I know that I haven´t been around a few days, but the truth is:
Nothing has changed, especially the weight, in fact I am getting havier again, 135.4 this morning.
At first, I was shocked and despondent and hurt myself very badly (still some blue marks all over the belly, but who cares?), but after some time I realized:
I AM FOOLING MYSELF BIGTIME!!!
I have low cal meals, I am drinking my coffee with skimmed milk, I am having one meal per day, everything seems super, having the right pace and direction, but there are these secret things I didn´t even notice:
A piece of cheese here
a piece of chocolate there
(you don´t have to count that, it is tiny, forget about it..)
some nuts from the kitchen
(they will be bad in a few days...)
some sweets (so tiny...)
Come on!!!!! Like I would be new to this!!!!
I hate myself.
I really do.
I would laugh about myself if it would not be so sad...
Anyway, today:
1 latte in the morning
3 more coffee with little milk
1 piece of cheese
I don´t have dinner plans yet, we will see what vegetables will be in the store today... maybe the last asparagus of the year? I love it, low cal and eliminating water...
This is making me so mad....
6/25/2013
6/09/2013
Trigger
This immense trigger from friday night worked fine.
133.6 this morning, not great, but OK,
and very little intake today.
No dinner.
But life does not like me right now. No one does. My friend doesn´t like me. My body doesn´t like me, and since today, my hubby doesn´t like me, too.
Told me that I am a danger to my little boy, because I am too selfish to take care of him the right way.
He drank water out of the cat dish, and I really got upset, and since I was on the phone and preparing dinner the same time, I yelled to him, sitting NEXT TO THE DAMN CATDISH, to put the little man in the bathtub. he got angry, there was something stupid on the TV, so I had to do it myself. When I came back from the bathroom, I put the baby on the floor to talk to hubby about not helping me out, and the little one got hold of a cable and some stuff fell down from a table, without hurting him. And this made my hubby think and say that I am the worst mother, I never take good care of the baby, and I should stop tell other people what to do with him, the only time in his life he is in real danger is when he is with me.
There are so many things I could add to this now, I could find so many ways to explain why I am stressed and tired and sometimes doing too many things the same time, and there are so many things hubby could do to help me out, but in the end, it does not matter. He has so many things he does not like about me, and now, the only thing I thought he could not take down, he took down today. Now, there is nothing left.
I simply suck at everything, in his eyes.
And when he yelles at me, he tells me that I am so annoying that there is no other way to talk to me.
I feel so bad right now, there has to be found a new word for that. My little boy is the only thing connected to me that is perfect. And from now on, I will always ask myself if I am a danger to him.
Thank you world for taking the last belief in myself from me.
133.6 this morning, not great, but OK,
and very little intake today.
No dinner.
But life does not like me right now. No one does. My friend doesn´t like me. My body doesn´t like me, and since today, my hubby doesn´t like me, too.
Told me that I am a danger to my little boy, because I am too selfish to take care of him the right way.
He drank water out of the cat dish, and I really got upset, and since I was on the phone and preparing dinner the same time, I yelled to him, sitting NEXT TO THE DAMN CATDISH, to put the little man in the bathtub. he got angry, there was something stupid on the TV, so I had to do it myself. When I came back from the bathroom, I put the baby on the floor to talk to hubby about not helping me out, and the little one got hold of a cable and some stuff fell down from a table, without hurting him. And this made my hubby think and say that I am the worst mother, I never take good care of the baby, and I should stop tell other people what to do with him, the only time in his life he is in real danger is when he is with me.
There are so many things I could add to this now, I could find so many ways to explain why I am stressed and tired and sometimes doing too many things the same time, and there are so many things hubby could do to help me out, but in the end, it does not matter. He has so many things he does not like about me, and now, the only thing I thought he could not take down, he took down today. Now, there is nothing left.
I simply suck at everything, in his eyes.
And when he yelles at me, he tells me that I am so annoying that there is no other way to talk to me.
I feel so bad right now, there has to be found a new word for that. My little boy is the only thing connected to me that is perfect. And from now on, I will always ask myself if I am a danger to him.
Thank you world for taking the last belief in myself from me.
6/08/2013
Skinny Chick
I had a nice day yesterday, up to a certain point.
THE SCALE loved me for once, I had a nice and easy 132.4, and I suddenly felt so skinny and light and whatever.
I had planned a girls night out with an old friend of mine, and I knew that we would have dinner together, and I was like: Well, whatever, right now, I am on such a good way, it will be fine.
The evening was nice, warm weather, dinner outside, hubby taking care of the baby, good food and no bad feelings while I was eating, that was completely new to me.
So nice.
And then she dropped it:
"You have changed for the better since you are a mom."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you are not so skinny anymore, you always looked like a skinny chick. You are much better now."
...
...
I smiled.
I thought: Well, I already know that I am fat, so what´s the surprise anyway.
But I woke up with this sentence in my head.
And THE SCALE showed me a 135,4.
I am sure you can imagine how I am feeling today.
The most important fact in this story is: She knows about my food issues. She is the only person in the world who knows about it. Why did she do this to me? She is one of my best friends, and she does not like me enough to be polite and not to trigger me?
What does she want from me, see me fading away and telling everybody: I know what her problem is, but I tried everything, I cannot help her???
So here I am, old and fat and a bad mother, and no one likes me enough not to hurt me.
I wish I would be a better person, more intersting, more caring, with more things to love, and with less fat hanging on my bones. Wrinkles are bad enough.
I will show her.
I will show everybody.
Her, my mother in law, my mother, my husband, my colleagues.
Right now, I hate them all.
THE SCALE loved me for once, I had a nice and easy 132.4, and I suddenly felt so skinny and light and whatever.
I had planned a girls night out with an old friend of mine, and I knew that we would have dinner together, and I was like: Well, whatever, right now, I am on such a good way, it will be fine.
The evening was nice, warm weather, dinner outside, hubby taking care of the baby, good food and no bad feelings while I was eating, that was completely new to me.
So nice.
And then she dropped it:
"You have changed for the better since you are a mom."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you are not so skinny anymore, you always looked like a skinny chick. You are much better now."
...
...
I smiled.
I thought: Well, I already know that I am fat, so what´s the surprise anyway.
But I woke up with this sentence in my head.
And THE SCALE showed me a 135,4.
I am sure you can imagine how I am feeling today.
The most important fact in this story is: She knows about my food issues. She is the only person in the world who knows about it. Why did she do this to me? She is one of my best friends, and she does not like me enough to be polite and not to trigger me?
What does she want from me, see me fading away and telling everybody: I know what her problem is, but I tried everything, I cannot help her???
So here I am, old and fat and a bad mother, and no one likes me enough not to hurt me.
I wish I would be a better person, more intersting, more caring, with more things to love, and with less fat hanging on my bones. Wrinkles are bad enough.
I will show her.
I will show everybody.
Her, my mother in law, my mother, my husband, my colleagues.
Right now, I hate them all.
6/03/2013
24-2 (Thoughts of a tired one)
Not much to tell about the second shift.
Food-wise, I did relatively good. I had no solid food at all, but the offices were full of sweets and I think I took some too much. But my belly feels Ok this morning, I will step on THE SCALE tomorrow morning and tell you.
I kinda lost my heart last night when someone told me the story of one of my clients. It was so sad and brutal and unfair, I thought about it the rest of the night and first thing in the morning:
A couple doing drugs together, having a child together, betraying the world and the trust of their littel boy together, and one night, in a drug rush and nightmare, the man left his little boy burning in the flames of a barbecue and simply went away. Later, the police found the little dead body. Now both are in a mental hospital and hopefully stay there forever.
I called home immediately to check if everything was OK there.
And ever since, I ask myself, why I cannot be more grateful for what I have instead of wining because of my ruined body. One day, I will die anyway. Why is it so important to me how I look on the outside? Why do I not feel good just because there are higher numbers on THE SCALE? I am an intelligent woman, why can´t I find another source of self-worth than the size of my clothes?
But still I cannot change.
And I get worse. In the last few weeks and months, I realized how much older I am looking now. There are wrinkles around my eyes, I know that they are related to smiling, but who gives a ..... about that? I don´t want them. And I am looking so tired, even exhausted. Well, having a little baby and working 60 to 80 hours a week plus 24h shifts does not help. And I guess there is no make-up in the world which can cover that.
And most of the time, I think:
Well, if you look this old and fainted and sick, you should at least be skinny enough. And you can never be skinny enough.
And sometimes I am so scared, because I am kinda happy right now, family-wise and life-wise, and it can only get worse, right? My food, my weight, my looks, they are things that truly and deeply depend on my ability to control myself. My ability to check numbers and movements and to fight the hunger. And what is hunger, anyway? A little pain in the belly compared to the feeling of inner strength and control? Why am I wining about that? A bad day, a high number, maybe a littel self-hatred, why do I constantly pity myself?
I guess I am just weak right now, and I have to get my strength back. And if I am strong again, I just walk on, I restrict, I lose, I fight, and in the end I can feel good again, as a mother, and as a woman, and as a person with some issues...
I will get up now, I will take my own challenge, I will keep busy and will not eat until hubby gets home from work. And I will prepare a low cal dinner for both of us, so that there is no way for him to get fast food again.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
And I will do everything as close to perfect as I can, ending up in being thin, strong and powerful again. I will be me again.
Food-wise, I did relatively good. I had no solid food at all, but the offices were full of sweets and I think I took some too much. But my belly feels Ok this morning, I will step on THE SCALE tomorrow morning and tell you.
I kinda lost my heart last night when someone told me the story of one of my clients. It was so sad and brutal and unfair, I thought about it the rest of the night and first thing in the morning:
A couple doing drugs together, having a child together, betraying the world and the trust of their littel boy together, and one night, in a drug rush and nightmare, the man left his little boy burning in the flames of a barbecue and simply went away. Later, the police found the little dead body. Now both are in a mental hospital and hopefully stay there forever.
I called home immediately to check if everything was OK there.
And ever since, I ask myself, why I cannot be more grateful for what I have instead of wining because of my ruined body. One day, I will die anyway. Why is it so important to me how I look on the outside? Why do I not feel good just because there are higher numbers on THE SCALE? I am an intelligent woman, why can´t I find another source of self-worth than the size of my clothes?
But still I cannot change.
And I get worse. In the last few weeks and months, I realized how much older I am looking now. There are wrinkles around my eyes, I know that they are related to smiling, but who gives a ..... about that? I don´t want them. And I am looking so tired, even exhausted. Well, having a little baby and working 60 to 80 hours a week plus 24h shifts does not help. And I guess there is no make-up in the world which can cover that.
And most of the time, I think:
Well, if you look this old and fainted and sick, you should at least be skinny enough. And you can never be skinny enough.
And sometimes I am so scared, because I am kinda happy right now, family-wise and life-wise, and it can only get worse, right? My food, my weight, my looks, they are things that truly and deeply depend on my ability to control myself. My ability to check numbers and movements and to fight the hunger. And what is hunger, anyway? A little pain in the belly compared to the feeling of inner strength and control? Why am I wining about that? A bad day, a high number, maybe a littel self-hatred, why do I constantly pity myself?
I guess I am just weak right now, and I have to get my strength back. And if I am strong again, I just walk on, I restrict, I lose, I fight, and in the end I can feel good again, as a mother, and as a woman, and as a person with some issues...
I will get up now, I will take my own challenge, I will keep busy and will not eat until hubby gets home from work. And I will prepare a low cal dinner for both of us, so that there is no way for him to get fast food again.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
I will not pity myself anymore.
And I will do everything as close to perfect as I can, ending up in being thin, strong and powerful again. I will be me again.
5/31/2013
24-1
Today was actually a nice working day.
Right now, I think I can go to bed and get some hours of sleep getting paid all the time.
Usually, I am running around the whole night, so I am not emberassed by getting paid for sleeping.
Food wise, I screwed up a little, but not too much.
I had the soy milk and no breakfast and no oat bran (forgot it at home), lots of coffee with skimmed mild, but in the evening I had a sandwich, which is really bad.
I think I am not getting the 4DD, but still a remarkable deficit, and no weight gain besides the water retention which comes with the long hours.
I am still at 134 today, and this plateau feels fine for me, since I had such a hard time getting to the 134 in the first place. I think next week I will lose a little again, but not much earlier.
Tomorrow, it will be in-between 24h shifts, and I will not prepare dinner for myself and the hubby, too lazy, and he will bring something on the way home, meaning fast food, empty cals and bad fat.
I will try to level it down with the fat blockers and carb blockers, but I am not sure they even do anything. I am only taking them afer "bad meals", not all the time, and I can not notice the slightest change. Maybe they are just money spent on the wrong thing, but it makes me feel better after eating a "normal" meal, and maybe that´s worth the money.
Anyway, this will be the plan:
No breakfast
2 or 3 lattes (150)
oat bran with some milk (100)
dinner with the hubby with lots of blocker capsules
I will decide which food I want tomorrow evening, this can be something like a Marilyn Meal ( I used to have Marilyn Days, but right now I am in no condition to have a whole day), maybe some bread with cheese and a few french fries and some salad? I don´t know yet, maybe I will ask THE SCALE in the morning and decide afterwards. But no frustration-choice! No can do!
Sitting here, in my office, in the middle of the night, thinking about food and cals and dinner plans and fat hanging on my body, I feel like I did a long time ago, when my little boy was just a dream, and my hubby and me were all I thought about and felt for. I miss myself sometimes. I am losing my old self. but I have to admit, the new MC is much "lighter" in spirit, and unfortunately, much "havier" physically.
Right now, I think I can go to bed and get some hours of sleep getting paid all the time.
Usually, I am running around the whole night, so I am not emberassed by getting paid for sleeping.
Food wise, I screwed up a little, but not too much.
I had the soy milk and no breakfast and no oat bran (forgot it at home), lots of coffee with skimmed mild, but in the evening I had a sandwich, which is really bad.
I think I am not getting the 4DD, but still a remarkable deficit, and no weight gain besides the water retention which comes with the long hours.
I am still at 134 today, and this plateau feels fine for me, since I had such a hard time getting to the 134 in the first place. I think next week I will lose a little again, but not much earlier.
Tomorrow, it will be in-between 24h shifts, and I will not prepare dinner for myself and the hubby, too lazy, and he will bring something on the way home, meaning fast food, empty cals and bad fat.
I will try to level it down with the fat blockers and carb blockers, but I am not sure they even do anything. I am only taking them afer "bad meals", not all the time, and I can not notice the slightest change. Maybe they are just money spent on the wrong thing, but it makes me feel better after eating a "normal" meal, and maybe that´s worth the money.
Anyway, this will be the plan:
No breakfast
2 or 3 lattes (150)
oat bran with some milk (100)
dinner with the hubby with lots of blocker capsules
I will decide which food I want tomorrow evening, this can be something like a Marilyn Meal ( I used to have Marilyn Days, but right now I am in no condition to have a whole day), maybe some bread with cheese and a few french fries and some salad? I don´t know yet, maybe I will ask THE SCALE in the morning and decide afterwards. But no frustration-choice! No can do!
Sitting here, in my office, in the middle of the night, thinking about food and cals and dinner plans and fat hanging on my body, I feel like I did a long time ago, when my little boy was just a dream, and my hubby and me were all I thought about and felt for. I miss myself sometimes. I am losing my old self. but I have to admit, the new MC is much "lighter" in spirit, and unfortunately, much "havier" physically.
5/30/2013
Working madness
Tomorrow will start the working madness:
6 days, 3x 24h shifts.
It will be extremely hard, but there is nothing I can do about it, and it is a real chance for me:
Being at work = liquid days = weight loss!
Hopefully.
My hubby asked me today if it is really a good idea to work so hard and not eat solid food (he simply guessed, but he was right), I did not answer. After a few minutes he said: Well, with me at home, it is really hard for you to lose weight...
:-)
Yes, he is right. He always buys the bad food, and feeds it to me, and after a few suggestions every night, I simply give in. Mostly it´s ice cream and potatoe crisps, and both are really bad: Tasty, but without any nutritional value and really, really hard to get rid of.
Anyway, I did good today,
no breakfast
some oat bran for the BM
some latte over the day
asparagus and potatoes for dinner (I know, the potatoes are bad, but in addition to the asparagus, it is still a low cal dinner)
over all, there´s the 4 digit deficit I want to acchieve...
By the way, 2 weeks from now, I will return to the maternity leave, and of course it will be hard with the money not earned by me and the new house and everything, but it will give me the chance to spend much time with my little angle and:
I will be able to do sports!!!!
I bought a treadmill and a crosstrainer some time ago, and there is the yoga I miss so badly.
I will make a sports plan for myself, I am not sure how much time I will take for myself, but it will be great, I am really looking forward to it.
I never thought that I would ever miss sports....
:-)
Wish me luck on my bad working hours, I need some time to unwind and think life through, this sounds really grave, it is a good thing, not a bad thing.
6 days, 3x 24h shifts.
It will be extremely hard, but there is nothing I can do about it, and it is a real chance for me:
Being at work = liquid days = weight loss!
Hopefully.
My hubby asked me today if it is really a good idea to work so hard and not eat solid food (he simply guessed, but he was right), I did not answer. After a few minutes he said: Well, with me at home, it is really hard for you to lose weight...
:-)
Yes, he is right. He always buys the bad food, and feeds it to me, and after a few suggestions every night, I simply give in. Mostly it´s ice cream and potatoe crisps, and both are really bad: Tasty, but without any nutritional value and really, really hard to get rid of.
Anyway, I did good today,
no breakfast
some oat bran for the BM
some latte over the day
asparagus and potatoes for dinner (I know, the potatoes are bad, but in addition to the asparagus, it is still a low cal dinner)
over all, there´s the 4 digit deficit I want to acchieve...
By the way, 2 weeks from now, I will return to the maternity leave, and of course it will be hard with the money not earned by me and the new house and everything, but it will give me the chance to spend much time with my little angle and:
I will be able to do sports!!!!
I bought a treadmill and a crosstrainer some time ago, and there is the yoga I miss so badly.
I will make a sports plan for myself, I am not sure how much time I will take for myself, but it will be great, I am really looking forward to it.
I never thought that I would ever miss sports....
:-)
Wish me luck on my bad working hours, I need some time to unwind and think life through, this sounds really grave, it is a good thing, not a bad thing.
5/29/2013
Lost again
Got some pretty wild days, no time to blog, no time to relax, unwind.
Huge fight with the husband, the usual tasks, housework, taking care of the child, going to work, who does more, who does less, who is the lazy ass (me, of course).
Lots of work to do, running, around, making decisions in the blink of an eye and wonder for hours if there could have been another way.
And the f*** SCALE, sticking to the same numbers as the day before, and the day before, and so on. I needed more than three weeks for 2 pounds. What the hell?
But you know, I am used to fighting, to being strong even though there is no strength left deep inside. And I still stick to my challenge, I will lose it,somehow.
So today, I had 2 latte (100)
somel broth (10)
a piece of toast (70)
fish (150)
vegetables (150)
some joghurt for dessert (100)
I should be good today... no alcohol, sad but true, and no chocolate, although I would kill for it.
Tomorrow I will try not to have cake at my in-laws, and try to have some vegetables for dinner and nothing more. No breakfast, but some lattes, I really need them for my balance.
This morning, THE SCALE said 134.0, and since I saw a 133.x 2 days in a row before, I think I can make a check mark on the 134. This could be a good thing, but I really find it pathetic to celebrate such a high number after once celebrating 13lbs less.
Huge fight with the husband, the usual tasks, housework, taking care of the child, going to work, who does more, who does less, who is the lazy ass (me, of course).
Lots of work to do, running, around, making decisions in the blink of an eye and wonder for hours if there could have been another way.
And the f*** SCALE, sticking to the same numbers as the day before, and the day before, and so on. I needed more than three weeks for 2 pounds. What the hell?
But you know, I am used to fighting, to being strong even though there is no strength left deep inside. And I still stick to my challenge, I will lose it,somehow.
So today, I had 2 latte (100)
somel broth (10)
a piece of toast (70)
fish (150)
vegetables (150)
some joghurt for dessert (100)
I should be good today... no alcohol, sad but true, and no chocolate, although I would kill for it.
Tomorrow I will try not to have cake at my in-laws, and try to have some vegetables for dinner and nothing more. No breakfast, but some lattes, I really need them for my balance.
This morning, THE SCALE said 134.0, and since I saw a 133.x 2 days in a row before, I think I can make a check mark on the 134. This could be a good thing, but I really find it pathetic to celebrate such a high number after once celebrating 13lbs less.
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