ReFeed

Well, this morning still lying in bed I made a calculation of the calories I had yesterday....

Hm....

Pancakes for Breakfast, a beer during the afternoon, soya thingies, vegetables and potatoes for dinner with some ice cream at the end....
I guess it must be something between 2000 and 2500...

OMG.

I don´t know if I really enjoyed it, I am not sure. On one hand, it was a relief not to count, not to think about non-eating, not to pass the time until the next treat like broth or a cup of coffee comes along. And I enjoyed eating when hungry, just like a normal person. But on the other hand, I did not enjoy it. There was this feeling deep down inside, that THE SCALE would get up, that my stomach would be larger the next day and the hunger would be more intense. That the food would linger in my belly making it stick out for the next 2 to 3 days. I remember why I started the re-feed-plan last week, I remember getting nice tips and support, but yesterday I thought: Well, now I am losing and now I am eating like a pig...I should not do it.... But I wanted to give it a try and I did.

Anyway, the scale was up to 124,6 today, but actually I think this is OK. All the food, and the special time of month I still got..... It did not ge me depressed. I am not as weak as I was last week, I feel stronger and more determinded.
That´s why I did not eat today until now, and the hunger did not hurt as much as expected. I had several cups of coffee and a cup of broth, like always, and will get a super-healthy and low-cal dinner tonight, I will do it myself to really count the calories (another thing about re-feeding if youre not living on your own: The people around you see you eat and don´t worry as much about your eating habits...), so maybe I can stay below 500 today, which would be great. On another subject, I had to take some laxative pills this morning, the feeling of the 2500 cal-food in my belly made me feel dirty... well, I know that this does not lower the calorie intake, but it will make me feel lighter.

Another thing hit me this morning: I felt so full and so disgusting after yesterdays meals, and a nutrition of about 2000 cals is regarded as a normal diet for the average human being (like the average medical human being, 180 cm and 70 kg). I did not have 3 meals....How can this be regarded as normal? How could I eat in this range for a long time and not feel sick? How can someone eat this and still feel hungry afterwards ( not in a binge situation, in normal daily life)?
I am glad I can restrict again, it gives momentum to my life...
Thanks for the supporting comments during the last week, my motivation had hit rock bottom, and they helped me through it. After such a long time I do not feel anlone anymore.