One day, eventually, you will lose.

I am not on a lucky streak right now.

Yesterday was awful. The whole day I was so hungry, like I would be this tiny and empty thin person, but still being ultra-fat. And I was so cold and shaky and still fat. And I did relatively good during the day at work, which was an extra hard day with lots of work and running and fighting and well, forget it.

When I came home, I was so tired and weak and sad, and it got worse. Hubby spent the whole day organizing stuff and taking the baby with him, dragging him through the world, and when I arrived, baby got really stressed and cried and needed some attention, and then hubby went away, thank you very much.

And he didn´t go grocery shopping, and since I had to take care of the crying baby and was ultra-tired, he said:
Well, if you do not get shopping, I will bring fast food.
The support I get right now is really overwhelming...

I took a handful of blocker tablets, but they did not work, and THE SCALE went up this morning.
135.4

Yeah, thank you.

And in the second I saw this number, it became clear to me:
The disorder is back.
I left the bathroom where my baby was on the floor, went into the bedroom, and I punched myself into my stomach and belly really hard.
Several times.
And I wished I could have cried, but I couldn´t.

Now, my belly still hurts, and it is getting red all over, hopefully not blue tomorrow, I all I can think of is: The pain will remind me not to eat, it is worse than hunger.

To pass the 134 will be like climbing the Mount Everest, I think. It will take me a long time and will return several times. How pathetic is this number, anyway???? This used to happen at 123!!!!

There is a kind of despondence inside me, a raging one, and I really have to remind myself that not everything in the world is bad, not to be harsh to my baby, which realizes that something is wrong and is crying and spitting all over me the whole morning.
My head is hurting, my belly is hurting, and my heart is crying, but I am not.
Hubby is gone, like all the time, but it would not help if he was here, he would give me a bad feeling anyway. Not good enought, not strong enought, not doing enough around the house, although I am the one working and he is the one staying at home with the baby.

A miunute ago, I started crying, hopefully it gets better now.