Separated

So I am back.

Yesterday I virtually "met" a person who really inspired me, triggered me, comforted me, and gave me the felling of not being alone in the world, even in a very special situation. Until that moment, I felt totally alone.

So this is why I am re-opening this blog, whatever this means.
I am re-opening the fight against all the fat clinging to my sides and hiding my true shape.
I am re-opening a secret world no one who knows me in real life will ever know, and no one will ever think of me to have...

I am a little bit sad that I need to come back here, and I am thrilled and excited the same time. I am happy, really happy.

To complete the gap:
I gave birth to the most beatiful, perfect, and beloved little boy in the world. He is my heart, my soul, my life, my destiny. I will never regret a single moment with him, I will never regret the pregnancy, and all the meals I had. I had a real life, I ate like a normal pregnant woman, I ate healthy and well the whole time. And this was the way I wanted it to be.
 But despite some things you may read in books and newspaper: Not every woman loses her weight by breastfeeding. I did not.
And now, after some time, the "old me" re-appears, and the old me is crying in pain.
A'nd this is why I am back.
I want to be myself again.
I want to look like I did before I got the perfect gift.
And I guess it is of highest importance for me to seperate my little boy from this world. He is too perfect so know about his mother not being like this at all.
So this is why I will not talk about him anymore. Not because I do not love him, but because I do.

This is my struggle, my dark side, my true self maybe.
I will be pretty again, fragile I hope, and strong.

Today I had too much red wine, to make me dare to write this, and too much little "tries" of the muffins I made for a friend of mine. This is why I had about 1000 cals. Way too much.

I will step on the SCALE anyway, and I will post. This morning, I was a 136.
Fat mama....