Ruined it

Today I ruined it.
I don´t know what got into me, but I had breakfast and lunch....

Maybe it was the fact that I was looking forward to a horrible 24h shift, which started badly and seemed to decline every minute. Maybe it was the fact that I did so good the last few days and THe SCALE did not show the slightest change. Maybe it was that I worked out so much and restricted and it had no use. Maybe it just resulted from the knowledge that I could not do any sports today due to the full day of working.
So today was a day of "normal eating", and I feel like shit.

Maybe I just realized that I will never get lower than I am right now, I never did and I never will, Maybe it´s just not possible for my body to give up the remaining resources, even if I think they would be enough for two women...
Maybe I am just weak.
Maybe the will to get fed every day on a regular basis is stronger than my discipline.
Or maybe it´s just my desire to live a normal life, with some meals every day, some snacks, some steps on THE SCALE now and then and no self hatred for a piece of chocolate.

Oh, by the way, I had chocolate today, too, the whole package, and it made me sick.

I am tired of myself right now. My thoughts evolve around the same things every day. I have this pattern here, being good for a few days and ruining it by just thinking I could be normal again. The next day I try to be extra good, I form new rules and new goals, just to ruin them a few days later.

I think I have to make a decision. I have to decide once and for all what I want to achive in my life related to food and looks and everything connected with this.
There are two possible ways, I guess:
- Giving it all up, accepting that I will never like myself, accepting that I will never regard myself as thin enough or pretty enough, and just live with it. No perfection, no role model, no thinspiration.
- Deciding once and for all to stick to it, making restriction a part of my life again, as my mantra once said. Saying no to chocolate, alcohol and cheese binges. Planning some chocolate or cheese into my day and running it off on the treadmill or in the woods.

The way I am doing this right now is hurting me deep inside, it makes me even more unhappy than I already am. I lose it, the touch with life, the touch with fun, the touch with normality, whatever this may be.

I was watching people today, normal girls getting breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same day, eating like it was the most ordinary thing on earth, which it actually may be. They were not thin, they were not pretty, but they did not even need to decide whether to eat or not. They did not stand in front of a vending machine in the middle of the night, fighting against the chocolate staring back at them. They did not hate themselves for having two regular meals in one day.

Why do I have to be different?
Why can´t I love myself?
Where did I lose this? Do little children love themselves?
One day I will find out.

OMG, I had pasta today.
Why did I do this?
What did I do to deserve this?

And I am really hating myself right now for writing this, for crying like a baby because someone gave me something to eat. I hate myself for being weak. I am not even worth having this blog.

I am sorry.