Nothing

Because of the breakfast with eggs I had no other food during the day yesterday. In the evning, I had some red pepper, kohlrabi and soy thingies as planned, leaving me with 610 cals for the whole day.

I have to admit, it was hard. Usually, there is broth and lots of coffee with some milk and chewing gum and tea and lots of things keeping my mouth busy. And usually I am at work having no time to go to the fridge or another bad place. Yesterday, I was at home, there is a whole cupboard full of treats my BF buys all of the time. Lots of chocolate... but I did it! Yes, I am kinda proud of myself. Right now, I so badly want to lose weight that I would do nearly everything. In fact, it´s more like doing nothing.... No treats, no cooking, no grocery shopping.... Living my life is more like doing nothing than doing something... And that´s the whole ED thing: Evolving around nothing. And that´s what we want to be...

There are strict plans for today, too. No food during the day, no treats, low cal dinner, bla bla bla. This is boring, I guess. I wish I would not be so tired all of the time, I could go to the gym and maybe get something extra worth the cals I am burning.

I don´t get it: I am so proud of myself if I keep to my cal limit, and it makes me feel very good and confident. Why do I think about food all the time, about all the things I am not allowed to have? I am not dying, I am not really starving, why does my body try to trick me into thinking I am?