at peace.
24h shift tomorrow.
IWill try to have soup and soy milk only.
please wish me luck!
After 135,6 this morning, there was no reason not to feel good.
Foodwise, I did really good:
3 latte over the day, no additional food 150
asparagus, potatoes and some sauce 350
some wine, don't know....
Seems to be OK.
I will tell you tomorrow.
Right now, I am lying in bed with my beloved baby next to me. I am at peace.
24h shift tomorrow.
IWill try to have soup and soy milk only.
please wish me luck!
5/11/2013
Short
Had no time today to blog and write a decent post, but the important things:
135,2 this morning!!!!
Don't remind me of Former times when I fought for 121, I was proud. The challenge is back on!
Today was Not a success, unfortunately, hubby wanted fast food takeout, but I had 2 latte with skimmed milk(100) and some oat bran(100) during the Day so far and ran around the whole day, meaning I should still be good.
I took a Look at some old posts of mine this morning, it caught me really Bad, but I got some thinspiration, I will do the liquid days during the 24 h shifts again, thats why I went Shopping immediately and got the soy milk and the weight watchers soup, Leaving me with 450 Cals for "food" during the Day. Just Latte additionally, it will be great, I am looking forward to this. Not the hunger or the strange Looks, but the challenge. Will I make it????
The First Shift is on monday. Stay with me girls! And do Not worry, if I fail I will tell you, Even if this is extra hard.
Please let there be a 135.xx tomorrow.
135,2 this morning!!!!
Don't remind me of Former times when I fought for 121, I was proud. The challenge is back on!
Today was Not a success, unfortunately, hubby wanted fast food takeout, but I had 2 latte with skimmed milk(100) and some oat bran(100) during the Day so far and ran around the whole day, meaning I should still be good.
I took a Look at some old posts of mine this morning, it caught me really Bad, but I got some thinspiration, I will do the liquid days during the 24 h shifts again, thats why I went Shopping immediately and got the soy milk and the weight watchers soup, Leaving me with 450 Cals for "food" during the Day. Just Latte additionally, it will be great, I am looking forward to this. Not the hunger or the strange Looks, but the challenge. Will I make it????
The First Shift is on monday. Stay with me girls! And do Not worry, if I fail I will tell you, Even if this is extra hard.
Please let there be a 135.xx tomorrow.
5/10/2013
Deceit
Of course, THE SCALE went up.
137.2
This is awful.
I don´t know if I secretly hoped it would not, or if I hoped it would not be that much.
2 days work destroyed. If I carry on like this, I will gain weight...no, I will stay just the way I am, but without any fun and selfesteem.
Last night, I read one of my favourite blogs from some time ago, and the lady kept her apartment spotless to get some extra "Workout" and please everybody around. I will try this today.
Maybe I can survive the day with mini-lattes (less milk, more coffee).
Oh, by the way, my belly hurts big-time today, so maybe I just thought that I did not fill myself up totally yesterday, This would be the next step on the ladder of self-deceit.
Yes, I am really doing great right now...
137.2
This is awful.
I don´t know if I secretly hoped it would not, or if I hoped it would not be that much.
2 days work destroyed. If I carry on like this, I will gain weight...no, I will stay just the way I am, but without any fun and selfesteem.
Last night, I read one of my favourite blogs from some time ago, and the lady kept her apartment spotless to get some extra "Workout" and please everybody around. I will try this today.
Maybe I can survive the day with mini-lattes (less milk, more coffee).
Oh, by the way, my belly hurts big-time today, so maybe I just thought that I did not fill myself up totally yesterday, This would be the next step on the ladder of self-deceit.
Yes, I am really doing great right now...
5/09/2013
You live, you learn
This morning, my SCALE liked me.
135,6
This gave me the right swing to get through the day. No food during the day was really hard, I usually need some planned little meals like a joghurt or something, which I can look forward to, and there´s this lack of discipline when I already know that the day will end bad. But I came through it, I had no food until I arrived at my in-laws for the today Meet and Feed.
One time I found myself roaming aroung the kitchen, and I found those chewable vitamins I used to take. There are lots of fibres in them, they make you completely full for about 2 hours and they got 8 cals each. So I made myself some tea with toffee flavour and had 2 of those babies, it was perfect! I will re-initiate them in my daily routine.
When I arrived at my in-laws, I took some carb-blockers right before dinner and fat-blocker right after, I am not sure if they really work, but why not take them. Additionally, I had lots of water during dinner, and in the middle of it my baby needed food, too, so I had to make a pause and return later when dinner was already over.
After all, it went very well for me. I managed to control myself during the day and limited myself during the meal. Maybe I will be able to keep this up, and this should really help me lose weight. In former times, those "whatever-this-day-is-ruined-anyway-days"always destroyed the weight-loss of several days, and I always had problems with too much salt intake and water retention, imagine I could let all that behind me...
Unfortunately, THE SCALE will go up tomorrow morning anyway. Too much food, too much "normal" food, blocker or no blocker. I guess I had about 2000cals, there was some alcohol, some cake and some cheese.
Plan for tomorrow:
Some oat bran in the morning, good for a NBM, with milk 100cals
morning latte 57 cals
Joghurt for lunch 75 cals
latte in the afternoon 57 cals
salad for dinner, don´t now the ingredients yet, ca 350 cals
if I can keep myself from eating the joghurt, I can get a glass of wine in the evening, that would be nice
I guess next week I will stop having lunch, and the following week limit my latte intake to just one in the morning, and next week I will return to work, meaning I do not drink alcohol in the evenings.
And in June, I will be able to start working out again.
135,6
This gave me the right swing to get through the day. No food during the day was really hard, I usually need some planned little meals like a joghurt or something, which I can look forward to, and there´s this lack of discipline when I already know that the day will end bad. But I came through it, I had no food until I arrived at my in-laws for the today Meet and Feed.
One time I found myself roaming aroung the kitchen, and I found those chewable vitamins I used to take. There are lots of fibres in them, they make you completely full for about 2 hours and they got 8 cals each. So I made myself some tea with toffee flavour and had 2 of those babies, it was perfect! I will re-initiate them in my daily routine.
When I arrived at my in-laws, I took some carb-blockers right before dinner and fat-blocker right after, I am not sure if they really work, but why not take them. Additionally, I had lots of water during dinner, and in the middle of it my baby needed food, too, so I had to make a pause and return later when dinner was already over.
After all, it went very well for me. I managed to control myself during the day and limited myself during the meal. Maybe I will be able to keep this up, and this should really help me lose weight. In former times, those "whatever-this-day-is-ruined-anyway-days"always destroyed the weight-loss of several days, and I always had problems with too much salt intake and water retention, imagine I could let all that behind me...
Unfortunately, THE SCALE will go up tomorrow morning anyway. Too much food, too much "normal" food, blocker or no blocker. I guess I had about 2000cals, there was some alcohol, some cake and some cheese.
Plan for tomorrow:
Some oat bran in the morning, good for a NBM, with milk 100cals
morning latte 57 cals
Joghurt for lunch 75 cals
latte in the afternoon 57 cals
salad for dinner, don´t now the ingredients yet, ca 350 cals
if I can keep myself from eating the joghurt, I can get a glass of wine in the evening, that would be nice
I guess next week I will stop having lunch, and the following week limit my latte intake to just one in the morning, and next week I will return to work, meaning I do not drink alcohol in the evenings.
And in June, I will be able to start working out again.
5/08/2013
Could it be...
...that I found a way to "survive" the meet and feeds with the family?
I did as planned, no food during the day (but I have to admit that I suddenly found myself cleaning up the kitchen and "trying" things which are "old" and could be bad....how sick is that?), and some food and a lot of alcohol at night with the in-laws.
I saw a nice 136.2 this morning.
But it is dangerous. Usually, now would be the time for me to "celebrate" and have a nice little treat, and I end up gaining big time.
No, not today!
Plan for today:
Some out bran for breakfast ( I already skipped those pancake like things I had in the morning, there is an egg in those, too much cals) 100cals
the latte
no food during the day, if things get rough, some zero fat yoghurt, 75 cals
asparagus and some potatoes at dinner 350 cals.
This should do it.
I would be in a much better mood, if there were not the next meet and feed on thursday....yeah, again.... meaning I have to do the "starving-the-whole-day-to-appear-normal-at-dinner-thing" again. And the hubby will be at home, meaning I have to make excuses for breakfast and coffee-time (he always has cake, every day, and sometimes he wonders why he has no great abs...).
I have to admit, no food during the day and great dinner is very hard for me. Usually, if I know there will be a huge dinner, I feel like: Well, what the hell, the day will be ruined anyway, and I eat so much, that my belly hurts and THE SCALE jumps up because of all the food still in my system and all the water retention due to massive salt intake. 'And I start eating in the morning, same reason, what´s the point if the day will be bad anyway?
Yesterday, I made it, and I am kinda proud. Maybe I can stick to this, maybe I am able to stop this behaviour once and for all. This would make me lose easier and feel better. But it is also the perfect situation to sabotage myself.
I will tell you.
On another subject: Since I am a working Mom right now, I rush home after work, no shopping, no other delays, just to have and to hold my baby. Thats´s why I ended my gym membership (budget is low right now, the extra money is nice, too). I have a treadmill and a crosstrainer at home in my little room, got them cheap in a shop nearby. But I promised myself that I will not stress myself out because of doing sports in the evenings when junior is in bed. And I still think that this is sensible.
But everytime I look in the mirror, everytime I try some of those old trousers, who became skinny trousers all of a sudden, I wish my days had more hours, I wish I could split myself up, one MC to bring the baby to bed and hug and kiss him and wait for him to sleep, and the other MC to step on the machines and go for it.
There is always a price to pay.
This price is not higher than others, I just think of it as higher.
But let me tell you something:
Every day, every single day, I am in a good mood, laughing and dancing, with my baby in my arms, and I am so grateful to have him. And with the good mood, there is determination, and strength, and the will to make it.
I did as planned, no food during the day (but I have to admit that I suddenly found myself cleaning up the kitchen and "trying" things which are "old" and could be bad....how sick is that?), and some food and a lot of alcohol at night with the in-laws.
I saw a nice 136.2 this morning.
But it is dangerous. Usually, now would be the time for me to "celebrate" and have a nice little treat, and I end up gaining big time.
No, not today!
Plan for today:
Some out bran for breakfast ( I already skipped those pancake like things I had in the morning, there is an egg in those, too much cals) 100cals
the latte
no food during the day, if things get rough, some zero fat yoghurt, 75 cals
asparagus and some potatoes at dinner 350 cals.
This should do it.
I would be in a much better mood, if there were not the next meet and feed on thursday....yeah, again.... meaning I have to do the "starving-the-whole-day-to-appear-normal-at-dinner-thing" again. And the hubby will be at home, meaning I have to make excuses for breakfast and coffee-time (he always has cake, every day, and sometimes he wonders why he has no great abs...).
I have to admit, no food during the day and great dinner is very hard for me. Usually, if I know there will be a huge dinner, I feel like: Well, what the hell, the day will be ruined anyway, and I eat so much, that my belly hurts and THE SCALE jumps up because of all the food still in my system and all the water retention due to massive salt intake. 'And I start eating in the morning, same reason, what´s the point if the day will be bad anyway?
Yesterday, I made it, and I am kinda proud. Maybe I can stick to this, maybe I am able to stop this behaviour once and for all. This would make me lose easier and feel better. But it is also the perfect situation to sabotage myself.
I will tell you.
On another subject: Since I am a working Mom right now, I rush home after work, no shopping, no other delays, just to have and to hold my baby. Thats´s why I ended my gym membership (budget is low right now, the extra money is nice, too). I have a treadmill and a crosstrainer at home in my little room, got them cheap in a shop nearby. But I promised myself that I will not stress myself out because of doing sports in the evenings when junior is in bed. And I still think that this is sensible.
But everytime I look in the mirror, everytime I try some of those old trousers, who became skinny trousers all of a sudden, I wish my days had more hours, I wish I could split myself up, one MC to bring the baby to bed and hug and kiss him and wait for him to sleep, and the other MC to step on the machines and go for it.
There is always a price to pay.
This price is not higher than others, I just think of it as higher.
But let me tell you something:
Every day, every single day, I am in a good mood, laughing and dancing, with my baby in my arms, and I am so grateful to have him. And with the good mood, there is determination, and strength, and the will to make it.
5/07/2013
Something like a non-failure
Yesterday was.... well, something like a non-failure.
I followed the eating plan; I even had no wine or beer in the night, but 3 pieces of chocolate, this should even out.
That is why THE SCALE did not hate me as much as usual:
137.2
Totally the wrong number in the second digit, but whatever...
:-)
But today is going to be a problem:
There will be another meet and feed with the in-laws, I once wrote about those in my blog. Of course the haven´t changed, why should they, but during the last year, I did not care much. I just went there and ate with them.
But now I am back here, and back to restricting, and the old problems return. Tonight, they will have something like pizza. The french variation of that. Very bad cal-wise and carbohydrate-wise. And they always have alcohol before dinner.
I calculated the evening cals, foodwise without the desert, just the pizza thingy, 800 cals, alcohol 125 cals, and there will be additional food.... I guess icecream at the end.... And I already had the morning latte.
In the end, there is just one way:
No food during the day.
No food during the day.
No food during the day.
I am awful at that....
I will try, wish me luck...
I followed the eating plan; I even had no wine or beer in the night, but 3 pieces of chocolate, this should even out.
That is why THE SCALE did not hate me as much as usual:
137.2
Totally the wrong number in the second digit, but whatever...
:-)
But today is going to be a problem:
There will be another meet and feed with the in-laws, I once wrote about those in my blog. Of course the haven´t changed, why should they, but during the last year, I did not care much. I just went there and ate with them.
But now I am back here, and back to restricting, and the old problems return. Tonight, they will have something like pizza. The french variation of that. Very bad cal-wise and carbohydrate-wise. And they always have alcohol before dinner.
I calculated the evening cals, foodwise without the desert, just the pizza thingy, 800 cals, alcohol 125 cals, and there will be additional food.... I guess icecream at the end.... And I already had the morning latte.
In the end, there is just one way:
No food during the day.
No food during the day.
No food during the day.
I am awful at that....
I will try, wish me luck...
5/06/2013
Mindset
I always wonder how a grown-up woman can make a plan for herself, which is good for her, work the plan out, decide to follow it, and then succesfully sabotage herself into failing right at the beginning.
After posting my little challgenge out in the world, I ate like a pig for 4 whole days. 4 days, equaling 3 pounds.
I am at a straight 138 this morning.
And my belly hurts like hell and I am feeling just the way I felt 2 years ago, but at that time, I got despondent about 123.
Well, nevertheless I decided this will not make me fail in the long run, this will not rule me.
First step in the process of getting rid of this is posting my enormous weight right here.
Second step is giving it some thoughts.
I had this really thoughtful comment on my last post, thank you for that Lu! And you are so right. It is the mindset. And I tell you a secret now, I haven´t told anybody yet:
There is a little voice inside my head, which uses the excuse of a whole generation of women I told you about:
"You will never get your body back. You have given birth to a wonderful child, you have acchieved the most important thing in the world, who cares about your weight? Just get new clothes and get over it. You can be proud of yourself anyway!"
Although I make fun of all the women saying this, it is secretely inside me, too.
But I will not give in.
I will be strong. I am not strong right now, I know that, but I will be.
Third step is making food plans for the whole day again.
Today, there has to be a dinner with hubby, and since he is working physically right now, I cannot prepare some salad and tell him that´s all he can get. So we will have asparagus tonight, with potatoes, sauce and some meat for him.
By having lots of asparagus, some sauce and approx. 200g of potatoes, this will end up to 400 cals.
With the morning latte, 450 cals.
Even if I should have some light beer tonight after dinner, I should get the much needed 4 digit deficit I want to reach every day from now on. If I should ever get the chance to do some sports, I will still try to get the 4DD without the cals used by the extra activity.
Hopefully, THE SCALE will get down tomorrow. Usually, it takes some days to get down, as seen many times in my life. But I am sad everytime, nevertheless.
After posting my little challgenge out in the world, I ate like a pig for 4 whole days. 4 days, equaling 3 pounds.
I am at a straight 138 this morning.
And my belly hurts like hell and I am feeling just the way I felt 2 years ago, but at that time, I got despondent about 123.
Well, nevertheless I decided this will not make me fail in the long run, this will not rule me.
First step in the process of getting rid of this is posting my enormous weight right here.
1 3 8
Second step is giving it some thoughts.
I had this really thoughtful comment on my last post, thank you for that Lu! And you are so right. It is the mindset. And I tell you a secret now, I haven´t told anybody yet:
There is a little voice inside my head, which uses the excuse of a whole generation of women I told you about:
"You will never get your body back. You have given birth to a wonderful child, you have acchieved the most important thing in the world, who cares about your weight? Just get new clothes and get over it. You can be proud of yourself anyway!"
Although I make fun of all the women saying this, it is secretely inside me, too.
But I will not give in.
I will be strong. I am not strong right now, I know that, but I will be.
Third step is making food plans for the whole day again.
Today, there has to be a dinner with hubby, and since he is working physically right now, I cannot prepare some salad and tell him that´s all he can get. So we will have asparagus tonight, with potatoes, sauce and some meat for him.
By having lots of asparagus, some sauce and approx. 200g of potatoes, this will end up to 400 cals.
With the morning latte, 450 cals.
Even if I should have some light beer tonight after dinner, I should get the much needed 4 digit deficit I want to reach every day from now on. If I should ever get the chance to do some sports, I will still try to get the 4DD without the cals used by the extra activity.
Hopefully, THE SCALE will get down tomorrow. Usually, it takes some days to get down, as seen many times in my life. But I am sad everytime, nevertheless.
5/01/2013
THE CHALLENGE!
I did not do so good today....
THE SCALE sticked to 135.6, which is of course not an accomplishment, but also no failure. That´s why the day did not start in a bad mood. But working today was extra hard. I felt homesick and lonely and, of course, ultra-fat and disgusting. I still need to wear special working clothes, not my old, prior-to-pregnancy clothes which were made for me one day. How awful is that? And I need to ask for those non-personalized clothes, and every time it is like:
"Yeah, I know, I am still too fat to fit in my own clothes, could you please give me some baggy ones made to fit every woman working here? Thank you, how very kind. No, I don´t think that I can wear my own clothes the next month, I will have to come back..."
I read some of my old posts yesterday, and I found out how I used to eat, or not-eat during these long shifts 2 years ago. Maybe I should try this again, but I am afraid I am not strong enough yet to stick to those habits.... This seemed to be easy, and I was determined and strong an so cool about it...Was that really me? I cannot remember being such a person. I am reading the blog and it could be the one from a woman I never met. Did I actually have a day with 350 cals? And why do I not remember being strong an successful in restriciting, but failing and feeling miserable is very clear in my mind.... Seems like a bad choice...
And I did running on a regular basis....
ME????
Man, I was so cool! No wonder I could buy these lovely skinny clothes and look acceptable in them....No wonder I do not fit in them right now.
Right now, so many people tell me that I will never look or feel like I did before the pregnancy... Yeah, thank you ladies....
The question is:
Is this the excuse of a whole generation of women, or is it just not possible to return because of metabolic changes and schedules?
So there it is:
And here it is, out in the web, forever or something close to that.
Anybody with me?
Tomorrow will not be a protein day, I tried this today and failed miserably, at home, this is not an option right now. I will try to have only liquids during the day and a low cal dinner with the hubby, meaning I have to go grocery shopping, and I really have to go without him, he always buys the really bad things.... and I am never able to say no.... I am much too weak, this has to end here.
THE SCALE sticked to 135.6, which is of course not an accomplishment, but also no failure. That´s why the day did not start in a bad mood. But working today was extra hard. I felt homesick and lonely and, of course, ultra-fat and disgusting. I still need to wear special working clothes, not my old, prior-to-pregnancy clothes which were made for me one day. How awful is that? And I need to ask for those non-personalized clothes, and every time it is like:
"Yeah, I know, I am still too fat to fit in my own clothes, could you please give me some baggy ones made to fit every woman working here? Thank you, how very kind. No, I don´t think that I can wear my own clothes the next month, I will have to come back..."
I read some of my old posts yesterday, and I found out how I used to eat, or not-eat during these long shifts 2 years ago. Maybe I should try this again, but I am afraid I am not strong enough yet to stick to those habits.... This seemed to be easy, and I was determined and strong an so cool about it...Was that really me? I cannot remember being such a person. I am reading the blog and it could be the one from a woman I never met. Did I actually have a day with 350 cals? And why do I not remember being strong an successful in restriciting, but failing and feeling miserable is very clear in my mind.... Seems like a bad choice...
And I did running on a regular basis....
ME????
Man, I was so cool! No wonder I could buy these lovely skinny clothes and look acceptable in them....No wonder I do not fit in them right now.
Right now, so many people tell me that I will never look or feel like I did before the pregnancy... Yeah, thank you ladies....
The question is:
Is this the excuse of a whole generation of women, or is it just not possible to return because of metabolic changes and schedules?
So there it is:
My ultimate post-pregnancy-challenge for myself:
- From now on I will try everything in my power to return to my prior-to-pregnancy weight and looks.
- I will carry on with that until I reach my prior-to-pregnancy weight.
- The challenge will stop if I should get pregnant again... (who knows?)
- The challenge will be regarded as failed if I should not get my prior-to-pregnancy weight within a year.
- If the challenge is a success, I will reward myself with a shopping trip to a nearby city (right now, the budget is ultra-low, and shopping would be a huge reward...)
And here it is, out in the web, forever or something close to that.
Anybody with me?
Tomorrow will not be a protein day, I tried this today and failed miserably, at home, this is not an option right now. I will try to have only liquids during the day and a low cal dinner with the hubby, meaning I have to go grocery shopping, and I really have to go without him, he always buys the really bad things.... and I am never able to say no.... I am much too weak, this has to end here.
4/30/2013
Delayed rise
After the really brutal evening with my parents, THE SCALE did not go up.
Plateau, 135.
Then I did relatively good yesterday, and THE SCALE went up.
135.6.
Yeah, thank you.
Although I sticked to the plan I made in advance.
Today, I did good, I guess: Protein and vegetables day,
morning latte
pancake thingy
joghurt over the day
mini-salad for dinner
680 cals over the day, 4-digit-deficit.
Of course, this should do it. But I can swear, it will not.
Tomorrow, THE SCALE will get up, I can already feel it, and with the loser-slob-stupid-lowlife-bitchy feeling, I have to start a 24h-shift again.
But still, the key to success is persistency:
Tomorrow will be a protein day,
Morning latte
pancake thingy
2x joghurt over the day
omelette thingy
tuna
approx. 700 cals and long working hours, maybe no sleep.
About half an hour ago, a friend of mine was rushed to the hospital, she is early pregnant and had strong abdominal pain. Luckily, they found no problems with the pregnancy, and she will be able to leave tomorrow morning. For a very short and intense moment, I saw my life clearly again: I got a beautiful child, a nice husband, a steady job, and all I can do all day long is thinking about weight, cals and food intake.
WTF?
The next moment, it was gone.
Whatever...
Plateau, 135.
Then I did relatively good yesterday, and THE SCALE went up.
135.6.
Yeah, thank you.
Although I sticked to the plan I made in advance.
Today, I did good, I guess: Protein and vegetables day,
morning latte
pancake thingy
joghurt over the day
mini-salad for dinner
680 cals over the day, 4-digit-deficit.
Of course, this should do it. But I can swear, it will not.
Tomorrow, THE SCALE will get up, I can already feel it, and with the loser-slob-stupid-lowlife-bitchy feeling, I have to start a 24h-shift again.
But still, the key to success is persistency:
Tomorrow will be a protein day,
Morning latte
pancake thingy
2x joghurt over the day
omelette thingy
tuna
approx. 700 cals and long working hours, maybe no sleep.
About half an hour ago, a friend of mine was rushed to the hospital, she is early pregnant and had strong abdominal pain. Luckily, they found no problems with the pregnancy, and she will be able to leave tomorrow morning. For a very short and intense moment, I saw my life clearly again: I got a beautiful child, a nice husband, a steady job, and all I can do all day long is thinking about weight, cals and food intake.
WTF?
The next moment, it was gone.
Whatever...
4/28/2013
Well then...
.... I did good.
135 this morning...
(little grin)
Could it be? The right mood or something?
I lost a pound, and all day, I suddenly felt so skinny. Obviously, I do not fit in 85% of my clothes right now, but those I do fit in are really loose....
Yeah, I know, I am not, but it feels great.
And I am trying something new:
I am doing my food planning in advance, meaning I just made a plan for tomorrow, what to eat at what time. I hope that I am not thinking about food all the time if this is just not an option.
To lose the first 15 pounds (!!!) of baby fat, I did this french thing, the Dukan diet thing. It worked fine for some time, but now I need to step up. Anyway, I keep the protein monday. Tomorrow will be the day, and I already made following plan:
- Morning latte (this will never change)
- "Protein-pancake" for breatfast (200cals, but it makes you really full)
- some quark at dinner time (150 cals)
- an egg when I come home (100cals)
- different cake (I really have no name for that, just starch and an egg) and tuna (250cals)
This leaves me with a cal deficit of approx. 1000 cals, and there were mainly proteins involved. This should make me lose some weight in one day.
Sad but true: Today my parents were in town and I still have to pretend and to play nice and so on, the relationship with them will never feel normal, and I did relatively good foodwise, but I had way too much red wine.
I just calculated this day, I had approx. 1100 cals....damn it...
I will see tomorrow morning...
135 this morning...
(little grin)
Could it be? The right mood or something?
I lost a pound, and all day, I suddenly felt so skinny. Obviously, I do not fit in 85% of my clothes right now, but those I do fit in are really loose....
Yeah, I know, I am not, but it feels great.
And I am trying something new:
I am doing my food planning in advance, meaning I just made a plan for tomorrow, what to eat at what time. I hope that I am not thinking about food all the time if this is just not an option.
To lose the first 15 pounds (!!!) of baby fat, I did this french thing, the Dukan diet thing. It worked fine for some time, but now I need to step up. Anyway, I keep the protein monday. Tomorrow will be the day, and I already made following plan:
- Morning latte (this will never change)
- "Protein-pancake" for breatfast (200cals, but it makes you really full)
- some quark at dinner time (150 cals)
- an egg when I come home (100cals)
- different cake (I really have no name for that, just starch and an egg) and tuna (250cals)
This leaves me with a cal deficit of approx. 1000 cals, and there were mainly proteins involved. This should make me lose some weight in one day.
Sad but true: Today my parents were in town and I still have to pretend and to play nice and so on, the relationship with them will never feel normal, and I did relatively good foodwise, but I had way too much red wine.
I just calculated this day, I had approx. 1100 cals....damn it...
I will see tomorrow morning...
4/27/2013
Separated
So I am back.
Yesterday I virtually "met" a person who really inspired me, triggered me, comforted me, and gave me the felling of not being alone in the world, even in a very special situation. Until that moment, I felt totally alone.
So this is why I am re-opening this blog, whatever this means.
I am re-opening the fight against all the fat clinging to my sides and hiding my true shape.
I am re-opening a secret world no one who knows me in real life will ever know, and no one will ever think of me to have...
I am a little bit sad that I need to come back here, and I am thrilled and excited the same time. I am happy, really happy.
To complete the gap:
I gave birth to the most beatiful, perfect, and beloved little boy in the world. He is my heart, my soul, my life, my destiny. I will never regret a single moment with him, I will never regret the pregnancy, and all the meals I had. I had a real life, I ate like a normal pregnant woman, I ate healthy and well the whole time. And this was the way I wanted it to be.
But despite some things you may read in books and newspaper: Not every woman loses her weight by breastfeeding. I did not.
And now, after some time, the "old me" re-appears, and the old me is crying in pain.
A'nd this is why I am back.
I want to be myself again.
I want to look like I did before I got the perfect gift.
And I guess it is of highest importance for me to seperate my little boy from this world. He is too perfect so know about his mother not being like this at all.
So this is why I will not talk about him anymore. Not because I do not love him, but because I do.
This is my struggle, my dark side, my true self maybe.
I will be pretty again, fragile I hope, and strong.
Today I had too much red wine, to make me dare to write this, and too much little "tries" of the muffins I made for a friend of mine. This is why I had about 1000 cals. Way too much.
I will step on the SCALE anyway, and I will post. This morning, I was a 136.
Fat mama....
Yesterday I virtually "met" a person who really inspired me, triggered me, comforted me, and gave me the felling of not being alone in the world, even in a very special situation. Until that moment, I felt totally alone.
So this is why I am re-opening this blog, whatever this means.
I am re-opening the fight against all the fat clinging to my sides and hiding my true shape.
I am re-opening a secret world no one who knows me in real life will ever know, and no one will ever think of me to have...
I am a little bit sad that I need to come back here, and I am thrilled and excited the same time. I am happy, really happy.
To complete the gap:
I gave birth to the most beatiful, perfect, and beloved little boy in the world. He is my heart, my soul, my life, my destiny. I will never regret a single moment with him, I will never regret the pregnancy, and all the meals I had. I had a real life, I ate like a normal pregnant woman, I ate healthy and well the whole time. And this was the way I wanted it to be.
But despite some things you may read in books and newspaper: Not every woman loses her weight by breastfeeding. I did not.
And now, after some time, the "old me" re-appears, and the old me is crying in pain.
A'nd this is why I am back.
I want to be myself again.
I want to look like I did before I got the perfect gift.
And I guess it is of highest importance for me to seperate my little boy from this world. He is too perfect so know about his mother not being like this at all.
So this is why I will not talk about him anymore. Not because I do not love him, but because I do.
This is my struggle, my dark side, my true self maybe.
I will be pretty again, fragile I hope, and strong.
Today I had too much red wine, to make me dare to write this, and too much little "tries" of the muffins I made for a friend of mine. This is why I had about 1000 cals. Way too much.
I will step on the SCALE anyway, and I will post. This morning, I was a 136.
Fat mama....
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