Not

Not doing good right now.
I think reaching 122 without severe restriction made me light-headed. I did good today until I got some hot chocolate (they had white hot chocolate at that place, I just had to try it, because I adore white chocolate, knowing it´s even worse than normal dark chocolate...), and all the sugar in it made me high. Afterwards, I got a x-mas-present for my mom, that´s always so hard, which made me feel even higher, and I had mexican dinner with the BF. I estimate 600 cals for dinner, together with the chocolate and the morning latte....
I don´t want to calculate.

I am a slob.
I am not worth it.
My parents will not notice that I am way lighter than the last time we met. They will tell me again: Your BF looks so much thinner, you have to take care of him, you have to cook for him and get him some food, you have to prevent him from loosing weight. He looks sick!
Yeah, thank you, mom.
Damn it, I am working so hard each day, why do I not cherish myself by making myself pretty? Why do I have to feel so old and mean and worthless and uncapable?

I just realize how much I am "swinging" right now. In the morning, after hopping on THE SCALE, I am deeply depressed, I even cannot say good morning reaching work. At around 10 am, I get better, at noon I am high and greeting everyone, talking to everyone, laughing, making jokes, telling stories. When I come home from work, I am kinda normal, later on I get high on working again, writing, reading, making pictures. Suddenly I break down and want to cry all night long. Like right now.

I feel so pathetic. Remember, last week I passed my exam? I thought I had reached a major goal, I would get better, but it was just an illusion. Maybe I will never get better. I understand why my BF says sometimes that it is very frustrating to live with a person like me, because I never get better.

This morning, THE SCALE said 122,6, and tomorrow it will be much more.
Next week there will be x-mas, eating-central, binge-party, family-terror, and I will relax on january first, new year, new try.
I thought this would all go away when I grow up.
Maybe I never did.