Desperation...

... can be described like this:
- super-stressed-out work weekend, too much food, too little time to sleep, no time to learn at all
- gained weight
- invitation to in-law-birthday (meaning no time to learn and fatty food)
- having to work again
- having to be friendly
- having to function

Yap, my day sucks already. This morning I was so aggressive underneath my friendly face I suddenly lost it and yelled at all the other drivers in the traffic jam on my way to work. I hate you all! Go away! I am in a hurry! Leave me alone! You stupid *****!

Well, that´s me today.
THE SCALE went up 2 pounds, can you believe that? And I actually thought I could reach my first goal weight prior to the exam. That would have been so nice...
I cannot remember eating much, though. The 24 h shift turned out to be like hell, there was no time even to sit down, but I stuffed my face walking on, I guess, and in the middle of the night, still no possibility to rest, I got so depressed that I even had a chocolate bar. I deserve no better. This nice plan I had including getting some rest and finding a nice and quiet place to sink in my books....well.....no can do.
Yesterday my body was so swollen and I was so tired, I didn´t even find the strenght in me to deny food from my BF. After 2 hours of sleep I went back to the books.

Right now, I could punch everything and everybody crossing my path. I loath myself so much for this weekend of weakness. I was weak in every part of my life. How is it possible for strength to change on a daily basis in one person?

I always try to look forward, not back.
I always get up the next day and start anew.
Well, so much for today:
No food during work.
Just vegetables tonight ( I will not go to the birthday thing, I have to learn, very good excuse)
Home as early as possible to learn.
Make my BF doing the grocery shopping for me
If I did good some wine at night to calm me down ( there is half a glass left of it, perfect)
I want to stay below 500 today.

And I want to have a life again. There has to be something between not eating and learning. There has to be some fun around somewhere. When the exam is done I will start a new computer game (I love them, I have to admit it, it´s the best time waster ever invented...). And I will go to the freakin´gym again, I don´t even know where my iPod is anymore.