Tired

The last 24h shift was really, really loaded with work... bad...

And in the middle of the day, I lost it.
I am working on myself very hard, because if things get really tough, I am getting unfriendly, harsh, sometimes even rude. And in these situations, I cannot get a hold of myself, I cannot keep control.
I never wanted to be a rude person.
I always wanted other persons to regard me as friendly, as nice, as empathic...but I am not, I am a bitch if getting stressed out.

Someone called me a "tough cookie" yesterday...

This really makes me sad. It makes me hate myself even more. I have to work on that. I want to be a different person, but you cannot make other people think that you are nice if you simply are not nice. They do not miss you if you yell and swear and close your heart to the outside world just to prevent yourself from getting hurt. and in the end, it hurts even more.

Food wise, I did OK. Some fruit, a piece of bread in the morning, and soup. 820 cals during the day, with working continuous under pressure. I guess this is really good, I did not give in.
In the evening, there was this voice inside me, telling me:
You are stressed out, get pizza, do somethig for yourself, for your soul..
I did not give in.
Tomorrow, THE SCALE will tell me.

And tomorrow, I will try to find a way to meditate my way out of being stressed and getting indignant.
I will.
This is not supposed to be me.

I am so tired today that I could fall asleep typing right now.