Lost and back again

Everything has changed and nothing has changed.

I had the perfect wedding, I had the most wonderful honeymoon, I was so happy and so relieved, I did not care about food, I had breakfast and dinner and snacks with the brand-new hubby, I saw a new country, met new people, started a new life.

But it´s like they say: Where ever you go, you will always take yourself with you.

There I am, in my honeymoon, lying on the far away beach in the sun, watching strange creatures running around in the sand, listening to soft music, and suddenly it comes to me:

You should not lie ON the beach towel, you should lie UNDER it. You are a fat pig and everyone on this beautiful beach will notice it.

The next moment, the thoughts are gone, but they were there....

I am really a disordered person.

Now I am back and I nearly sticked to my plan:
No stepping on THE SCALE during the first week after honeymoon.
Starting to restrict the first week back.
But I did not go to the gym yet, I am just too tired, and I am so fat, so horribly fat again, it makes me sick.

Yes, I am going to post it:
Today, I am 122.

And I know, there is something wrong, when I started this blog, I had a few more pounds, but I felt exactly the same.

And the hubby, he went down the isle and said yes and now he is angry again and told me that I take away his quality of life from him.... This also has not changed.

Yesterday, I went back to "bloggerland" for the first time after the wedding. I felt so alone. Some people I liked to read from every day simply diappeared, maybe like I did. There are new names appearing now and then, and some people are in a really bad shape and I am watching from far away and I am not part of this anymore. And some people came really closer to their goals and seem to be happy and I did not share it.

I have to admit it: This is my first real low ever since I got married. And I am already sick of it.

Here we go:
I will lose the freaking fat again (there is a picture the hubby took from me during the honeymoon, and I actually like it, I look skinny on it, it was right at the beginning, I will get back there)
I will not take the quality of life of anybody. I will make my own bigger and stronger.
I will work out again.
I will count the cals again.
And I will try to make new friends again and be credible, in the real world and here, in Bloggerland, I want to feel at home here again, like I used to do.

Watch me! I know I can do it.