Mixture

My life is rather strange right now.

I managed to develop a workout routine, I am running now every other day, and despite the fact that I am really bad at running I stick to it and am waiting to see some progress.
After the running, I am doing some mild exercises and some yoga to get lean and flexible, I am not sure if this is working, but at least I am trying.

In the food area, I am doing very bad.
Every day, I am not eating all day long to get a low cal dinner with the BF, and around 10 pm there is something changing in my head and I am eating crap (chocolate, potatoe crisps, champaign, cheese, more chocolate...), and I cannot stop myself.

The combination of sports, low cal dinners and junk keep me at a stable weight, that´s not a big deal right now, but I am unhappy all the time.
I am unhappy while I am hungry and thinking about the things I cannot eat and are lying in front of me during work.
I am unhappy while eating the low cal dinner, to be honest: Who on earth wants to have red pepper and kohlrabi every single night?
I am unhappy while doing sports, because I am so tired and sore and I don´t see any progress and I am thinking: No one moving a fat butt around can run with no effort.
I am unhappy while eating all the crap, because it just fills me up physically, not emotionally, and although I am having what I was thinking about all day long I still don´t fee relieved.
And I am unhappy reading the numbers on THE SCALE because I was so hungry all day long and it did not lead to anything.

Wow.
I am really unhappy.

Here´s what I am wishing for:
I want to have a normal life. I want to meet with friends for dinner and a movie.
I want to see a new bar or restaurant and just go there, check out the menue, order something and just eat it.
I want to realize that I gained a little and just smile and say: Well, too much good food the last few weeks, I should watch this.... and carry on with a normal life, not cry in my car on the way to work.
I want to be a normal woman.
I was like this once, some magic years, until I realized that I gained weight....
I had a few normal years...

But I am not normal. There is a flaw in my character, a thing making me move, making me think, making me decide.
Maybe I can never be normal again, maybe I was just pretending to be normal. Maybe I am screwed, like the BF sometimes said.

I just miss it.
I miss to be carefree.

Today is a 24 hour shift.
I had some vegetable soup, a piece of bread, two apples and lots of coffee.
Something magic happened to me a few minutes ago:
I was thinking about chocolate all of the time.
So I went down to the vending machine, I got some change, I stood there, staring at it. My most favourite chocolate was there, staring back at me. It´s a limited edition, it will disappear in summer, maybe forever.
I had the money in my hand...
I had the right change just to get it.
I stared at it.

I went away.
Got myself some cappucino (50 cals, not 350 like the chocolate).
And I smiled.

No, I am not normal, but right now, I am happy.