News from a bad place

To be honest, I am in a really bad place right now. And I even don´t know why.

Food-wise, I am doing OK, I guess. THE SCALE is fluctuating on a daily basis, I cannot find a pattern, but after making me freak out every morning right now it is making me calm. Weighing yourself but not knowing how you are doing because the results are crap creates a strange feeling of acceptance and looking forward to the next day.

Sports-wise, I am the queen of first-time-in-life training. I am sticking to my workout plan, running three times a week, doing yoga almost every day (not at work, but I am planning on this, too) and on wednesday, I did something amazing:
I actually went out on the streets and in the woods for a run!

I think I have to explain this:
There are a few reasons why I never leave the house and cling to my treadmill like a maniac:
1. I am looking fat in the workout clothes. Come on, who on earth can look great in these tight trousers? You can see every tiny mollecule of fat jumping up and down, the sweat gets cought between the fatty layers, and the shirts are too small to cover your butt.
2. I am so bad at running, a grandmother walking her dog can easily pass me. How emberassing is that???
3. I don´t have a dog right now, meaning I got no protection.
4. I am never sure if I find my way home in the woods, I moved here 2 years ago, but due to working like a machine and just coming home to sleep I have no clue where the little paths go...

But I did it anyway!
I am kinda proud of myself, but I have to admit:
It was hell!!!!

Running on the treadmill is so much easier, maybe because you are not moving forward, I don´t know. My legs were burning, I got no air, and after a few minutes my face was as red as a tomatoe.... There were women walking their dogs everywhere, they were talking, smoking, and I was dying....

How frustrating is that?
I am working out for three weeks now, and this run was like the first in my whole life.
Anyway, after finishing this post, I will do it again. Burn cals. Look like shit.

Mentally, my life really sucks.
On my birthday, I decided:
I have been angry and sad so many times in my life, I will try not to do this as often as I already did it.
Partially, it works. I am not mad anymore, I do not yell during my 24h shifts, but deep down inside, I am so depressed right now. Had a hair appointment this morning, nearly cried in the chair looking at myself. I do not like myself right now, I am a moody bitch, making the BF sad and lonely and disappointed from life, getting distant from my parents, not having many friends left. In former times, I knew that I was not normal, not easy to be with, but deep down I thought that I am kinda OK, kinda right. Now I know that I am not OK, not right.
And I am scared.
What will be next?
Do I have to reinvent myself? How do I do this?

Will there be a person who can actually love me?

Sorry, forget about this, I will go outside and expose my fat butt to my neighbourhood.