I promised to post it....
127,8
After 1 day liquid fast, 2 days of restriction and 2 formal dinners I am right where I started.
When I woke up this morning I could actually feel it. I knew it, but I stepped on the skale anyway. I thought it would make me sad, embarrased, or even despondent, but it didn´t. I was looking at the numbers and just went back to bed. And still I feel nothing. Maybe I just accepted the fact that I will never be thin, fragile, that I will never reach my goal weight, I will never be special.
Or will I?
I am planning a low-cal dinner tonight, with my boyfriend, who hates me right now. We had an additional huge fight yesterday, and now he is simply annoyed by everything I do. But anyway, we will have a kind of dinner together, we always do. The bad thing is: The dinner table is the place we always meet again, rain or shine, and most of the time things get better afterwards. I wish we could choose a different place. With no food involved. Can you change such things in a relationship? I don´t know. Maybe we could meet for a long run at the river or in the woods. (I would like that, but he doesn´t like running with me, because I am too slow and he gets bored.)
Some time ago, I lost track of my weight. I can´t even explain how this happened. I stepped on the skale (an old one) maybe once a month or less. The numbers I saw were fine for me. I felt good about myself. On sundays, my boyfriend and I had "dinner and a movie". We were cooking something we planned for, prepared the meal together and were eating during a TV-movie. It was so much fun. I was looking forward to it every weekend.
One day I saw a photo of myself..... OMG... I was surprised. Wait a minute, those giant hips, do they belong to me??? I stepped on the skale... not so bad.... I tried on some old jeans..... WAY too tight.... WTF?
I bought a new skale.... The old one just didn´t work. It was way too low and I never realised...
After some hard work I could make him cook the way I want it to. And I lost some of that weight. The rest still hangs on my body and makes me sick.
But sometimes, especially today, I miss sunday´s "dinner and a movie". The carefree time I once had. The ability to not look into the mirror. What was wrong with me? That wasn´t me at all. I never want to get back there. But I still miss it.
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Aww hun <3
AntwortenLöschenThat number on the scale is easily remidied! Y'know what they say about weight gain that is quick, is that it comes off just as quick too--:) And having 2 formal dinners especially, that's pretty good !! (:
I know you will make your goal, and you will be thin, fragile, and special <3 You already are, even at your weight now, and all you will be doing is accenting it when you get even lighter :)
I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship status right now :( Guys are always tough to deal with-- I think it's all that testosterone. We (females) will always be a mystery to them, and vice versa. It's good to hear that you guys do fix your problems though :)
You could always try to meet after a run, couldn't you?? Like take your own routes, and meet back at a certain time; then all the endorphins would have kicked in and etc.. I dunno! Just a thought-- As you know I'm not the best person to give advice for relationships :P
I know how you feel when you miss such memories; it's really bittersweet.. :(
It seems like we are both in the boat of remembering old things :((
Aww hun, I hope you feel better though.. And remember, today is a new day :) Another day to get to your goal <33 :)
---
And I have to say... THANK YOU so much for your lovely words! I was sitting there thinking about it, and You're totally right!
1. When I'm sick, I'm sure all these 'sick' thoughts will be abolished..! :)
*2. I defintitely prefer standing still than move into THAT direction! You really brought a new perspective for me, and after I read your comment I sat and thought about how my life isn't too bad :)
Thank you <<333
I hope all works out tonight with everything <33
qp~
I had a fight with my now-husband today also. Things are just so complicated. We fight for no reason. I'm sorry you are fighting, it is always awful and almost always over something silly and destructive that you could fix if you just both just accepted imperfection in others. meh. this doesn't change, apparently even when you are married.
AntwortenLöschenI'm a bit of a scale fanatic, I have a digital one with 1/10 pound precision. I have discovered that it often takes up to 3 or 4 days to start losing, especially if you are fasting and not exercising much. Then it comes off in 2 pound gobs. That's what happens to me, anyways. So don't despair!
I hope you feel better.... you are being so strong. you will see results soon.