Emptiness

Saturday was a good day, although I didn´t think so. At night I wanted to binge on something, I don´t know why, after midnight I told myself that it was sunday morning, and sunday would mean re-feeding..... but I could not find something to fulfill my needs. This morning, THE SCALE showed me the lowest number since I started to restrict again.
123,6.
But today it´s re-feeding-time, and when I asked my beloved BF to make breakfast he was surprised and happy. Pancakes...
Whatever...

Tonight there will be "real dinner", I don´t know what I will be, but I will enjoy it. Tomorrow THE SCALE will get up and I will care, but not today. I am wearing some gothic trousers today I bought a year ago during my first adult-restricting-period, and they are loose. There´s a noticeable space between my thighs, and my man put a hand on my neck to say goodbey while I was sitting on my desk learning for the upcoming exam, and I could feel him touch my spine.... Perfect....

Last night, I was thinking about emptiness. I wonder why I am striving for it. Why we all do. What´s the point?
In my case, I feel empty inside (emotionally) many times, and I hate it, it leaves me hollow and weak. Why do I want this physically? Why do I want this? Do I need to show my non-feelings to the world? Look at me, I am empty? I know that I want to have control, I want to control my hunger, my needs, my intake, my body, it gives me strenght and the feeling of superiority. I want to control the changes taking place inside me, and my weight is the only thing I can change (maybe that´s not true, but I feel this way). That´s all very clear to me. But the emptiness makes me wonder.
If I have a good day and go to bed hungry and empty I am in a state of bliss. But why? Every woman can understand that losing a size or two is perfect, a heavenly goal. But emptiness? What is it all about?
If we look deep inside our hearts and our souls, what is it that we want to show the world?
In the psychosomatic theory, a person who suffers from constipation has a problem with giving away things. He or she has the feeling that they already give away themselves and they want to keep things. What does it mean not to fill in anything at all? Maybe we don´t want contact with the outer world, we never let anything pass our borders. And emptiness means freedom, control, which would close the circle...

I don´t know, my thoughts are strange right now, but on the plus side, I am calm, and I don´t feel weak today at all. There´s some kind of peace, due to the fact that I have a plan and am confident to stick to it.
Sorry for this rambling, I just feel like it. I hope you all can have some peace today, too.