What exactly is moderation?
I kinda felt moderate because after dinner I did not have this immense pain in my stomach, I did not feel like exploding, and I had no troubles breathing. Sad as it is, I felt a little bit proud of myself. And suddenly this wife of a collegue of mine, who is really skinny and has these small, thin, beautiful hands and those big eyes and shiny hair, askes me:
How could you eat this much food? Aren´t you sick?
Yup, thank you.
No, baby, I don´t feel sick, I can show you how I make myself feel sick, just gimme four more plates of the main course and some desert and I will show you.
Yeah, I know, every goal set in your life is a goal according to your startin point, but this is just brutal. I felt like shit. And all I could do was smile and say something stupid like: Well, no, I was just very hungry, the food is soooo great.
I didn´t even realize that everyone on the table was eating less and no one had as much wine as I had and no one felt dead inside as I did. And there I was, two days ago, in the middle of the night, wondering why there is no joy on my life. Yes, I am sick, either I am sick because I ate like a group of nearly famished construction workers or I am just sick inside because I cannot find some normal patterns of behaviour. And all the time I am still wondering why. And the BF tells me I am always feeling like a victim and making every body else feel bad additionally.
And you know what?
I am sick of being sick.
Emotionally and physically.
I will dis-order the disorder.
A very good friend of mine told me a few days ago (about something completely different):
If you really want to reach this you absolutely can. Most people couldn´t, but you can.
And that´s the point. The days of hanging around and wondering why are over.
I want to get up, I want to start walking down the road instead of being pushed to a point I never wanted to reach in the first place.
I want to find the same strength and coherence I find in work every day for the last 6 years. I mean, I am the same person, at work and at home, why do I act completely different?
This has to stop here
.OK, life, look me in the eye and tell me you can´t make me happy.
And I will force you to do.
WOW, I can not believe she said that to you. I don't know what I would have done, especially after the emotional drain eating takes on when out with people (in general) and the thoughts you had of thinking you were well within moderation...
AntwortenLöschenI always feel like skinny lovely people are just waiting and watching for someone to watch them eat, and enjoy rubbing their control in my face. but then again.. I have this disorder...
But really, I complete feel the annoyance of wanting to be done with feeling this way, over and over... I hope life CAN and WILL be happy for you!
I agree - that was so mean of her to say that! I wonder if she knew it would affect you that way, or not.. but how could she not? Don't we, as women, kind of live by some unspoken rule about not making comments concerning food intake and stuff like that? Maybe that's just wishful thinking. Gah, that makes me upset for you. Sorry! I bet she thinks that you are just perfectly skinny and is jealous or something. We are the same height and I am a whale compared to you. I know it's what I would be thinking.. or I'd probably want to secretly take your picture and use it for thinspiration.. heh heh..
AntwortenLöschenYou can do this!
Choose happiness. Whatever makes you happy. Problem is we can't always figure that out. Well, you can look online and find out what portion sizes we should be eating. Going a little above is probably not too bad. That's moderation. Now doing it is often a whole other story. That woman should NOT have commented on how much you ate. That was rude.
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