Return from the world of the normal people

The last 2 weeks have been a wild ride of food, family funtions, finances and fooling myself. I think I tried to be normal again, to eat like a normal person, not to fight with myself about every single carb crossing my lips, not to lay awake at night, trying to figure out a plan to avoid family and friends just because of a dinner.

In a way, I was normal. No worries, no tears, no fear.
But in a way, I was not.
I am sure no normal person eats and eats and eats until the whole body is in shock, until pain is flowing over it in slow but steady waves, until it is impossible to move, until it seems impossible to take a deep breath. And no normal person would lie there, in pain and nausea, and think about the next food to stuff the face with, because on that day, it is allowed...
I don´t think that this is normal.

Anyway, the surprising thing to me: My weight stayed the same.
I have no explanation for this, no mental, physical, scientific explanation, I just saw it this morning on THE SCALE.
And now, I have to admit it, I have no idea what to do.
If there was a huge weight gain, I could at least hate myself and force myself to suffer. I could force myself to feel pain and hunger to the extreme. But if there´s is no change at all, I feel like I am getting away with it. A part of me knows, that it will not stay like this forever. If I carry on like this, I will either gain lots of weight or die of medical complications like an intestinal perforation. And both things are not really an option...

So, I decided for this:
Tomorrow, at the 11-01-2010, which is a very beautiful date and easy to write and nice to look at, I will go back to restricting again.
Period.
There will be no ABC, I just cannot manage that next to all my other commitments, but I will restict again.
The daily goal of cals will be below 600 (my magical number...)
I will at least move a little bit every day. (the Wii Fit thing at least...)
I will return to the gym with the bf
Once a week there will be the special day for the BF, at which he will be allowed to cook whatever he likes and I will eat it.
I will try to find a way to manage the art of moderation.
I will never return to that place where I lie in bed at night, my body is in pain due to over-eating, I feel like throwing up but can´t, I can´t breath properly, I can´t move, and shivers are flowing over my body. I will not return to this place.
Period.

11-01-2010.
Beautiful.
Pure.
Perfect.

I bought lots of new stuff during the last 2 weeks. Fake fur coat, leggings, crazy sweaters and the best boots of them all, a new watch, some jewelry (not the expensive ones), and lots of make up. I decided to plan my outfit for the day to come in the evenings, otherwise I am always dressing with the things I find laying around in the morning, resulting in me looking like shit every day. this as also not an option anymore. In my opinion, you can be very skinny (which I am not), but you still look like shit if you don´t consider the proper make up and clothes, a nice hairdo and accurate nails.

I am realising that I am in this new-year-mood, in which I try to make everything perfect in my life: My appartment, my body, my clothing, my appearance, my mood, my attitudes. Of course, this never works. But if feels good, if feels like opening a new book, beginning a new chapter. It feels like everything could be possible.
Maybe there are some things possible for me....

11-01-2010
Stay strong, Medica, and don´t pitty yourself, you are too old for that.