OMG

I did it!
I passed.
I reached what I was working for for 6 years, I did not sabotage myself.

I was sitting there, cute make-up, nice hairdo, dark clothes, formal, with a bright orange blouse (I wondered the whole morning if I could dare to wear this bright color, but I decided that I was not attending a funeral), and my formal trousers I really like were way too big. I was so nervous I actually could feel a slight pain in my chest, maybe I will get a heart attack soon, but who cares? There were 3 guys, 2 asking questions, one making notes. They tried to calm me down, but the bad feeling in my chest disappeared after 2/3 of the time, no minute earlier.
Afterwards, I had to leave the room, they were talking about me, decided....
I waited....
I felt out of my body, numb, dead, watching the world from high above me...could it be?
They called me back in.
They congratulated me on a very good job.
I smiled, said thank you.
Yes, I will have a party.
Yes, iIwill carry on working on my career.
I left the room.
I went to the elevater.
When the door closed, I started to cry, but it was the good kind of tears.

I hugged my BF forever (he drove me there, he waited in the car, he ordered breakfast for me to bring to work because I forgot about it, I love him so much). I changed my clothes in the car, and I changed the cute make-up to a dark one, like I am wearing it when I am not at work.
And we went to a place a friend of mine choose for this occasion (she also took this exam today and also passed it). And I ate. OMG, did I eat:
French Fries
Mozarella Sticks
Onion Rings
Two beers.
Lots of champaigne.
Now my belly really hurts, and I keep thinking: It´s good that I am feeling so much pain today, this means I can avoid eating so much again. I will go back to restriction tomorrow ( we ordered not enough breakfast, meaning I cannot have any of it because of the fear it will not be enough for everybody...).
Tomorrow I will play the silly computer game all night long....

Suddenly the world looks different. I don´t feel like a failure right now. I know, this feeling will come back to me, I will be miserable one day again, but not today, not tonight. Right now, I am just right the way I am, the way I tried to reach something that is lying in my hands right now.

I realized how important this whole career thing was to me a few days ago, when I imagined the exam and me sitting in it.

Thank you all so much, girls out there, for your kind and reassuring comments, for your thoughts about my exam and my health when I was sick. Thank you for being there, I wish I could invite you to the breakfast thing tomorrow, and I wish we would sit in a corner, drinking coffee and water and tea, not eating a bit, and smiling to each other. I will pretend you will all be there, I will pretend we will not eat together.

Thank you so much.