As deserved

I am suffering today.
My belly is bloated, and I am heavy again. THE SCALE said so. I am totally stressed out, and tomorrow will be another 24h shift.

I try to make the decision not to eat tomorrow, to stay to soup and coffee, but there is some depression hiding behind my consciousness, I can barely feel it, but I somehow knot that it will be there. And depression makes me eat. I am always thinking:
If you are already miserable and have to work until tomorrow, you don´t have to be hungry on top of that. And usually I just eat, everything I can find at work, and ordering food late at night. And I feel sick afterwards, and slow, two things I cannot be at work.

What´s the magic spell pizza has???
I am eating it around 10pm usually, the guy from the delivery service is always late, and the pizza is always lukewarm. When you open the box, you can see fatty marks on the cover, and the smell is faint because of the temperature. The cheese is hardening again, and the mushrooms seem to be dying. And I love it despite of all these things. I eat it, the whole thing, in one go, and since I am at work there is not much time, meaning I am eating it in ten minutes. No time for my stomach to tell me when it´s full.
Afterwards, like 10 to 15 minutes later, the sickness starts. If there should be the opportunity to take a nap, I cannot sleep because of the full and sick stomach. My heart rate is higher than usual and if I fall asleep some time later, I got weird dreams.

Have you ever slept in an office?
The air smells funny, because the computers were running all day long. The bed is always made, because the night before someone else was sleeping in it. The fabric feels hard, and it also smells funny, there is no fabric softener in company laundry... When you awake, you don´t know where you are, and if you look around, there is nothing personal. It seems as if you are not a person anymore, just someone sleeping in the bed the facility manager has to make a few hours later. Your clothes are hanging over the office chair, and there is no mirror, meaning you either have to try to do your hair without one or you sneak to the nearest bathroom hoping no one will see you. The only thing near you is the telephone, in case someone wants to talk to you, and the alarm clock. There are no living things, and sometimes I do not feel alive too.

I am thinking about taking some vegetables to work, at least I would eat something healthy and low cal, but my experience tells me that usually this makes me eat even more, because I already decided to eat, what the hell, eat everything, and at the end of the day, I eat the vegetables, because I brought them.

In the end, it would be best not to eat solid food:
I could sleep easily
I could fall asleep easily
I could maybe get rid of some weight
I could be depressed without food, because it makes it worse, not better

But right now, I am in no condition to make a decision.
I can decide to make the decision on the way to work, in my car, after this night which already scares me. There is something going on, and I don´t want it, but it is, again, out of control.