I am addicted to fairy lights.
I truely am.
And now is my season.
So I spent a significant amount of time during the last 2 days searching for power outlets and adhesive tape. There will be lights in every window.
I got everything: Stars, x-mas-trees, more stars, snow-balls, icicles, more stars...
:-)
I don´t like x-mas, but I like the lights.
This morning, like I expected, the sclae went up. Yup. I am no longer despondent, I am used to it by now. And I am used to the fact that I am restricting for a month now and have lost something like 4 pounds. This is brutal. I don´t really know what to do, but I am giving in. I am still hoping for a dramatic change next weekend and me magically reaching my first goal to the point of the exam, but this would mean to lose 3 more pounds in 10 days, and I am obviously not able to make this.
To be fair to myself, I am not doing any sports right now, I am sitting at my desk most of the time. You cannot lose weight by reading.... I guess.... OK, you can lose weight but very, very, oh so very slowly....
I have to deal with it, I guess, and here´s the plan:
- Not ripping my hair out every morning, no crying, no despondence.
- I am restriction, restriction is a part of me.
- Sports asap/aka after the exam
- Learning, learning, learning
- Being nice to my man once in a while
- Not thinking about the holidays when I will not be able to do any restriction or sports at all. (I have to find a way to survive that. I cannot go back to where I started just because other people want to celebrate something I am not interested in...)
- How about a fast after x-mas? Anybody interested?
11/30/2009
11/29/2009
Super Slim Me
I watched this documentary (kind of) yesterday from a british journalist who tried to reach size zero in about 2 or 3 months by severe restraining and fitness coaches.
In general, I am not really a fan of experiments like that, I think it can give people the wrong impression about food intake, diets, being thin and everything that is linked to it. And I like the idea of showing the world that having an BMI under 18 might not be healthy and that fashion show models are really no role models for the common girl or woman. But nevertheless we are already spoiled and get sick by the idea that a really fat lady could be a beauty queen.
Anyway, one thing really got to me:
At the end of her experiment, she got really depressed, her social life desintegrated, she punished herfelf for one day of not following the plan, and at the end she really felt bad about herself. At the beginning, she kinda liked her figure, and she only wanted to make a point to the world, not to herself.
And I was wondering:
These feelings of depression, of loneliness, of self hatred and last but not least having a fat ungly and disgusting body, does this really belong to the ED or does it just come with the restricion? Was it first or did it follow?
Everytime we read or see the story of an ED person, she is always depressed, lonely, hates herself, but we never know how she felt at the beginning. If you are not labeled "sick" in any way, noone cares about your feelings, noone askes you how you actually are. The minute you fail to function in society, that´s when people start to ask.
We seek control in our lifes, but are we miserable from the beginning?
Sorry, I am rambling, but I am just wondering...
Food-wise, I had a great saturday. I stayed under 400 cals and had no beer or anything to spoil this. Today, I am still on coffee and no food, but I think I will have dinner.
THE SCALE showed me a nice 123,6 as I reached before the re-feeding last week. Maybe I can stick to this?
There will be my exam in the second week of december, I really want to be under my first goal weight then, I am hoping for this to give me some additional security.... Whatever...
In the pre-x-mas-period, people tend to get depressed and feel empty or something, I hope you all don´t feel this way, and if you do, just contact me, if I can be of any service....
In general, I am not really a fan of experiments like that, I think it can give people the wrong impression about food intake, diets, being thin and everything that is linked to it. And I like the idea of showing the world that having an BMI under 18 might not be healthy and that fashion show models are really no role models for the common girl or woman. But nevertheless we are already spoiled and get sick by the idea that a really fat lady could be a beauty queen.
Anyway, one thing really got to me:
At the end of her experiment, she got really depressed, her social life desintegrated, she punished herfelf for one day of not following the plan, and at the end she really felt bad about herself. At the beginning, she kinda liked her figure, and she only wanted to make a point to the world, not to herself.
And I was wondering:
These feelings of depression, of loneliness, of self hatred and last but not least having a fat ungly and disgusting body, does this really belong to the ED or does it just come with the restricion? Was it first or did it follow?
Everytime we read or see the story of an ED person, she is always depressed, lonely, hates herself, but we never know how she felt at the beginning. If you are not labeled "sick" in any way, noone cares about your feelings, noone askes you how you actually are. The minute you fail to function in society, that´s when people start to ask.
We seek control in our lifes, but are we miserable from the beginning?
Sorry, I am rambling, but I am just wondering...
Food-wise, I had a great saturday. I stayed under 400 cals and had no beer or anything to spoil this. Today, I am still on coffee and no food, but I think I will have dinner.
THE SCALE showed me a nice 123,6 as I reached before the re-feeding last week. Maybe I can stick to this?
There will be my exam in the second week of december, I really want to be under my first goal weight then, I am hoping for this to give me some additional security.... Whatever...
In the pre-x-mas-period, people tend to get depressed and feel empty or something, I hope you all don´t feel this way, and if you do, just contact me, if I can be of any service....
11/27/2009
Hard work and food
I had a very bad 24h shift. I was running and stressing till 2 am, could get 3.5h of sleep and had to get up again. I did qute well until 10pm, but when I realized that there will be little to no sleep, I just lost it.
I had bread, pizza, french fries.... According to my calorie calculation programm, there were 900 calories I stuffed into my face yesterday....
Damn it...
I am paying the price today: My belly is aching, it sticks out as being 5 months pregnant, and I am not even daring to step near THE SCALE. Due to the hard day I had on monday (the L-effect) I had no BM the rest of the week, and now I am suffering big time. But I will live throught it: If I can eat like a pig, I have to suffer. Period.
What is going on with me? Every week, I know that the scale will climb up until dropping after a few days, I know it, but I get depressed and de-motivated every time. This week, I could stick to if for 3 days until it got me down, I guess I am getting stronger, but it´s just so hard to stick to everything.
Last night, one of my collegues gave me some fish and a piece of bread. His wife is making these breads with special toppings every day, and they are just perfect. After he offered it to me, I sat there, staring at the bread, and suddenly my head just stopped existing and I sad yes.... Another collegue of me entered the room, he looked at me and asked the other one: Hey, how did you do that? I never got her to eat....congratulations, you have to tell me how you did that....
?!?
WTF...
I am just weak, a pig, a slob...
After the bread my head just said good night, went for a sleep, I had to carry on running around and to carry on eating....
Well, I deserve no better.
I thought about my goals the other day, I thought I would get near them...Ha, baby, well done ruining it all.
What good is it that there´s no dinner invitation today? At least I would have some fun.
To sum it up, I am weak, tired and my belly aches. I did not step on THE SCALE and I have no idea how to carry on. I have to learn for my exam, but I am too tired. The only hope I got right now is that I can return to the gym at the weekend, if I get up early enough to finish learning early enough (I have to drive half an hour to get to the gym).
Fuck, I am a fat slob and I do not deserve better.
I had bread, pizza, french fries.... According to my calorie calculation programm, there were 900 calories I stuffed into my face yesterday....
Damn it...
I am paying the price today: My belly is aching, it sticks out as being 5 months pregnant, and I am not even daring to step near THE SCALE. Due to the hard day I had on monday (the L-effect) I had no BM the rest of the week, and now I am suffering big time. But I will live throught it: If I can eat like a pig, I have to suffer. Period.
What is going on with me? Every week, I know that the scale will climb up until dropping after a few days, I know it, but I get depressed and de-motivated every time. This week, I could stick to if for 3 days until it got me down, I guess I am getting stronger, but it´s just so hard to stick to everything.
Last night, one of my collegues gave me some fish and a piece of bread. His wife is making these breads with special toppings every day, and they are just perfect. After he offered it to me, I sat there, staring at the bread, and suddenly my head just stopped existing and I sad yes.... Another collegue of me entered the room, he looked at me and asked the other one: Hey, how did you do that? I never got her to eat....congratulations, you have to tell me how you did that....
?!?
WTF...
I am just weak, a pig, a slob...
After the bread my head just said good night, went for a sleep, I had to carry on running around and to carry on eating....
Well, I deserve no better.
I thought about my goals the other day, I thought I would get near them...Ha, baby, well done ruining it all.
What good is it that there´s no dinner invitation today? At least I would have some fun.
To sum it up, I am weak, tired and my belly aches. I did not step on THE SCALE and I have no idea how to carry on. I have to learn for my exam, but I am too tired. The only hope I got right now is that I can return to the gym at the weekend, if I get up early enough to finish learning early enough (I have to drive half an hour to get to the gym).
Fuck, I am a fat slob and I do not deserve better.
11/26/2009
Indifferent
This morning, like in many other posts, THE SCALE went up.
Yeah, right, not that I am getting less than 500 cals a day and am not cheating.
Yeah right, not that I was really down some days ago and actually thought I could ever reach my goal weight...
Yeah, right.
But I am sticking to my mantra, I haven´t had any food so far today and am not planning to get any. I am on a 24h shift again, meaning I have to stay in, no restaurants, no BF to cook, no nothing. Maybe the other people will order food, but I feel so dissocial today, I don´t think I will join them. Leave me the hell alone.
Work sucks, body sucks, life sucks. I guess I just have to find some more work to do to kill the time and let this night pass by.
I am not hungry, by the way, just craving.
But: I am restriction... (maybe I should re-name this blog...)
Take good care, ladies, I hope you´re all doing better than me...
Yeah, right, not that I am getting less than 500 cals a day and am not cheating.
Yeah right, not that I was really down some days ago and actually thought I could ever reach my goal weight...
Yeah, right.
But I am sticking to my mantra, I haven´t had any food so far today and am not planning to get any. I am on a 24h shift again, meaning I have to stay in, no restaurants, no BF to cook, no nothing. Maybe the other people will order food, but I feel so dissocial today, I don´t think I will join them. Leave me the hell alone.
Work sucks, body sucks, life sucks. I guess I just have to find some more work to do to kill the time and let this night pass by.
I am not hungry, by the way, just craving.
But: I am restriction... (maybe I should re-name this blog...)
Take good care, ladies, I hope you´re all doing better than me...
11/25/2009
Mantra
Maybe we all try to solve the food-issues from the wrong end of the line of possibilities. In many blogs including my own we notice how much time a day we spent doing calculations, making plans, weigh ourselves and the food we have to eat, and make calculations again. We suffer, we have headaches, we can´t sleep right.
What if would try to see it from a different angle?
Yesterday, I was so angry with myself because I wanted to use chocolate and co. for coping mechanisms. But beautiful and caring "Quite peculiar" gave me an important hint:
If I know my coping mechanisms, I can deal with them.
Girl, you are so right! Thank you so much! :0)
When a similar situation occured today, I didn´t even think about chocolate. In fact, there was chocolate lying around with no one to guard it, I could have taken some pieces without anyone noticing it.....
But I did not!!!
I looked at it, I thought: Hm, chocolate with nuts in it, my favourite....Hm....no, thanks.
And it took me many hours to realize this! It came to me a few minutes ago! I forgot about it!
Well, here´s my idea:
If I stop regarding restriction as something hard, as something extraordinary, as something I have to do, maybe it could get easier.
What if I start telling myself: I am restricting. Every day. There have to be special days and special occasions when I am not restricting, but at every other ordinary day: I am restricting.
Period.
This is part of my life.
This is part of me.
Like going to work nearly every day.
Like getting up in the morning.
Like putting on make-up before leaving the house.
Like brushing my teeth.
It is just the way it is.
Maybe this could work... Maybe this could make a difference.
I will try it. I will make it my mantra:
I am restricition, restriction is a part of me. I am restriction, restriction is a part of me.
By the way, the day went pretty well, my calorie calculation program says the following:
Morning latte 100
Coffee and broth 25
corn 53
tomatoes 4
cheese (yeah, I know...) 60
bread 180 (very bad....carbs.....damn it.....)
420 cals today
THE SCALE went up this morning, I have no clue why, but I did pretty well the last few days, so eventually it will get down again. This morning, I was at 124,8.
I hope I can reach my first goal weight next week, and I am hoping for some more until x-mas.
I am restricition, restriction is a part of me. I am restriction, restriction is a part of me.
Oh, by the way: The dinner invitation on friday has been cancelled (not by me...)!!!!
What if would try to see it from a different angle?
Yesterday, I was so angry with myself because I wanted to use chocolate and co. for coping mechanisms. But beautiful and caring "Quite peculiar" gave me an important hint:
If I know my coping mechanisms, I can deal with them.
Girl, you are so right! Thank you so much! :0)
When a similar situation occured today, I didn´t even think about chocolate. In fact, there was chocolate lying around with no one to guard it, I could have taken some pieces without anyone noticing it.....
But I did not!!!
I looked at it, I thought: Hm, chocolate with nuts in it, my favourite....Hm....no, thanks.
And it took me many hours to realize this! It came to me a few minutes ago! I forgot about it!
Well, here´s my idea:
If I stop regarding restriction as something hard, as something extraordinary, as something I have to do, maybe it could get easier.
What if I start telling myself: I am restricting. Every day. There have to be special days and special occasions when I am not restricting, but at every other ordinary day: I am restricting.
Period.
This is part of my life.
This is part of me.
Like going to work nearly every day.
Like getting up in the morning.
Like putting on make-up before leaving the house.
Like brushing my teeth.
It is just the way it is.
Maybe this could work... Maybe this could make a difference.
I will try it. I will make it my mantra:
I am restricition, restriction is a part of me. I am restriction, restriction is a part of me.
By the way, the day went pretty well, my calorie calculation program says the following:
Morning latte 100
Coffee and broth 25
corn 53
tomatoes 4
cheese (yeah, I know...) 60
bread 180 (very bad....carbs.....damn it.....)
420 cals today
THE SCALE went up this morning, I have no clue why, but I did pretty well the last few days, so eventually it will get down again. This morning, I was at 124,8.
I hope I can reach my first goal weight next week, and I am hoping for some more until x-mas.
I am restricition, restriction is a part of me. I am restriction, restriction is a part of me.
Oh, by the way: The dinner invitation on friday has been cancelled (not by me...)!!!!
11/24/2009
Hard times
After last night´s "explosion", I could really stick to the dinner plans i had already made. My calorie calculator added up to 416, a combination of
coffee 120
broth (like 4 or something)
lots of tea
soya thingies (160)
and vegetables (red pepper, broccoli and kohlrabi)
I made dinner myself which allowed me to weigh everything and get an accurate calculation.
Today was slightly better (387 cals, no soya thingies but fish with 90cals per 100g), although I slipped once and had an additional cappucino (80cals).
Weight-wise i am slightly going down (124,4), but it´s not enough. I have to dicipline myself very hard right now, and i could really need a lower number. But that´s not exactly a new thing.
Today I got some very bad news, a person I know is very sick (cancer), had an operation and suffers from certain complications. It´s not someone I really know very well, but my boyfriend does, and since I care so much about him I also care about this person. It´s pathetic, but one of the first things I thought when I heard about this, was:
OK, this is very bad, this is a reason to have something to eat right now... Chocolate....Cake....anything.... that´s when I got the cappucino...I know, it could have been worse, but I am angry with myself. Something really bad happens and all I can think about is food, food, food. As if I am in search for an excuse to eat all of the time. I never knew I did that.
I hope for a strong day tomorrow, I will have many bad moments and I don´t want to use them to eat. I have to stick to the calorie number I got right now until friday, there will be a dinner party....And I have to find a way to still restrict on friday, maybe a new "sickness"... I think about cancelling it, but I am wondering: Should I start isolating myself for the sake of low numbers? I am not sure...
Last week I felt powerful, I can remember, today I am just weak. I am over the edge tired, and due to the refeeding on sunday I don´t think it is a symptom of restricting, I guess it´s more of a mental process. It just seems so stressing to think about not doing something all day long. Beginning at 10 in the morning I am waiting for the clock to reach 12 am when I can get some broth. Today I got myself a bottle of water, I don´t really like it, and I drank the whole thing just to trick my body into being full. It worked for about half an hour. By the way, I just don´t have enough time during my working day to excuse myself to the bathroom every 30 to 40 minutes...
:-)
OK, no way of giving up, here´s the deal for tomorrow:
- morning latte
- broth at noon
- lots of coffee with as little milk as possible during the morning
- Water and tea during the afternoon
- low-cal-dinner (about 300)
Should be around 500...
Wish me luck.
coffee 120
broth (like 4 or something)
lots of tea
soya thingies (160)
and vegetables (red pepper, broccoli and kohlrabi)
I made dinner myself which allowed me to weigh everything and get an accurate calculation.
Today was slightly better (387 cals, no soya thingies but fish with 90cals per 100g), although I slipped once and had an additional cappucino (80cals).
Weight-wise i am slightly going down (124,4), but it´s not enough. I have to dicipline myself very hard right now, and i could really need a lower number. But that´s not exactly a new thing.
Today I got some very bad news, a person I know is very sick (cancer), had an operation and suffers from certain complications. It´s not someone I really know very well, but my boyfriend does, and since I care so much about him I also care about this person. It´s pathetic, but one of the first things I thought when I heard about this, was:
OK, this is very bad, this is a reason to have something to eat right now... Chocolate....Cake....anything.... that´s when I got the cappucino...I know, it could have been worse, but I am angry with myself. Something really bad happens and all I can think about is food, food, food. As if I am in search for an excuse to eat all of the time. I never knew I did that.
I hope for a strong day tomorrow, I will have many bad moments and I don´t want to use them to eat. I have to stick to the calorie number I got right now until friday, there will be a dinner party....And I have to find a way to still restrict on friday, maybe a new "sickness"... I think about cancelling it, but I am wondering: Should I start isolating myself for the sake of low numbers? I am not sure...
Last week I felt powerful, I can remember, today I am just weak. I am over the edge tired, and due to the refeeding on sunday I don´t think it is a symptom of restricting, I guess it´s more of a mental process. It just seems so stressing to think about not doing something all day long. Beginning at 10 in the morning I am waiting for the clock to reach 12 am when I can get some broth. Today I got myself a bottle of water, I don´t really like it, and I drank the whole thing just to trick my body into being full. It worked for about half an hour. By the way, I just don´t have enough time during my working day to excuse myself to the bathroom every 30 to 40 minutes...
:-)
OK, no way of giving up, here´s the deal for tomorrow:
- morning latte
- broth at noon
- lots of coffee with as little milk as possible during the morning
- Water and tea during the afternoon
- low-cal-dinner (about 300)
Should be around 500...
Wish me luck.
11/23/2009
The L-Word
OMG, I don't know why I am doing this to myself. The L axatives....
I kinda took a high dosage....I am sick for about two hours now, and I need to run to the bathroom like every 15 minutes.... My body is aching, my intestines are clenching, sometimes there is even buzzing in my head, my stomach hurts as if there' too much acid, but it's also just a side effect of the colic like explosion.
But my belly is flat like I never ate a thing in my life...
Note to self: Stick to restricting!
I kinda took a high dosage....I am sick for about two hours now, and I need to run to the bathroom like every 15 minutes.... My body is aching, my intestines are clenching, sometimes there is even buzzing in my head, my stomach hurts as if there' too much acid, but it's also just a side effect of the colic like explosion.
But my belly is flat like I never ate a thing in my life...
Note to self: Stick to restricting!
ReFeed
Well, this morning still lying in bed I made a calculation of the calories I had yesterday....
Hm....
Pancakes for Breakfast, a beer during the afternoon, soya thingies, vegetables and potatoes for dinner with some ice cream at the end....
I guess it must be something between 2000 and 2500...
OMG.
I don´t know if I really enjoyed it, I am not sure. On one hand, it was a relief not to count, not to think about non-eating, not to pass the time until the next treat like broth or a cup of coffee comes along. And I enjoyed eating when hungry, just like a normal person. But on the other hand, I did not enjoy it. There was this feeling deep down inside, that THE SCALE would get up, that my stomach would be larger the next day and the hunger would be more intense. That the food would linger in my belly making it stick out for the next 2 to 3 days. I remember why I started the re-feed-plan last week, I remember getting nice tips and support, but yesterday I thought: Well, now I am losing and now I am eating like a pig...I should not do it.... But I wanted to give it a try and I did.
Anyway, the scale was up to 124,6 today, but actually I think this is OK. All the food, and the special time of month I still got..... It did not ge me depressed. I am not as weak as I was last week, I feel stronger and more determinded.
That´s why I did not eat today until now, and the hunger did not hurt as much as expected. I had several cups of coffee and a cup of broth, like always, and will get a super-healthy and low-cal dinner tonight, I will do it myself to really count the calories (another thing about re-feeding if youre not living on your own: The people around you see you eat and don´t worry as much about your eating habits...), so maybe I can stay below 500 today, which would be great. On another subject, I had to take some laxative pills this morning, the feeling of the 2500 cal-food in my belly made me feel dirty... well, I know that this does not lower the calorie intake, but it will make me feel lighter.
Another thing hit me this morning: I felt so full and so disgusting after yesterdays meals, and a nutrition of about 2000 cals is regarded as a normal diet for the average human being (like the average medical human being, 180 cm and 70 kg). I did not have 3 meals....How can this be regarded as normal? How could I eat in this range for a long time and not feel sick? How can someone eat this and still feel hungry afterwards ( not in a binge situation, in normal daily life)?
I am glad I can restrict again, it gives momentum to my life...
Thanks for the supporting comments during the last week, my motivation had hit rock bottom, and they helped me through it. After such a long time I do not feel anlone anymore.
Hm....
Pancakes for Breakfast, a beer during the afternoon, soya thingies, vegetables and potatoes for dinner with some ice cream at the end....
I guess it must be something between 2000 and 2500...
OMG.
I don´t know if I really enjoyed it, I am not sure. On one hand, it was a relief not to count, not to think about non-eating, not to pass the time until the next treat like broth or a cup of coffee comes along. And I enjoyed eating when hungry, just like a normal person. But on the other hand, I did not enjoy it. There was this feeling deep down inside, that THE SCALE would get up, that my stomach would be larger the next day and the hunger would be more intense. That the food would linger in my belly making it stick out for the next 2 to 3 days. I remember why I started the re-feed-plan last week, I remember getting nice tips and support, but yesterday I thought: Well, now I am losing and now I am eating like a pig...I should not do it.... But I wanted to give it a try and I did.
Anyway, the scale was up to 124,6 today, but actually I think this is OK. All the food, and the special time of month I still got..... It did not ge me depressed. I am not as weak as I was last week, I feel stronger and more determinded.
That´s why I did not eat today until now, and the hunger did not hurt as much as expected. I had several cups of coffee and a cup of broth, like always, and will get a super-healthy and low-cal dinner tonight, I will do it myself to really count the calories (another thing about re-feeding if youre not living on your own: The people around you see you eat and don´t worry as much about your eating habits...), so maybe I can stay below 500 today, which would be great. On another subject, I had to take some laxative pills this morning, the feeling of the 2500 cal-food in my belly made me feel dirty... well, I know that this does not lower the calorie intake, but it will make me feel lighter.
Another thing hit me this morning: I felt so full and so disgusting after yesterdays meals, and a nutrition of about 2000 cals is regarded as a normal diet for the average human being (like the average medical human being, 180 cm and 70 kg). I did not have 3 meals....How can this be regarded as normal? How could I eat in this range for a long time and not feel sick? How can someone eat this and still feel hungry afterwards ( not in a binge situation, in normal daily life)?
I am glad I can restrict again, it gives momentum to my life...
Thanks for the supporting comments during the last week, my motivation had hit rock bottom, and they helped me through it. After such a long time I do not feel anlone anymore.
11/22/2009
Emptiness
Saturday was a good day, although I didn´t think so. At night I wanted to binge on something, I don´t know why, after midnight I told myself that it was sunday morning, and sunday would mean re-feeding..... but I could not find something to fulfill my needs. This morning, THE SCALE showed me the lowest number since I started to restrict again.
123,6.
But today it´s re-feeding-time, and when I asked my beloved BF to make breakfast he was surprised and happy. Pancakes...
Whatever...
Tonight there will be "real dinner", I don´t know what I will be, but I will enjoy it. Tomorrow THE SCALE will get up and I will care, but not today. I am wearing some gothic trousers today I bought a year ago during my first adult-restricting-period, and they are loose. There´s a noticeable space between my thighs, and my man put a hand on my neck to say goodbey while I was sitting on my desk learning for the upcoming exam, and I could feel him touch my spine.... Perfect....
Last night, I was thinking about emptiness. I wonder why I am striving for it. Why we all do. What´s the point?
In my case, I feel empty inside (emotionally) many times, and I hate it, it leaves me hollow and weak. Why do I want this physically? Why do I want this? Do I need to show my non-feelings to the world? Look at me, I am empty? I know that I want to have control, I want to control my hunger, my needs, my intake, my body, it gives me strenght and the feeling of superiority. I want to control the changes taking place inside me, and my weight is the only thing I can change (maybe that´s not true, but I feel this way). That´s all very clear to me. But the emptiness makes me wonder.
If I have a good day and go to bed hungry and empty I am in a state of bliss. But why? Every woman can understand that losing a size or two is perfect, a heavenly goal. But emptiness? What is it all about?
If we look deep inside our hearts and our souls, what is it that we want to show the world?
In the psychosomatic theory, a person who suffers from constipation has a problem with giving away things. He or she has the feeling that they already give away themselves and they want to keep things. What does it mean not to fill in anything at all? Maybe we don´t want contact with the outer world, we never let anything pass our borders. And emptiness means freedom, control, which would close the circle...
I don´t know, my thoughts are strange right now, but on the plus side, I am calm, and I don´t feel weak today at all. There´s some kind of peace, due to the fact that I have a plan and am confident to stick to it.
Sorry for this rambling, I just feel like it. I hope you all can have some peace today, too.
123,6.
But today it´s re-feeding-time, and when I asked my beloved BF to make breakfast he was surprised and happy. Pancakes...
Whatever...
Tonight there will be "real dinner", I don´t know what I will be, but I will enjoy it. Tomorrow THE SCALE will get up and I will care, but not today. I am wearing some gothic trousers today I bought a year ago during my first adult-restricting-period, and they are loose. There´s a noticeable space between my thighs, and my man put a hand on my neck to say goodbey while I was sitting on my desk learning for the upcoming exam, and I could feel him touch my spine.... Perfect....
Last night, I was thinking about emptiness. I wonder why I am striving for it. Why we all do. What´s the point?
In my case, I feel empty inside (emotionally) many times, and I hate it, it leaves me hollow and weak. Why do I want this physically? Why do I want this? Do I need to show my non-feelings to the world? Look at me, I am empty? I know that I want to have control, I want to control my hunger, my needs, my intake, my body, it gives me strenght and the feeling of superiority. I want to control the changes taking place inside me, and my weight is the only thing I can change (maybe that´s not true, but I feel this way). That´s all very clear to me. But the emptiness makes me wonder.
If I have a good day and go to bed hungry and empty I am in a state of bliss. But why? Every woman can understand that losing a size or two is perfect, a heavenly goal. But emptiness? What is it all about?
If we look deep inside our hearts and our souls, what is it that we want to show the world?
In the psychosomatic theory, a person who suffers from constipation has a problem with giving away things. He or she has the feeling that they already give away themselves and they want to keep things. What does it mean not to fill in anything at all? Maybe we don´t want contact with the outer world, we never let anything pass our borders. And emptiness means freedom, control, which would close the circle...
I don´t know, my thoughts are strange right now, but on the plus side, I am calm, and I don´t feel weak today at all. There´s some kind of peace, due to the fact that I have a plan and am confident to stick to it.
Sorry for this rambling, I just feel like it. I hope you all can have some peace today, too.
11/21/2009
Nachos
I did relatively well yesterday, until my BF opened a bag of nachos.... I don´t really like them, they are OK or something, but I realized that I had to eat them to leave a "normal" impression. He started to look on my plate during dinner....
I had to cook, and since I wanted to stay good I made corn, cauliflower and red pepper and some bread for him.... Maybe this combination was too much for him... or too little...
Well, the calculation may be something like
morning latte 100
coffee and broth 50
cauliflower 40
corn 100
red pepper 20
damned nachos 375
OK, I have to admit, it could have been much worse, but my belly was hurting this morning, telling me that it is much too full and too stressed. And the scale went up 0,2, that´s OK.
Today I didn´t have much food until now, and I am planning on a healthy dinner. Tomorrow will be re-feeding time according to qp....
:-)
The BF is in a strange mood right now, I am getting the feeling that I did something wrong, but I don´t want to ask. If he has a problem he can just tell me, can´t he? I mean, this is not a game in which I have to walk on eggshells around him and asking him every 5 minutes: Did I do something wrong, honey? He´s old enough, and I am neither his mother nor his social worker.
( I am getting a little bit angry here, I am sure you can tell...)
But to be fair, it was worse yesterday, and today a littel package arrived I ordered some days ago, it was a present for him, and he was totally surprised and happy. Maybe I sensed it and bought the stuff in advance....
I had to cook, and since I wanted to stay good I made corn, cauliflower and red pepper and some bread for him.... Maybe this combination was too much for him... or too little...
Well, the calculation may be something like
morning latte 100
coffee and broth 50
cauliflower 40
corn 100
red pepper 20
damned nachos 375
OK, I have to admit, it could have been much worse, but my belly was hurting this morning, telling me that it is much too full and too stressed. And the scale went up 0,2, that´s OK.
Today I didn´t have much food until now, and I am planning on a healthy dinner. Tomorrow will be re-feeding time according to qp....
:-)
The BF is in a strange mood right now, I am getting the feeling that I did something wrong, but I don´t want to ask. If he has a problem he can just tell me, can´t he? I mean, this is not a game in which I have to walk on eggshells around him and asking him every 5 minutes: Did I do something wrong, honey? He´s old enough, and I am neither his mother nor his social worker.
( I am getting a little bit angry here, I am sure you can tell...)
But to be fair, it was worse yesterday, and today a littel package arrived I ordered some days ago, it was a present for him, and he was totally surprised and happy. Maybe I sensed it and bought the stuff in advance....
11/20/2009
Back on track
I guess I am officially back on track now.
This morning THE SCALE showed me what I was praying for:
124,6
And I think it is OK, but not good enough.
Well, here I am.
Last night, I could not sleep, because I was hungry.
But there´s the distant feeling of reaching something you worked for a long and hard time.
Help me to stick to it, ladies....
This morning THE SCALE showed me what I was praying for:
124,6
And I think it is OK, but not good enough.
Well, here I am.
Last night, I could not sleep, because I was hungry.
But there´s the distant feeling of reaching something you worked for a long and hard time.
Help me to stick to it, ladies....
11/19/2009
Changing
There are many things changing inside me right now and I don´t know how to describe them. There is a new feeling emerging from the depths of my soul. I already know it, but I don´t know what it means. I am beginning to realize what I am doing right now. There is this mighty feeling of hunger all day long, which means nothing to me. I ignore it. There is physical weariness, especially when no one is talking to me. Tonight before dinner I almost collapsed, nausea was washing over me, and I liked it. I remember it from long ago. The waistband of my trousers at work is still loose, I can feel the fabric moving along my thighs while I am walking... I am determined... I am focused...and I am irritable, I have to hold my tongue...
Am I making it? Am I reaching my goals? Could it be possible for me to become more than I am right now? Or less?
THE SCALE was nice to me, 125. But it´s not enought. It´s not as low as I can go. I know it, I can feel it...
My calorie intake today was exactly the same as yesterday, maybe less, because of the nausea before and during dinner, I left most of the vegetables on the plate, just ate the fish to get some proteins.
And there is fear. Fear of THE SCALE. I absolutely have to step on it every morning, I feel insecure if I am not weighing myself, I feel as if I do not know what´s going on. If it should go down any further (my usual pattern would make it go up tomorrow morning) it would be perfect, powerful and fabulous. But how can I cope with a higher number, although I already know it will be there? Maybe I can force it to stay on 125? Can willpower lower a number?
Here´s the plan for tomorrow, for better or worse:
No food during the day
Tea, tea, tea
Some coffee (due to me being so tired all day long I need lots of it)
Finishing all my work (there will be some overtime)
My beloved broth (one cup, not more)
Dinner with the BF, demand low-cal and low-carb, leaving some on the plate, I obviously can get away with that)
No alcohol in the evening
No treats
That should do it.
Wish me luck.
Am I making it? Am I reaching my goals? Could it be possible for me to become more than I am right now? Or less?
THE SCALE was nice to me, 125. But it´s not enought. It´s not as low as I can go. I know it, I can feel it...
My calorie intake today was exactly the same as yesterday, maybe less, because of the nausea before and during dinner, I left most of the vegetables on the plate, just ate the fish to get some proteins.
And there is fear. Fear of THE SCALE. I absolutely have to step on it every morning, I feel insecure if I am not weighing myself, I feel as if I do not know what´s going on. If it should go down any further (my usual pattern would make it go up tomorrow morning) it would be perfect, powerful and fabulous. But how can I cope with a higher number, although I already know it will be there? Maybe I can force it to stay on 125? Can willpower lower a number?
Here´s the plan for tomorrow, for better or worse:
No food during the day
Tea, tea, tea
Some coffee (due to me being so tired all day long I need lots of it)
Finishing all my work (there will be some overtime)
My beloved broth (one cup, not more)
Dinner with the BF, demand low-cal and low-carb, leaving some on the plate, I obviously can get away with that)
No alcohol in the evening
No treats
That should do it.
Wish me luck.
11/18/2009
2 halves of 1 day
After all the frustrating days in a row I decided to start anew.
This morning, the scale was friendly but I don´t trust it anymore.
126.4 or something, I am just stepping on it to fulfill my morning ritual, but it´s not touching me right now....
This morning, anyway, was extremely hard. I was hungry the second I woke up, and it peaked around 10 am or something. I was ready to kill something just to eat it. Work was rather boring up to this point, and I tried to suppress everything by drinking coffee.
(The reason why I want to reduce coffee is, that I always have to drink it with milk, I don´t like it without, and even if I am taking skimmed milk I end up at app. 150 cals a day just for this. I try to drink more herbal tea, with my favourite artificial sweetener (absolutely no calories) it has no cals at all, but it does not wake me up in the morning and it does not suppress the appetite as much as coffee does. )
I also decided not to drink too much broth a day (you know, the salt....), although I really like it. I promised myself I would drink one cup of it...
At 11 am I was getting in a bad mood, restless, bored, hungry, everything, when suddenly a new schedule at work took place and I had to be very concentrated. The next time I checked it was 1 pm and I could get my broth..... it was perfect... not too salty, hot, a cup, not more...
The other half of the day was strangely perfect. Although I know it´s not true, I felt thinner already.... My trousers for work seemed to be too big, I could push my belly out without feeling the fabric tighten around it. I was walking around feeling powerful, supreme, in control. My mind tricked me into thinking that even the jeans I put on this morning were bigger...
I loved it.
The calculation for today:
Coffee with milk approx. 120
Lots of tea 0
Broth 12
Fish 77 (my proteins....)
red pepper 35
corn 75
Well, that´s unbelievably good..... Did I forget something?
Ok, if this is really all I had, and I think so, I could be right on track...
But please don´t let me hope for the encounter with THE SCALE. THE SCALE hates me right now. Please don´t let me be disappointed again....
This morning, the scale was friendly but I don´t trust it anymore.
126.4 or something, I am just stepping on it to fulfill my morning ritual, but it´s not touching me right now....
This morning, anyway, was extremely hard. I was hungry the second I woke up, and it peaked around 10 am or something. I was ready to kill something just to eat it. Work was rather boring up to this point, and I tried to suppress everything by drinking coffee.
(The reason why I want to reduce coffee is, that I always have to drink it with milk, I don´t like it without, and even if I am taking skimmed milk I end up at app. 150 cals a day just for this. I try to drink more herbal tea, with my favourite artificial sweetener (absolutely no calories) it has no cals at all, but it does not wake me up in the morning and it does not suppress the appetite as much as coffee does. )
I also decided not to drink too much broth a day (you know, the salt....), although I really like it. I promised myself I would drink one cup of it...
At 11 am I was getting in a bad mood, restless, bored, hungry, everything, when suddenly a new schedule at work took place and I had to be very concentrated. The next time I checked it was 1 pm and I could get my broth..... it was perfect... not too salty, hot, a cup, not more...
The other half of the day was strangely perfect. Although I know it´s not true, I felt thinner already.... My trousers for work seemed to be too big, I could push my belly out without feeling the fabric tighten around it. I was walking around feeling powerful, supreme, in control. My mind tricked me into thinking that even the jeans I put on this morning were bigger...
I loved it.
The calculation for today:
Coffee with milk approx. 120
Lots of tea 0
Broth 12
Fish 77 (my proteins....)
red pepper 35
corn 75
Well, that´s unbelievably good..... Did I forget something?
Ok, if this is really all I had, and I think so, I could be right on track...
But please don´t let me hope for the encounter with THE SCALE. THE SCALE hates me right now. Please don´t let me be disappointed again....
11/17/2009
Plateau
On sunday I promised myself to get better and not care about the numbers on the scale.
I cannot follow this, I really can´t.
This is not like a plateau, it´s a whole flat planet. Nothing is moving in any direction, right now. One day, I see a nice number on the scale, the next day it´s getting up, the following day it´s getting up, and at the end I reach my starting point.
Like today.
I never had something like this before. It´s so frustrating, it really is. On the plus side, my health is really returning to me, letting me plan for a nice workout on saturday or even friday after work.
What can I do to break through the plateau? I don´t think that re-feeding is the answer, I did not restrict enough for that, I guess. So maybe I should lower the cal intake for the next few days and re-feed after the workout at the end of the week? Meaning no more coffee with milk during the day, herbal tea, and little dinners at home? Maybe it´s possible without the bf noticing. And I think I should lower the amount of broth... I really love this stuff, it´s salty taste gives my stomach the feeling of complete meal, but maybe this is retaining too much fluids? By the way, too much salt a day is definitively not healthy.
Today I overslept making the start of the day really bad, and I needed all the coffee I could get. But I had a cup of broth, not more, and the dinner will hopefully stay under 500 cals. But I could smell fresh bread in the house, maybe the bf thought about a carb-loaded meal...
:-(
I really need strenght right now not to screw it all up and just eat the contents of the fridge. Who would care, anyway, the scale will be up tomorrow for sure....
I cannot follow this, I really can´t.
This is not like a plateau, it´s a whole flat planet. Nothing is moving in any direction, right now. One day, I see a nice number on the scale, the next day it´s getting up, the following day it´s getting up, and at the end I reach my starting point.
Like today.
I never had something like this before. It´s so frustrating, it really is. On the plus side, my health is really returning to me, letting me plan for a nice workout on saturday or even friday after work.
What can I do to break through the plateau? I don´t think that re-feeding is the answer, I did not restrict enough for that, I guess. So maybe I should lower the cal intake for the next few days and re-feed after the workout at the end of the week? Meaning no more coffee with milk during the day, herbal tea, and little dinners at home? Maybe it´s possible without the bf noticing. And I think I should lower the amount of broth... I really love this stuff, it´s salty taste gives my stomach the feeling of complete meal, but maybe this is retaining too much fluids? By the way, too much salt a day is definitively not healthy.
Today I overslept making the start of the day really bad, and I needed all the coffee I could get. But I had a cup of broth, not more, and the dinner will hopefully stay under 500 cals. But I could smell fresh bread in the house, maybe the bf thought about a carb-loaded meal...
:-(
I really need strenght right now not to screw it all up and just eat the contents of the fridge. Who would care, anyway, the scale will be up tomorrow for sure....
11/16/2009
War
I decided it is war and I am not going to lose this thing.
Yesterday evening I got an extreme headache with full symptoms of sinusitis, I could barely move and that´s it, I am sick of being sick, I fought back.
I went to my special drawer and pulled out all the "chemical weapons" I could find (pain killers, anti-inflammation-drugs, decongestants, local antibiotics and so on) and took a hand full of them. The same thing this morning.
Now I don´t know if I am actually feeling better or I simply can´t feel a thing, but I feel stronger and more alive. There is more to my day than just managing to avoid stairs and rapid movements.
I am not going to lose this thing.
Weight-wise I promised myself not to care, which is hard, actually. Scale went up. Way up.
OK, medication, sickness, the bf choosing dinner...
But today I did good.
Despite the medication, there was some coffee, some tea, some more medication, some broth (I love this stuff), some vitamins, and a low cal dinner with soya, corn and zucchini, making approx. 600 cals today.
OK.
Tomorrow I will aim for the same, maybe a few cals less.
I hope I can go back to the gym at the weekend....?
I just realize:
The better I feel the more I worry about my intake, my cals and my weight. So this could be a good sign. Maybe I am back. After 3 weeks of sickness in every possible cold-related way, I promise to myself:
This is war, and I will not lose this thing!
Yesterday evening I got an extreme headache with full symptoms of sinusitis, I could barely move and that´s it, I am sick of being sick, I fought back.
I went to my special drawer and pulled out all the "chemical weapons" I could find (pain killers, anti-inflammation-drugs, decongestants, local antibiotics and so on) and took a hand full of them. The same thing this morning.
Now I don´t know if I am actually feeling better or I simply can´t feel a thing, but I feel stronger and more alive. There is more to my day than just managing to avoid stairs and rapid movements.
I am not going to lose this thing.
Weight-wise I promised myself not to care, which is hard, actually. Scale went up. Way up.
OK, medication, sickness, the bf choosing dinner...
But today I did good.
Despite the medication, there was some coffee, some tea, some more medication, some broth (I love this stuff), some vitamins, and a low cal dinner with soya, corn and zucchini, making approx. 600 cals today.
OK.
Tomorrow I will aim for the same, maybe a few cals less.
I hope I can go back to the gym at the weekend....?
I just realize:
The better I feel the more I worry about my intake, my cals and my weight. So this could be a good sign. Maybe I am back. After 3 weeks of sickness in every possible cold-related way, I promise to myself:
This is war, and I will not lose this thing!
11/15/2009
Boring
My weekend is just boring so far.
I spent most of my saturday in front of my books and will do this again today.
My BF spent his saturday around the house working, so he could choose dinner, and guess what:
He went to McD.
....
Bad.
...
I got a fish burger and some fries with a garden salad (without the dressing) and worried about that big-time. And, by the way: You eat your weekly goal in calories in one meal and an hour later you are hungry again. It´s like eating nothing with a whole bunch of calories. But he was happy.
And my scale returned to it´s strange pattern again:
125,4.
After McD????
It made me happy, despite the fact that I don´t believe it.
And tomorrow, I already know that, it will be way up again. Maybe my body is just retaining and losing water in a 3-day-rhythm and I can´t do anything about that. But am I losing or not?
Frustrating.
Nevertheless, I am still relatively sick. My nose is still running, I got mild symptoms of sinusitis, and I feel weak. If I have to get something fromt he basement and return to my room I am out of breath and near to fainting. On the plus side, there is cheese cake (yes, archenemy number 3) from my mother-in-law-to-be sitting in the fridge and I DON`T CARE!!! I simply don´t want it.
Tomorrow I will have to go to work, even if I would want to stay at home, there will be some more work around the house making me unable to stay there. Well, whatever.
I made a plan for myself and my body yesterday, and I hope by posting it I will stick to it:
:-)
Please, just let me get better.
I spent most of my saturday in front of my books and will do this again today.
My BF spent his saturday around the house working, so he could choose dinner, and guess what:
He went to McD.
....
Bad.
...
I got a fish burger and some fries with a garden salad (without the dressing) and worried about that big-time. And, by the way: You eat your weekly goal in calories in one meal and an hour later you are hungry again. It´s like eating nothing with a whole bunch of calories. But he was happy.
And my scale returned to it´s strange pattern again:
125,4.
After McD????
It made me happy, despite the fact that I don´t believe it.
And tomorrow, I already know that, it will be way up again. Maybe my body is just retaining and losing water in a 3-day-rhythm and I can´t do anything about that. But am I losing or not?
Frustrating.
Nevertheless, I am still relatively sick. My nose is still running, I got mild symptoms of sinusitis, and I feel weak. If I have to get something fromt he basement and return to my room I am out of breath and near to fainting. On the plus side, there is cheese cake (yes, archenemy number 3) from my mother-in-law-to-be sitting in the fridge and I DON`T CARE!!! I simply don´t want it.
Tomorrow I will have to go to work, even if I would want to stay at home, there will be some more work around the house making me unable to stay there. Well, whatever.
I made a plan for myself and my body yesterday, and I hope by posting it I will stick to it:
- Today I will make dinner for my hard-working man, and I will make what he wishes for and I will join him.
- The next week I will focus on getting better. Taking my vitamins, drinking lots of tea, no alcohol, lots of sleep.
- The day I will feel perfectly healthy I will start to workout again. But I will not push it, I will start easy.
- Until I get better, there will be no liquid fasts, but I will carry on restricting. But I will not try to stay under 600 cals by all means.
- During my recovery, it will be OK for me not to lose any weight. And I will try not to hate myself the second I step on the scale.
:-)
Please, just let me get better.
11/14/2009
Binge
It happende to me too... for the first time....
Last night, at the party, I binged....
I had some dinner at home (potato salad from my future mother on law, the best), and I really felt sick afterwards. I am still feeling bad because of the shot, but after the salad it war really bad. I even thought about purging, but I didn´t. When we came to the party most people were already gone but there was lots of food left. And, as always: Cheese. As I mentioned earlier, it´s one of my archenemies... I had cheese....lots of fat.....and bread....freaking carbs..... and some cake..... and more cake..... The only reason why I didn´t get alcohol was me being sick already....
Well, when I woke up this morning I could feel my belly hurting and it felt gigantic, even when I was still lying on my back in bed.... The skale didn´t have to show me....
The interesting point is: I never did that before. In my first ED episode, I could decide whether to eat or not and I never broke this decision. Sometimes I had to eat, I was still living with my parents, but I never did it out of free will. I could stop myself. This seems to be gone. Come on, I had cake!!!!!!
I am not angry with myself because of the potato salad, she made it just for me, it was packed in a little box waiting for me to come home from work. This is so nice of her. How could I be angry because of that?
But the freaking cake....
OK, to do some sharin´here:
The ultimate archenemy-list:
About the party last night:
Just as I expected, I liked her again. She is so cute and so small (I had to put on the extra-high heels to make me feel better about myself) and so skinny and she has a new hairdo which looks perfect on her and she worried about my cold and asked me like one hundred times how I was feeling and if she could do anything for me...
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I am such a bad person for trying to hate her. She is just, listen to me, I am telling it:
SUPER-NICE AND SWEET.
Here it is, the simple truth.
When we went home she asked me to meet with her without the man having some serious talk (she made a movement with her head in the direction of the men and smiled with a wink). And I have to admit: I would really like to do that and I will do it after my exam....
;-)
Weight-wise, I have to do some serious thinking. I am constantly on the same weight and I´ve been trying to lose some by heaving liquid-only days and very low cal days and there is nothing moving at all. I will think about that today and post it later, I guess.
Now back to the books I go....
Last night, at the party, I binged....
I had some dinner at home (potato salad from my future mother on law, the best), and I really felt sick afterwards. I am still feeling bad because of the shot, but after the salad it war really bad. I even thought about purging, but I didn´t. When we came to the party most people were already gone but there was lots of food left. And, as always: Cheese. As I mentioned earlier, it´s one of my archenemies... I had cheese....lots of fat.....and bread....freaking carbs..... and some cake..... and more cake..... The only reason why I didn´t get alcohol was me being sick already....
Well, when I woke up this morning I could feel my belly hurting and it felt gigantic, even when I was still lying on my back in bed.... The skale didn´t have to show me....
The interesting point is: I never did that before. In my first ED episode, I could decide whether to eat or not and I never broke this decision. Sometimes I had to eat, I was still living with my parents, but I never did it out of free will. I could stop myself. This seems to be gone. Come on, I had cake!!!!!!
I am not angry with myself because of the potato salad, she made it just for me, it was packed in a little box waiting for me to come home from work. This is so nice of her. How could I be angry because of that?
But the freaking cake....
OK, to do some sharin´here:
The ultimate archenemy-list:
- Potatoes; in every form; just not from yesterday, I hate it when someone re-heats them the next day, makes them taste bad. I can find one potato out of a salad which was re-heated...I am picky...
- Cheese; OMG, I love it. Exept this white one with the blue mold....yak....
- Cheese-cake
- Chocolate; I never had in at home in the last few years, but since this summer, I am craving for it, it also includes chocolate cake and brownies
- Alcohol; I don´t think it tasted that good, but I like the light and careless feeling in my head and in my heart after some glasses of sparkling wine or red wine.
About the party last night:
Just as I expected, I liked her again. She is so cute and so small (I had to put on the extra-high heels to make me feel better about myself) and so skinny and she has a new hairdo which looks perfect on her and she worried about my cold and asked me like one hundred times how I was feeling and if she could do anything for me...
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I am such a bad person for trying to hate her. She is just, listen to me, I am telling it:
SUPER-NICE AND SWEET.
Here it is, the simple truth.
When we went home she asked me to meet with her without the man having some serious talk (she made a movement with her head in the direction of the men and smiled with a wink). And I have to admit: I would really like to do that and I will do it after my exam....
;-)
Weight-wise, I have to do some serious thinking. I am constantly on the same weight and I´ve been trying to lose some by heaving liquid-only days and very low cal days and there is nothing moving at all. I will think about that today and post it later, I guess.
Now back to the books I go....
11/13/2009
Insufficient
I really feel insufficient today.
My weight loss so far is insufficient.
My ability to work and function in the outside world are insufficient.
My health is insufficient.
My new hairdo (which was 70 bucks) is insufficient (I am looking like a chipmunk).
My eating is insufficient in both directions (too little to be healthy, too much to lose weight).
On my way home form work I cried in my car, which is a bad idea, because I am driving a sportscar and it´s hard to see through tears when you are going 100 mph.
Anyway, the good news is, in another department at work, all of the people had the flu shot at the same time, and since yesterday, the department is closed because no one could come to work. Obviously, the symptoms of flu I got right now are a common reaction to the shot. So I don´t have to think that my body is on a rebellion once again, I will be able to go to the gym again, and it´s not my fault.
In about an hour, I will have to go to a birthday party of a woman my BF once had a crush on... Very strange.... I always try to hate her (let´s be honest: She´s cute and really, really skinny... and she´s intelligent, she has a dog, she likes sophisticated movies and plays.....), but if I meet her I always end up liking her. I hope there will be no food. Maybe I can use her as thinspiration.
My weight loss so far is insufficient.
My ability to work and function in the outside world are insufficient.
My health is insufficient.
My new hairdo (which was 70 bucks) is insufficient (I am looking like a chipmunk).
My eating is insufficient in both directions (too little to be healthy, too much to lose weight).
On my way home form work I cried in my car, which is a bad idea, because I am driving a sportscar and it´s hard to see through tears when you are going 100 mph.
Anyway, the good news is, in another department at work, all of the people had the flu shot at the same time, and since yesterday, the department is closed because no one could come to work. Obviously, the symptoms of flu I got right now are a common reaction to the shot. So I don´t have to think that my body is on a rebellion once again, I will be able to go to the gym again, and it´s not my fault.
In about an hour, I will have to go to a birthday party of a woman my BF once had a crush on... Very strange.... I always try to hate her (let´s be honest: She´s cute and really, really skinny... and she´s intelligent, she has a dog, she likes sophisticated movies and plays.....), but if I meet her I always end up liking her. I hope there will be no food. Maybe I can use her as thinspiration.
11/12/2009
Sick and at home
I am really sick again. I decided to stay home and in bed. I feel bad, because my collegues have to do all the work by themselves and I think if I carry on missing days at work I will get fired soon. But inside I am still calm, I never took a day off without being sick, no bad conscience necessary.
I started to take vitamins in huge amount again. I am taking some on a regular basis, but obviously that´s not enough.
Yesterday evening, I could not get my low-cal dinner, because the BF thought I would need some energy to get well soon.... Well, at least he cares about me.... He made some soya thingies with cauliflower and..... french fries..... but french fries out of the actifry (like a deep fry but there´s no oil or fat in it, it works with hot air, and the stuff tastes like deep-fried.... it´s the perfect invention...it was rather expensive but worth every cent, I can assure you of that...) Well, I think it came up to something around 800 calories for the day...
But the skale didn´t mind! Can you believe it:
125,8
I haven´t seen the 25 in a long time... It gave me the strength not to eat until now, although I am home alone and no one to judge me when I am stuffing carbs in my mouth...
Well, here´s the plan for the rest of the day:
No food until dinner with the BF
Lots of tea to get better
Taking a shower and putting on some make up. Feeling sick is no reason to look sick.
Learning for the upcoming exam
Writing something (there´s some work I need to finish this month)
Doing the laundry and cleaning up a little (the freaking paper stuff is lying on the treadmill again, I am such a mess)
I think it´s time to roll up the sleeves...
:-)
I started to take vitamins in huge amount again. I am taking some on a regular basis, but obviously that´s not enough.
Yesterday evening, I could not get my low-cal dinner, because the BF thought I would need some energy to get well soon.... Well, at least he cares about me.... He made some soya thingies with cauliflower and..... french fries..... but french fries out of the actifry (like a deep fry but there´s no oil or fat in it, it works with hot air, and the stuff tastes like deep-fried.... it´s the perfect invention...it was rather expensive but worth every cent, I can assure you of that...) Well, I think it came up to something around 800 calories for the day...
But the skale didn´t mind! Can you believe it:
125,8
I haven´t seen the 25 in a long time... It gave me the strength not to eat until now, although I am home alone and no one to judge me when I am stuffing carbs in my mouth...
Well, here´s the plan for the rest of the day:
No food until dinner with the BF
Lots of tea to get better
Taking a shower and putting on some make up. Feeling sick is no reason to look sick.
Learning for the upcoming exam
Writing something (there´s some work I need to finish this month)
Doing the laundry and cleaning up a little (the freaking paper stuff is lying on the treadmill again, I am such a mess)
I think it´s time to roll up the sleeves...
:-)
11/11/2009
I did it again
Yesterday was the second day of liquid fast. Despite much work and a strong feeling of hunger I stayed with vegetable soup and coffee/tea. This morning I felt like I could stop eating forever, and I haven´t done it yet. But I could not weigh myself today. I have to do it tomorrow, but I really fear it this time. Usually I am looking forward to it, but since I realised the strange pattern my body is developing right now I am really scared. It could ruin my day for sure.
I got another cold right now, thanks a lot, that´s why I am not able to do any sports. This really sucks. I could do so much better with a decent workout now and then, but I am also scared of getting severely ill. I mean, no normal person gets two colds and a shot reaction in a row. I can´t remeber the last day I felt totally not-sick. It starts to depress me. Additionally, the internet at home is not working properly right now, I can never know if I am able to post or read blogs or anything.
But I should not start to cry over nothing. I am doing quite good right now, I guess, and despite the cold I am learning for an upcoming oral exam right now.
My discipline is back....
I got another cold right now, thanks a lot, that´s why I am not able to do any sports. This really sucks. I could do so much better with a decent workout now and then, but I am also scared of getting severely ill. I mean, no normal person gets two colds and a shot reaction in a row. I can´t remeber the last day I felt totally not-sick. It starts to depress me. Additionally, the internet at home is not working properly right now, I can never know if I am able to post or read blogs or anything.
But I should not start to cry over nothing. I am doing quite good right now, I guess, and despite the cold I am learning for an upcoming oral exam right now.
My discipline is back....
11/10/2009
Dissocial collegues are the best!
Actually I am working in hour 8 of 24. I am furious. I am sick again, if I wouldn´t have all of the shots I would say I got the flu.
I am incredibly hungry, my stomach is raging, and my collegue just went to the cafeteria to get something, and he didn´t even aks me. And that´s why dissocial collegues are the best: If I had gone to the cafeteria with him I would have bought something. And I would have eaten it....
And because of him being a jerk I am still on a liquid fast.
Today, I am weak, I can feel it. The skale went up this morning, I don´t know why... I am starting to see a pattern there: One day an extreme down, the other day up again. I wish the overall tendency would be down, but it´s not moving. I started around 128, now I am around 127, but come on: 1 lb a week???? Imagine how long it will take me to reach my goal weight....
Anyway, I was hoping I could feel light today, but I don´t. I was hoping I could get a bit of a high, but I am really down. I am making plans on cheating on myself (have a cappucino, it´s lots of calories but it´s a liquid, it´s OK) and I have to prevent myself from checking my collegues lockers and to check out their food (just look what they brought).
Hello? What´s wrong with me?
And still so many hours to go....
I am incredibly hungry, my stomach is raging, and my collegue just went to the cafeteria to get something, and he didn´t even aks me. And that´s why dissocial collegues are the best: If I had gone to the cafeteria with him I would have bought something. And I would have eaten it....
And because of him being a jerk I am still on a liquid fast.
Today, I am weak, I can feel it. The skale went up this morning, I don´t know why... I am starting to see a pattern there: One day an extreme down, the other day up again. I wish the overall tendency would be down, but it´s not moving. I started around 128, now I am around 127, but come on: 1 lb a week???? Imagine how long it will take me to reach my goal weight....
Anyway, I was hoping I could feel light today, but I don´t. I was hoping I could get a bit of a high, but I am really down. I am making plans on cheating on myself (have a cappucino, it´s lots of calories but it´s a liquid, it´s OK) and I have to prevent myself from checking my collegues lockers and to check out their food (just look what they brought).
Hello? What´s wrong with me?
And still so many hours to go....
11/09/2009
Somedays...
... I would give a month´s payment to stay in bed with my boyfriend and hold him tight.
Today was such a day....
After the dinner last night, almost as I thought it would be, everything went much better. Maybe we are a dinner-couple...
So this morning I really enjoyed his warm and soft skin and the alarm clock had to wake me twice. I got up with a nice warm feeling of being at home, and in this mood I stepped on the skale, and guess what:
126,2!!!
Yes!!!
The formal-dinner-weight seems to be gone and I am at the level before the flu shot...
:-)
Although it was raining and very cold I drove to work in a very good mood and was able to keep that mood the whole day. And because of this amazing feeling, I kept strong:
My morning-latte (100cal)
Lots of clear vegetable soup (24 cal)
Some more coffee (50cl)
Dinner with fish (150cl) and some vegetables (200 cal)
I can´believe it, it is under 600 (my daily goal) and it felt great!!!
Tomorrow will be extremely hard: I will work a 24h-shift (yes, this really exists on this planet) and I will have to fight the urges to order pizza with the rest of the people working late. It is extremely hard. After 12 h of work you get lonely, sad, very tired and very hungry. Sometimes, food is the only thing you can look forward to. And you know that you only finished half the time. So most of the times I am not strong enough not to order some pizza or chinese.... and it´s all carb-filled fattening junk food...
And the worst part is: Dinner usually takes place in the office I have to work at.... No escape.... Imagine me, sitting there, with some vegetable soup or herbal tea, while some fat girl is sitting next to me stuffing her face with pizza... And I stare at the food.... at every bite....stomach crying....
OMG
Please, let me be strong. I could really need this day with no solid food (because I don´t have to have dinner with the BF). It would really help me to focus and work on my goal....
Please, let me do this.
And please don´t let me forget my chewing gum at home, it helpes so much...
Today was such a day....
After the dinner last night, almost as I thought it would be, everything went much better. Maybe we are a dinner-couple...
So this morning I really enjoyed his warm and soft skin and the alarm clock had to wake me twice. I got up with a nice warm feeling of being at home, and in this mood I stepped on the skale, and guess what:
126,2!!!
Yes!!!
The formal-dinner-weight seems to be gone and I am at the level before the flu shot...
:-)
Although it was raining and very cold I drove to work in a very good mood and was able to keep that mood the whole day. And because of this amazing feeling, I kept strong:
My morning-latte (100cal)
Lots of clear vegetable soup (24 cal)
Some more coffee (50cl)
Dinner with fish (150cl) and some vegetables (200 cal)
I can´believe it, it is under 600 (my daily goal) and it felt great!!!
Tomorrow will be extremely hard: I will work a 24h-shift (yes, this really exists on this planet) and I will have to fight the urges to order pizza with the rest of the people working late. It is extremely hard. After 12 h of work you get lonely, sad, very tired and very hungry. Sometimes, food is the only thing you can look forward to. And you know that you only finished half the time. So most of the times I am not strong enough not to order some pizza or chinese.... and it´s all carb-filled fattening junk food...
And the worst part is: Dinner usually takes place in the office I have to work at.... No escape.... Imagine me, sitting there, with some vegetable soup or herbal tea, while some fat girl is sitting next to me stuffing her face with pizza... And I stare at the food.... at every bite....stomach crying....
OMG
Please, let me be strong. I could really need this day with no solid food (because I don´t have to have dinner with the BF). It would really help me to focus and work on my goal....
Please, let me do this.
And please don´t let me forget my chewing gum at home, it helpes so much...
11/08/2009
Dinner and a movie
I promised to post it....
127,8
After 1 day liquid fast, 2 days of restriction and 2 formal dinners I am right where I started.
When I woke up this morning I could actually feel it. I knew it, but I stepped on the skale anyway. I thought it would make me sad, embarrased, or even despondent, but it didn´t. I was looking at the numbers and just went back to bed. And still I feel nothing. Maybe I just accepted the fact that I will never be thin, fragile, that I will never reach my goal weight, I will never be special.
Or will I?
I am planning a low-cal dinner tonight, with my boyfriend, who hates me right now. We had an additional huge fight yesterday, and now he is simply annoyed by everything I do. But anyway, we will have a kind of dinner together, we always do. The bad thing is: The dinner table is the place we always meet again, rain or shine, and most of the time things get better afterwards. I wish we could choose a different place. With no food involved. Can you change such things in a relationship? I don´t know. Maybe we could meet for a long run at the river or in the woods. (I would like that, but he doesn´t like running with me, because I am too slow and he gets bored.)
Some time ago, I lost track of my weight. I can´t even explain how this happened. I stepped on the skale (an old one) maybe once a month or less. The numbers I saw were fine for me. I felt good about myself. On sundays, my boyfriend and I had "dinner and a movie". We were cooking something we planned for, prepared the meal together and were eating during a TV-movie. It was so much fun. I was looking forward to it every weekend.
One day I saw a photo of myself..... OMG... I was surprised. Wait a minute, those giant hips, do they belong to me??? I stepped on the skale... not so bad.... I tried on some old jeans..... WAY too tight.... WTF?
I bought a new skale.... The old one just didn´t work. It was way too low and I never realised...
After some hard work I could make him cook the way I want it to. And I lost some of that weight. The rest still hangs on my body and makes me sick.
But sometimes, especially today, I miss sunday´s "dinner and a movie". The carefree time I once had. The ability to not look into the mirror. What was wrong with me? That wasn´t me at all. I never want to get back there. But I still miss it.
127,8
After 1 day liquid fast, 2 days of restriction and 2 formal dinners I am right where I started.
When I woke up this morning I could actually feel it. I knew it, but I stepped on the skale anyway. I thought it would make me sad, embarrased, or even despondent, but it didn´t. I was looking at the numbers and just went back to bed. And still I feel nothing. Maybe I just accepted the fact that I will never be thin, fragile, that I will never reach my goal weight, I will never be special.
Or will I?
I am planning a low-cal dinner tonight, with my boyfriend, who hates me right now. We had an additional huge fight yesterday, and now he is simply annoyed by everything I do. But anyway, we will have a kind of dinner together, we always do. The bad thing is: The dinner table is the place we always meet again, rain or shine, and most of the time things get better afterwards. I wish we could choose a different place. With no food involved. Can you change such things in a relationship? I don´t know. Maybe we could meet for a long run at the river or in the woods. (I would like that, but he doesn´t like running with me, because I am too slow and he gets bored.)
Some time ago, I lost track of my weight. I can´t even explain how this happened. I stepped on the skale (an old one) maybe once a month or less. The numbers I saw were fine for me. I felt good about myself. On sundays, my boyfriend and I had "dinner and a movie". We were cooking something we planned for, prepared the meal together and were eating during a TV-movie. It was so much fun. I was looking forward to it every weekend.
One day I saw a photo of myself..... OMG... I was surprised. Wait a minute, those giant hips, do they belong to me??? I stepped on the skale... not so bad.... I tried on some old jeans..... WAY too tight.... WTF?
I bought a new skale.... The old one just didn´t work. It was way too low and I never realised...
After some hard work I could make him cook the way I want it to. And I lost some of that weight. The rest still hangs on my body and makes me sick.
But sometimes, especially today, I miss sunday´s "dinner and a movie". The carefree time I once had. The ability to not look into the mirror. What was wrong with me? That wasn´t me at all. I never want to get back there. But I still miss it.
11/07/2009
Formal Dinner II
Well, the Dinner things are over.
And I wasn´t a good girl. Well, what a surprise.
Maybe I am not strong enough yet.
Maybe right now I cannot ignore the skale or water gain or flu shots or anything.
I had a thought some time ago tonight:
What if you could wish for being a different person? What if you could lay down in bed at night and make a strong wish and the next mornig you would get exactly what you wished for?
What would I wish for?
Here it is:
- I wish to be extremely thin and fragile on the outside.
- I wish to be extremely strong and independent on the inside.
- I wish I could just shut myself up and listen to the people around me. Everytime I say something it comes out completely wrong and I get in trouble. I wish I would learn to shut up.
- I wish I could see the world through different eyes.
- I wish to be more positive.
Tomorrow I will fear the skale, but I will get on it anyway (to be precise, I got two scales now, they are sitting next to each other; one has extreme changes depending on which exact place you stand, the other one is more stable but a little bit too low.... I put myself in trouble here...).
And I will post it. I will be embarassed, but I will post it anyway...
The dinners are over. The next grown-up evening appointment will be next saturday, but it will be without food, and I will be the driver, I hope...
I have to be strong, I have to be strong.
And I wasn´t a good girl. Well, what a surprise.
Maybe I am not strong enough yet.
Maybe right now I cannot ignore the skale or water gain or flu shots or anything.
I had a thought some time ago tonight:
What if you could wish for being a different person? What if you could lay down in bed at night and make a strong wish and the next mornig you would get exactly what you wished for?
What would I wish for?
Here it is:
- I wish to be extremely thin and fragile on the outside.
- I wish to be extremely strong and independent on the inside.
- I wish I could just shut myself up and listen to the people around me. Everytime I say something it comes out completely wrong and I get in trouble. I wish I would learn to shut up.
- I wish I could see the world through different eyes.
- I wish to be more positive.
Tomorrow I will fear the skale, but I will get on it anyway (to be precise, I got two scales now, they are sitting next to each other; one has extreme changes depending on which exact place you stand, the other one is more stable but a little bit too low.... I put myself in trouble here...).
And I will post it. I will be embarassed, but I will post it anyway...
The dinners are over. The next grown-up evening appointment will be next saturday, but it will be without food, and I will be the driver, I hope...
I have to be strong, I have to be strong.
Formal Dinner I
Bad day. Very bad day.
Yesterday I had to attend the first formal dinner this weekend. I didn´t eat the whole day to make room for buffet and the mandatory wine and sparkling wine. When I arrived there I felt all clean and empty. The formal clothes I am wearing at this kind of occasions seemed to be a little too big...
At first I got a hold of a bottle of water, and I tried to fill myself up, but after an hour of waiting and listening to speeches all of it had left my stomach leaving it moaning and sore. There were potatoes.... I wish they would disappear from the face of the earth. I got a tiny portion, after the first row of guests they were gone and I was really relieved but then...
...then came the cheese...
Well, the skale showed me the result this morning: 127.2.
Well done, baby....
And it keeps switching between numbers, it makes me mad, everytime I step on it there´s a different result, well, I got a new one an hour ago.
But tonight I have to go again. Dinner. Normal dinner. Watching eyes. Maybe no water but wine. (That´s one thing really annoying about getting older: You are supposed to drink alcohol. If you don´t there are just 3 possible explanations: You are pregnant, you are the driver or you are a recovering alcoholic....) And I don´t know what they will offer. And my boyfriend is making scones right now, and he makes an additional portion just for me.... No way not to eat them....
We got a fight today, not a huge one, but one that reminded me that he thinks two things of me:
complicated and weird.
He told me that quite some time ago, and it still hurst. Maybe I am, I don´t know. I feel like I always felt, but now it doesn´t seem to be OK.
I need to get over with this weekend. During the week, I am in control, I can decide whether to eat or not, which things to eat. Yesterday and today I am forced to pretend to be a "normal" person with a "normal" appetite for fatty, carb-filled meals and alcohol. And due to the freakin´ flu shot I am still not able to go to the gym or on the treadmill. It gave me shiverings and fever and headaches but I gained a pound no matter what.
Please let this weekend pass.
I am sorry, I am way too weak right now.
Yesterday I had to attend the first formal dinner this weekend. I didn´t eat the whole day to make room for buffet and the mandatory wine and sparkling wine. When I arrived there I felt all clean and empty. The formal clothes I am wearing at this kind of occasions seemed to be a little too big...
At first I got a hold of a bottle of water, and I tried to fill myself up, but after an hour of waiting and listening to speeches all of it had left my stomach leaving it moaning and sore. There were potatoes.... I wish they would disappear from the face of the earth. I got a tiny portion, after the first row of guests they were gone and I was really relieved but then...
...then came the cheese...
Well, the skale showed me the result this morning: 127.2.
Well done, baby....
And it keeps switching between numbers, it makes me mad, everytime I step on it there´s a different result, well, I got a new one an hour ago.
But tonight I have to go again. Dinner. Normal dinner. Watching eyes. Maybe no water but wine. (That´s one thing really annoying about getting older: You are supposed to drink alcohol. If you don´t there are just 3 possible explanations: You are pregnant, you are the driver or you are a recovering alcoholic....) And I don´t know what they will offer. And my boyfriend is making scones right now, and he makes an additional portion just for me.... No way not to eat them....
We got a fight today, not a huge one, but one that reminded me that he thinks two things of me:
complicated and weird.
He told me that quite some time ago, and it still hurst. Maybe I am, I don´t know. I feel like I always felt, but now it doesn´t seem to be OK.
I need to get over with this weekend. During the week, I am in control, I can decide whether to eat or not, which things to eat. Yesterday and today I am forced to pretend to be a "normal" person with a "normal" appetite for fatty, carb-filled meals and alcohol. And due to the freakin´ flu shot I am still not able to go to the gym or on the treadmill. It gave me shiverings and fever and headaches but I gained a pound no matter what.
Please let this weekend pass.
I am sorry, I am way too weak right now.
11/05/2009
Flu Shot
First thing: I don´t have to buy another skale! It showed me a nice and easy 126,2 this morning, very nice. Maybe some girls or women would cry if they saw those numbers, but for me and right now this is a good thing. Not great, but good.
But: I got myself a flu shot today, not the common one, the swine flu one.
Very bad idea. After 2 to 3 hours I still believed I could go to the gym or on the treadmill, but when I arrived at home 5 hours later I had troubles steering my car. My left arms feels like falling of, my head is spinning and every joint is hurting. The rational part of me says: Well, if you would have gotten the real swine flu you might have felt this way longer and more severe. But the other part, you know which one, is really disappointed and angry. No sports, no calory deficit, no success.
Great...
The good thing is: Because of the head-spinning and joint-hurting I didn´t feel like eating at all, so the calorie-sum for today is still an adequate one:
- Morning latte (no way to start a day without it, no way!) approx. 100
- Brezel for Lunch (a co-worker bought them, her last day....) 150 cal (Damn it...)
- Soya thingy approx. 150 cal.
- corn and paprika for vitamines 80cal
Plus some coffee and tea without sugar...
No sports, but right now I am getting a shivering, I guess this needs a lot of calories.
Ginger, you are right, I have the greatest man for making me low-cal dinners, he thinks I am a little bit strange in the eating-department, but as long as I am making lots of sports with him he doesn´t seem to worry. We´ll see....
The weekend will be tough, I now that already, formal dinners are the worst. And there will be two of them....
Another good thing about the flu shot: I can pretend I am still sick, so I won´t have to drink alcohol and I can not eat without anyone raising an eyebrow. Last week, someone at work saw me eating something, and she said: Oh, you are eating, I thought you would never eat...
It made me so proud, but it also scared the hell out of me. And I felt as if I had done a bad thing, I felt shame....Weird, but familiar...
Right now, I am hoping the shivering uses some calories....
But: I got myself a flu shot today, not the common one, the swine flu one.
Very bad idea. After 2 to 3 hours I still believed I could go to the gym or on the treadmill, but when I arrived at home 5 hours later I had troubles steering my car. My left arms feels like falling of, my head is spinning and every joint is hurting. The rational part of me says: Well, if you would have gotten the real swine flu you might have felt this way longer and more severe. But the other part, you know which one, is really disappointed and angry. No sports, no calory deficit, no success.
Great...
The good thing is: Because of the head-spinning and joint-hurting I didn´t feel like eating at all, so the calorie-sum for today is still an adequate one:
- Morning latte (no way to start a day without it, no way!) approx. 100
- Brezel for Lunch (a co-worker bought them, her last day....) 150 cal (Damn it...)
- Soya thingy approx. 150 cal.
- corn and paprika for vitamines 80cal
Plus some coffee and tea without sugar...
No sports, but right now I am getting a shivering, I guess this needs a lot of calories.
Ginger, you are right, I have the greatest man for making me low-cal dinners, he thinks I am a little bit strange in the eating-department, but as long as I am making lots of sports with him he doesn´t seem to worry. We´ll see....
The weekend will be tough, I now that already, formal dinners are the worst. And there will be two of them....
Another good thing about the flu shot: I can pretend I am still sick, so I won´t have to drink alcohol and I can not eat without anyone raising an eyebrow. Last week, someone at work saw me eating something, and she said: Oh, you are eating, I thought you would never eat...
It made me so proud, but it also scared the hell out of me. And I felt as if I had done a bad thing, I felt shame....Weird, but familiar...
Right now, I am hoping the shivering uses some calories....
11/04/2009
Thank you...
... to Constance für her really nice and supporting comment on my post. It made me smile for a long time...
:-) And I was really very surprised that someone is actually reading my blog...
... to myself, because I was a very good girl today! I couldn´t go to the gym, and the first reaction was like: OK, I ate nothing today, I could get lazy.... would be OK....
But a little voice inside me reminded me that I got my own treadmill in my room, but it was full of stuff I needed to put away (half finnished books, lots of paperwork, packages of things I bought). I hope I am not the only person in the world putting stuff just somewhere else instead of finding a proper place for it... Anyway, I cleaned the whole mess up and jumped on it. I am rather bad in the cardio-area, but I managed to run quite some time, my fitness watch told me about 380 calories. YES!!!
.... to my boyfriend for cooking just the right dinner of fish and vegetable.... 460 calories each....
:-)
I am so looking forward to stepping on the scale tomorrow morning. If it still goes up, I swear, I am buying a new one...
There will be no time for the gym tomorrow (have to work some extra hours), but I just "resuscitated" the treadmill, who knows, maybe I can keep up this lucky streak.
:-) And I was really very surprised that someone is actually reading my blog...
... to myself, because I was a very good girl today! I couldn´t go to the gym, and the first reaction was like: OK, I ate nothing today, I could get lazy.... would be OK....
But a little voice inside me reminded me that I got my own treadmill in my room, but it was full of stuff I needed to put away (half finnished books, lots of paperwork, packages of things I bought). I hope I am not the only person in the world putting stuff just somewhere else instead of finding a proper place for it... Anyway, I cleaned the whole mess up and jumped on it. I am rather bad in the cardio-area, but I managed to run quite some time, my fitness watch told me about 380 calories. YES!!!
.... to my boyfriend for cooking just the right dinner of fish and vegetable.... 460 calories each....
:-)
I am so looking forward to stepping on the scale tomorrow morning. If it still goes up, I swear, I am buying a new one...
There will be no time for the gym tomorrow (have to work some extra hours), but I just "resuscitated" the treadmill, who knows, maybe I can keep up this lucky streak.
Useless fast
Yesterday,
I ate nothing at all. I had clear vegetable soup and coffee with traces of milk, I worked the whole day until 1 am, I was totally tired and incredibly hungry,
but this morning, the scale showed more than yesterday morning.
There are a million theories in my head to explain this, but in the end it´s simply frustrating.
If feels just useless. Like everything I do. Like everything I am.
Here´s the plan for today:
One meal at dinner-time, vegetable and maybe some fish, 500cal max.
Going to the gym, 400 cals on the treadmill or the cross-trainer.I ate nothing at all. I had clear vegetable soup and coffee with traces of milk, I worked the whole day until 1 am, I was totally tired and incredibly hungry,
but this morning, the scale showed more than yesterday morning.
There are a million theories in my head to explain this, but in the end it´s simply frustrating.
If feels just useless. Like everything I do. Like everything I am.
Here´s the plan for today:
One meal at dinner-time, vegetable and maybe some fish, 500cal max.
No treats.
No treats.
Next summer, I am going to get married. I will have my ultimate goal weight at that time, I will. And I will try to reach it as soon as possible.
The last few months I was reading posts of many other girls over and over again, about their struggle, about their fears, about binging and purging and so on, but I never could really connect to them. I am much older, I should be much wiser.
But I am not.
Deep inside I feel the same way I felt many years ago, and I guess there is nothing I can do about it. That´s why I am going to embrace it. I will live it.
No treats.
Next summer, I am going to get married. I will have my ultimate goal weight at that time, I will. And I will try to reach it as soon as possible.
The last few months I was reading posts of many other girls over and over again, about their struggle, about their fears, about binging and purging and so on, but I never could really connect to them. I am much older, I should be much wiser.
But I am not.
Deep inside I feel the same way I felt many years ago, and I guess there is nothing I can do about it. That´s why I am going to embrace it. I will live it.
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