No way out

Well, I just finished my 24 h shift, and now I will have to go back to work on Sunday, meaning I will have 4 days off and no possibility to escape x-mas.

Let the gluttony begin.

Right now I feel totally trapped. The pain in my body slowly goes away, there is little of it left, but I am gaining weight by the hour, I can feel my stomach expanding and my tissue getting full of fluid, I don´t know why. I did good last day, minimum stuff at the department breakfast, and minimum food during the rest of the night, but my body is angry.

Today will be the last day of restricition, and I will not fail. Here´s the plan:
No breakfast
Little coffee (got an invitation later, I guess it´s just an excuse to exchange x-mas presents, at least I got some)
Going to the gym (maybe I will just do some cardio and fat burning stuff, I don´t feel like going to the machines and pump the muscles up, I am already feeling bloated)
Very light dinner (vegetables, I will buy them myself if necessary, no sauce, maybe some fish, but I would prefer a vegetable mix)
When I came home and looked around at the house I decided it´s time to clean up the place, it´s horrible, all the stuff is lying around, you cannot find a decent place to eat dinner (which could be good, actually) and you have to search for everything. This will burn some extra cals.

Anyway, I still have not decided how to handle x-mas this year.
I guess the grown-up thing would be to sit down with the family, be nice and friendy, and to join them for dinner and all the following meals. I could try to drink lots of water and eat slowly to give my body the chance to realize when it´s full. This would make it a rather normal time with no hard feelings and sleepless hours.
But I think I can´t.
Right now I am so desperate to get to the 121 again, I want to see a change in the right direction so much. I want to see a 11X.X. I want to change. I want to...... I don´t know, I simply don´t want to celebrate x-mas. And despite of calming down and trying to adapt and survive, I am panicing and trying to escape. I wish I could be on my own, I could just relax, sit down with some wine or tea, no food, read a good bock, make plans for the opcoming year, think about myself and my life.
But I am not. I am going to get married next year, and I will have a new family, and they like me and want to spend time with me, they want to feed me, because in their life, food means love. Food means being together. Food means taking care.

Having written this, thinking about it, I made some resolutions:
- I will fight today, at the gym, as hard as i can.
- I will weigh myself tomorrow morning
- I will go to the family dinner tomorrow night and get some booze, much booze, and will eat and try to eat slowly and drink lots of water and run around taking care of everybody, you know, filling up the dishes and the glasses and stuff like this, burns up cals and lowers actual eating time
- There will be no food during the day
- There will be no cookies and cakes
- There will be no desert
- I will not fight them, they only try to love me in their own special way
- I will not fight my BF, he will be super happy because of x-mas and the whole family being together
- I will not say anything nasty if they start singing and playing the guitar and reading x-mas-stories (common, I am the most sarcastic person in the world, how can I not say anything? They have to be kiddin, playing the guitar..... no, baby, shut your trap...)

The worst thing: In the family of my BF, there will be three days of dinners, cakes, brunches, lunches, meetings, booze, singing, playing the GD-guitar...
THREE DAYS!!!!!

I am panicing again....
No, baby, stay calm, you can survive this.

Just this second, I am remembering: I got a treadmill!!!!!!! I don´t have to wait for the gym to open!!!!!! I will start my sports program right during x-mas. Today, tomorrow in the morning, friday night and saturday night. sunday: another 24 h shift... No sports.... Ordered food maybe..... they already planned for that....

Feaking x-mas....

It´s four days, actually.....

Tomorrow will be one out of four, I will survive this manic happiness with glitter surroundig it. How much weight can you gain in four days actually?
I will make it.

And I will tell you everything....